Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Allrighty then… Simon (Michael Beach) is at the some facility about to fire up some super awesome technology.  I see the assistants, in this relatively awful Asylum joint '500 MPH Storm', looking at their computer monitors with the entire Earth on it, so I know this can't be a good thing.  Apparently this tech is going to provide the entire planet with super clean, super plentiful cold fused energy.  Awesome.  What would help the launch of this super awesome tech would be if the guy who actually designed it, one Dr. Nathan Sims (Casper Van Dien), was there to supervise the launch of this super awesome tech that's going to have ramifications across the entire planet.  Oh but no, this clown has chosen this day to fly hot air balloons with his family, hot air balloons they don't seem all that interested in flying with his stupid ass.  So Simon launches the Mega Beam, it pierces the ozone or something, all hell breaks loose as we prepare for the HYPERCANE!!!  That's right, not a hurricane, but a hypercane. 

Dr. Sims recognizes immediately that something is wrong.  Because the wind is blowing real hard, and he and the family get in their Chevy Equinox and drive.  Chevy Equinox… most awesome care ever.  Get used to watching the Sims family running from stuff.  Seriously. 

Back at base, Simon is trying to fix his screw up while his boss is whining about his idea of shutting down the Mega Beam.  Apparently there's monetary implications in this earth destroying beam, with bossman failing to see the bigger picture in that a planet full dead people won't be paying their energy bills.  The Sims family, which also includes Nathan's wife Mona (Sara Lieving) and his bratty adult son pretending to be a teenager Johnny (Bryan Head), are running from a killer wave.  I think.  They run from so much stuff so often in
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this movie that what they are running from at any given time kind of runs together.  I do remember that this does lead to arguably this movies finest moment, a majestic shot of Caspar Van Dien, chin and all, looking heroically to the sky as a killer twister comes his way.  That cat can majestically look to the sky about as well as anybody.  Basically what this leads to is the Sims family loading up the Equinox again and running from another CGI weather phenomena.

Back to the lab, Simon is running around mashing buttons and pulling levers to no avail.  He now realizes, in hindsight, that adjusting Nathan's differential sequential time sequencing bilateral uniform equation might not have been the best idea.  Of course, if Nathan had been there instead flying balloons, this wouldn't have happened, so can we really blame Simon for this?   But what are the Sims doing right now?  I'm not exactly sure, but even money is that they are running from something.

What we need is for the guy that designed this fancy tech to fix this fancy tech.  This means that he has to leave his family for a minute to make it back to the lab.  This means, for us, that we will be watching a fractured family run from weather phenomena.  That's not good for us.  Fortunately they will unite, to run from stuff together again, and maybe fix Simon's screw up, caused by Nathan's absence.  Action will ensue.

I have learned a few things by watching '500 MPH Storm'.  First, that a Hypercane is a real thing that actually could happen.  Probably not due to a rogue mega particle beam, but it could happen.  I've also learned that the Chevy Equinox can fly.  I've also learned that a lot of action in a movie is nice, but a lot of action mated to a little exposition is better.   Or maybe I should say better action mated to better exposition would be better. 

Now don't get me wrong because I did appreciate the effort.  Who can't appreciate a movie with car chases and helicopter chases and being chased by fire, tornadoes, waves, hail, and any other natural occurring weather phenomena you could think of?  The thing is it all got a little repetitive after a while.  Like after the first twenty minutes.  And the movie doesn't take a lot of time to develop much of anything beyond the action as it pretty much throws the audience into the fray from go.  Futile lab attempts, the Sims running from stuff, futile lab attempts, the Sims running from stuff.  Repeat.  And it's not like anybody in this movie was all that fun to hang out with, so if that rogue wave had washed the Sims away, particularly the bratty adult son playing a teenager, we probably wouldn't have missed them all that much.  Except maybe Sara Lieving who is probably a little too young to be the mother of an adult child playing a teenager.  And while I do enjoy my low budget and Asylum movies, I've only seen Ms. Lieving in low budget and Asylum monster and horror movies, and as such Sara might want to think about getting a new agent.  Just saying.

So what we have with '500 MPH Storm' is basically a series of loosely connected chase sequences, strung together by sketchy science and dodgy CGI.  Sometimes, on a good day, that combination can work.  This wasn't one of those days.
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