Allrighty then… Simon (Michael Beach) is at
the some facility about to fire up some super awesome
technology. I see the assistants, in this relatively
awful Asylum joint '500 MPH Storm', looking at their computer
monitors with the entire Earth on it, so I know this can't be
a good thing. Apparently this tech is going to provide
the entire planet with super clean, super plentiful cold fused
energy. Awesome. What would help the launch of
this super awesome tech would be if the guy who actually
designed it, one Dr. Nathan Sims (Casper Van Dien), was there
to supervise the launch of this super awesome tech that's
going to have ramifications across the entire planet. Oh
but no, this clown has chosen this day to fly hot air balloons
with his family, hot air balloons they don't seem all that
interested in flying with his stupid ass. So Simon
launches the Mega Beam, it pierces the ozone or something, all
hell breaks loose as we prepare for the HYPERCANE!!!
That's right, not a hurricane, but a hypercane.
Dr. Sims recognizes immediately that something is wrong.
Because the wind is blowing real hard, and he and the family
get in their Chevy Equinox and drive. Chevy Equinox…
most awesome care ever. Get used to watching the Sims
family running from stuff. Seriously.
Back at base, Simon is trying to fix
his screw up while his boss is whining about his idea of
shutting down the Mega Beam. Apparently there's monetary
implications in this earth destroying beam, with bossman
failing to see the bigger picture in that a planet full dead
people won't be paying their energy bills. The Sims
family, which also includes Nathan's wife Mona (Sara Lieving)
and his bratty adult son pretending to be a teenager Johnny
(Bryan Head), are running from a killer wave. I
think. They run from so much stuff so often in
this movie that what they are running from at
any given time kind of runs together. I do remember that
this does lead to arguably this movies finest moment, a
majestic shot of Caspar Van Dien, chin and all, looking
heroically to the sky as a killer twister comes his way.
That cat can majestically look to the sky about as well as
anybody. Basically what this leads to is the Sims family
loading up the Equinox again and running from another CGI
weather phenomena.
Back to the lab, Simon is running around mashing buttons and
pulling levers to no avail. He now realizes, in
hindsight, that adjusting Nathan's differential sequential
time sequencing bilateral uniform equation might not have been
the best idea. Of course, if Nathan had been there
instead flying balloons, this wouldn't have happened, so can
we really blame Simon for this? But what are the
Sims doing right now? I'm not exactly sure, but even
money is that they are running from something.
What we need is for the guy that designed this fancy tech to
fix this fancy tech. This means that he has to leave his
family for a minute to make it back to the lab. This
means, for us, that we will be watching a fractured family run
from weather phenomena. That's not good for us.
Fortunately they will unite, to run from stuff together again,
and maybe fix Simon's screw up, caused by Nathan's
absence. Action will ensue.
I have learned a few things by watching '500 MPH Storm'.
First, that a Hypercane is a real thing that actually could
happen. Probably not due to a rogue mega particle beam,
but it could happen. I've also learned that the Chevy
Equinox can fly. I've also learned that a lot of action
in a movie is nice, but a lot of action mated to a little
exposition is better. Or maybe I should say better
action mated to better exposition would be better.
Now don't get me wrong because I did appreciate the
effort. Who can't appreciate a movie with car chases and
helicopter chases and being chased by fire, tornadoes, waves,
hail, and any other natural occurring weather phenomena you
could think of? The thing is it all got a little
repetitive after a while. Like after the first twenty
minutes. And the movie doesn't take a lot of time to
develop much of anything beyond the action as it pretty much
throws the audience into the fray from go. Futile lab
attempts, the Sims running from stuff, futile lab attempts,
the Sims running from stuff. Repeat. And it's not
like anybody in this movie was all that fun to hang out with,
so if that rogue wave had washed the Sims away, particularly
the bratty adult son playing a teenager, we probably wouldn't
have missed them all that much. Except maybe Sara
Lieving who is probably a little too young to be the mother of
an adult child playing a teenager. And while I do enjoy
my low budget and Asylum movies, I've only seen Ms. Lieving in
low budget and Asylum monster and horror movies, and as such
Sara might want to think about getting a new agent. Just
saying.
So what we have with '500 MPH Storm' is basically a series of
loosely connected chase sequences, strung together by sketchy
science and dodgy CGI. Sometimes, on a good day, that
combination can work. This wasn't one of those days.
