Of course we here at the FCU are big fans of
the movies that The Asylum puts out. Maybe not fans in
the sense that we like their movies, but fans in the sense
that we are glad that their movies exist. It makes us
happy. But we do have a tiny request. After
watching this particular movie, '100 Degrees Below Zero', this
being one of the many bad weather movies from the studio we've
seen, including, but not limited to '500 MPH
Storm', '2012:
Ice Age' and '40
Days and Nights', maybe it's time to stop making bad
weather movies. Just throwing that out there. And
Found Footage movies. And mockbusters. And Teen
sex comedies. Some form of shark attack works
though. Unless it's like 'Shark Week'. But the
Sharknado's and the Mega Sharks? Keep those
a-coming.
A volcano has erupted somewhere around Europe creating an
atmosphere coating ash cloud. Super Concerned scientist
Dr. Goldschein (Ivan Kamaras) knows this is bad, and he looks
really concerned. He would like to tell us how bad its
gonna be but he has to redraw the model. I don't know if
he ever got around to doing this.
Meanwhile Taryn (Sara Malakul Lane) and her brother Ryan (Marc
McKevitt Ewins) are strolling through Paris interacting with
each other in an annoying sibling type way. They are
footing it to Charles De Gaulle Airport, I guess, to meet
their dad Steve (Jeff Fahey) and his new young wife Lacey
(Judit Fekete). There are all kinds of problems right
about as the temperature of Paris has suddenly started to drop
and poor Ryan and Taryn don't have any winter wear. Not
that we're saying anything about anything, but we hope Taryn
never finds any winter wear. Just saying is all.
Then an earthquake hits out of nowhere, causing Ryan to fall
down. Might want to get used to watching both Ryan and
Taryn fall down as they do that an awful lot in this
movie. And I never did quite understand how a volcano
erupting thousands of miles away caused tectonic plate shifts
in Paris and other odd natural phenomena.
Back to the business at hand, their Dad, a
hot shot pilot, has been forced to land in England due to the
ash cloud, but he really doesn't want to check on his
kids. He tells his wife they can take of
themselves. He obviously hates his kids. His new
wife forces him to call them, and the kids tell dad they
completely can't take care of themselves and they are going to
die. Now at least mildly concerned, Dad rents a car and
tells the kids to meet him at the Eiffel Tower where he should
be able to rescue their lousy asses.
But alas, the weather situation in Europe is getting
worse. Colonel Dillard (John Rhys-Davies), who I think
is some kind of weather soldier or something, has advised his
old colleague Steve that he better hurry and get those kids
because Europe is fooked. In fact every single person in
Europe is being evacuated to Australia in operation 'Down
Under'. I think that's what they called it, and if Steve
and the kids can make it to the airfield in time, he'll save a
seat for him. Why is Colonel Dillard risking it all for
Steve? I don't want to get too much into it, but it's
one of those war stories, and it's told in a majestic way that
can only be delivered by John Rhys-Davies, so it sounded good.
Back to the adult kids, after more falling down, Taryn has
finally found a fur coat. NOOOOO!!!! Fortunately
for us, some Parisian thugs reliever her of her coat.
Thank God. Regardless, the situation is a dire
one. Dad and the new wife will have to drive though
floods, hike through snow, and pilot through tornadoes to save
his children. The adult kids, for their part, just have
to avoid dying. And while I do believe they will survive
this movie, they will have to learn to live with massive third
grade concussions.
A more accurate title for this movie would probably be '28
Degrees Fahrenheit' since that's about as cold as I think it
got. Especially considering I doubt the average human
could survive for hours exposed to temps of 100 degrees below
zero. Even if they did have a fur coat they refused to
button up. This does lead us to this movies
greatest draw, just like the previous Asylum movie we saw her
in, that being '12-12-12',
and this is the existence of Sara Malakul Lane. Now the
young lady wasn't nearly as exposed in this movie as she was
in that one, and we're still not completely sold on her as an
actress, but watching Ms. Lane and her amazing skill set run
and fall and run and fall never really got old.
Unfortunately, that more or less exhausts the good things that
were in this movie, which I will say wasn't one I found
unwatchable, but just one I found somewhat bland and just
mediocerely bad as opposed to outright gawdawful like those
other weather phenomena movies I mentioned earlier. The
acting was a plus, with Jeff Fahey and Mr. Davies on board,
with both of the actors, no matter how mundane the role,
usually giving it all they have. And there is no
shortage of action, it's just that the action wasn't all that
good. Most of it was funny, like the tumbling brother
and sister team. Obviously it takes some training to
pretend there's an earthquake going on around you and falling
down properly. The dude that brought it with the icicle
to the chest was pretty funny too.
Mediocrely awful, which is what this is, is actually worse
that awfully awful because it tends to be less fun to sit
through. Which is a round-a-bout of saying that '100
Degrees Below Zero' needed be worse to be better'.
Crazy, but that's a fact. Look it up.
