Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Indulge me as I spend the next couple of minutes defending director Uwe Boll in the next few sentences. We know that Mr. Boll is often called the worst film director who has ever lived, but if you watch the kinds of movies that we watch here at the FCU, you know full well that’s not true. Considering all of the Supercrocs and Polar Storms and Magic Man’s and so many more that we’ve seen, we challenge that Uwe Boll is a better director than all of those cats who have directed those movies. Now if you want to throw in the variable of dollars allotted per film project undertaken… well… okay… the pool thins out a bit, but there’s still worse out there. This is not a precursor to my ringing endorsement of Boll’s latest, that being ‘In the Name of the King: Two Worlds’ because it is… awful. I mean if you’re really desperate to watch a movie about a modern guy transplanted to medieval times, then pick up Martin Lawrence’s ‘Black Knight’. I know, right? But this is what you gotta do if that’s what you want to see. I’m just saying that there are those out there who suck worse than Uwe Boll. That’s all.

Dolph Lundgren is Granger and Granger is a kung fu master / tortured war veteran. We first observe Granger giving his class of elementary school students a lesson on beating some former soldier friends of his near to death who came to his dojo to help in his demonstration. Kids are now scarred for life. Then he shakes down these friends of his, I think they’re supposed to have served in ‘Nam together, for money so he can buy some stuff for these newly damaged kids. I’m pretty sure none of these guys are old enough to have fought in Vietnam, but that’s what the war picture Granger was crying over sure looked like.

Then, while minding his own business at home, Granger is attacked by a horde of Darth Maul Ninjas. What’s up with that? Fortunately he is rescued by the sorceress Elianna (Natalia Guslistaya) who then transports him back to mythical medieval times to fulfill his destiny as ‘The Chosen One’. Somewhere Eddie Murphy is rolling over in his grave thinking he had the lock on being The Chose One. Not that he’s dead or anything. In Medievel times Granger will meet King Raven. Now this movie might be awful, but Lochlyn Munro’s interpretation of a medieval king? Priceless. In the last ‘In the Name of the King’ we thought Burt Reynolds was a nutty casting choice for a Medieval king, and then there was Eric Roberts as Emperor Tiberius in the movie ‘Cyclops’, but Lochlyn is right up there with those living legends.

The ‘Chosen One’ has a job to do for this king, that being find the Black Queen or whatever, kill her, stop the plague, and then go back home. Now adventure is afoot as Granger, the King’s Guard (Aleks Paunovic), a bunch of disposable soldiers and The Doctor (Natassia Malthe) traipse through the woods. And traipse through the woods. And traipse through the woods. And talk. And talk some more. And then they fight the dragon. Then they talk. Then they come back to our world and an awesome battle ensues between a guy clutching a Mag Light versus the dude with the frying pan. Outstanding.

While at no point during the proceedings does ‘In the Name of the King: Two Worlds’ become a good movie, I can pinpoint the moment when I threw up a little in my mouth. That being a glorious scene when Dolph and Natassia had an in depth discussion about moldy cheese. I think the basis of this conversation had something to do with Louis Pasteur, but seemed to go on forever and it eventually put Natassia Mathe’s character to sleep. Too bad I beat her to those z’s. The thing is for a movie with swashbuckling, firebreathing dragons, and Darth Maul Ninjas, ‘Two Worlds’ was shockingly dull. I really wasn’t expecting this from auteur Boll considering the last film of his we saw, ‘Bloodrayne: Third Reich ’, which might not have made my Top Ten list of 2011, or whenever that movie came out, but it was far from dull. No sir… unless you can convince yourself to be captivated by folks walking in the woods and conversations about moldy cheese, then you might be in trouble if you take this one on. Sure, there was action and stuff, but most of the action was repetitive and almost as lifeless as the moldy cheese talk.

Dolph does his thing, though he’s looking more and more haggard in these movies he shows up in, Aleks Paunovic did good work as the kings guard, Lochlyn Munroe’s medieval king almost made this movie worth watching all on its own, and the story supporting this movie had a pretty decent concept to be honest with you, but Uwe let us down this time. Okay… he let us down again. In fact, he probably should’ve let Dolph direct this movie because Dolph has turned out to be an above average action B-Movie film director.

Ah but that’s neither here nor there. Dolph didn’t direct, he talked about moldy cheese and walked in the woods and beat a medieval king with flashlight. If nothing else that should’ve been funny, instead ‘In the Name of the King: Two Worlds’ was boring and made the movie it followed look like ‘Excalibur’.

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