12/12/12

This new horror film from our good friends at The Asylum, '12/12/12', has some credits introducing us to a lot of people you have probably never heard of, but it's all good because the very first scene we're presented with is a buck ass naked, very top heavy young woman strapped to a table, surrounded by loons dressed like monks, preparing to gut this woman. No reason is ever give as to why they are doing this, but on the positive side the gratuitous nudity is gotten out of the way in the very first scene. I would say you could turn this movie off right now and do something worthwhile with the rest of your day, but then you'd miss this film's star, Sara Malakul Lane, take a bath, get raped by her dead husband, and then get terrorized by these evil monks who felt the need to rip her shirt off. You don't want to miss that. You would've also missed hearing the word 'fuck' uttered 56 times. That breaks down to about one 'fuck' every 75 seconds. I did the math.

Veronica (Lane) and her husband Mahari (Jesus Guevara) are having a baby. Unfortunately the birth isn't going all that well as Veronica's vagina isn't dilating. How do we know this? Well, the doctor is informing us of this and as if that wasn't enough… we get a few choice shots of Veronica's non-dilating vagina while something horrific looking is trying to claw its way out. Hey… I'm just reporting what I saw.

Eventually the baby is born, proceeds to kill everybody in the O.R. except mom… dad was ushered out by then… but at least the family circle is complete. The dead people in the operating room? That kind of stuff always happens all the time, apparently, so let's move on.

There is some concern about the dead people in the O.R. which is being handled by the esoteric Detective Barnes (Steve Hanks) who utters some of the most ridiculous lines you

will ever want to hear, on top of kind of sucking at his job, but he's on the case. Also on the case… the case of being karazay… is the head evil monk Carlos (Carl Donelson) who sneaks around, looks weird and is desperately trying to steal baby Sebastian.

Now baby Sebastian has some murderin' to do… oh wait, first baby Sebastian has to perform the act of cunninlingus on his mom. Hey… I'm just reporting what I saw. But back to Sebastian, he has some killin' to do. In fact, Sebastian is killing so tough, a lot through mind control, that now Detective Barnes thinks that maybe something really does need to be investigated. They even take Sebastian away from Veronica, but then Sebastian kills the social worker. What now? I think the logical thing would be to give Sebastian to another social worker so he can kill her too, I mean it's not like anybody thinks this ugly baby is the killer, but no… Detective Barnes gives him back to his mom, who right now is staying with her hateful sister Gabriella (Laura Alexander Ramos). Sebastian thinks she's sexy too. Not like mom, but still… Sebastian likes.

What exactly is Sebastian's deal, you might ask? Come on now, he was born on 12/12/12 which has to have something to do with… oh, I don't know… Satan maybe? And the chief evil monk plans to make that Satan thing happen, whatever the hell it is because I don't know. But not if mom has something to say about it, no sir! Don't worry about the sister, the cop, the husband or anybody else in this movie for that matter because they're not gonna make it.

True enough, director Jared Cohn's '12/12/12' is kind of horrible, just a little bit, mainly due to a narrative that lacks any type of cohesion, an overuse of profanity that was so overblown and distracting that I resorted to counting 'fucks', a few suspect performances here and there, lapses of logic even in a situation that is patently illogical, and some wildly uneven pacing… but that's negative talk and we're not about the negative here at the FCU. Besides, despite the glaring shortcomings I couldn't have turned the movie off if I tried.

Why? Well for one the existence of Sara Marakul Lane. We remember Ms. Lane from the classic
Sharktopus and while she wasn't much of an actress in that movie, we did observe that she was really cute. The word 'cute' is no longer adequate to describe what Ms. Lane brings to the table today, and plus she has improved as an actress. Maybe it's easier sparring against a fake prosthetic baby than a fake CGI sharktopus. We also have to give it up to the high level of gore and violence, for those of you who like that kind of thing, since pretty much everybody in this movie pretty much met a horrific end. I'm always a sucker for that actor holding a fake demon baby to his neck and thrashing around violently. We also admire Cohn completely pushing the limits and going well past the accepted social graces of good taste. If you're gonna do this, might as well leave a mark. And lest we forget to mention baby Sebastian who aside from being a lecherous, incestuous, mind controlling, patricidal, cannibalistic Satan spawn, was also really ugly. I mean it was so ugly, considering it had no eyeballs and possessed teeth as a newborn, you would think that somebody would've noticed that something was wrong with baby Sebastian, but no, they just passed him off as an ugly baby.

I'm not actively recommending that anyone run out and watch '12/12/12', oh good heavens no, but if you do choose to watch it I'm just here to provide a guide to help you find silver underneath the chaff. That's what we do here, keeping it positive.