Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

A new day, a new movie from legendary German film director Uwe Boll. You know, people give Uwe a very hard way to go, but I’m not one to do that. True, the man has made some of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, which is saying something since I’ve seen more than my fair share, but it’s not like Uwe came over to the crib, put a gun to my head and made me watch ‘The Final Storm’ or ‘Far Cry’… which would be a dick move if he actually did that. So we have no ill will towards the man. This brings us to his third installment of his Bloodrayne franchise in ‘Bloodrayne: The Third Reich’ which, believe it or not, is the best Bloodrayne to date, at least in my opinion. That being said, Uwe Boll would have to come over to the crib and put a gun to my head if I were requested to watch it again.

Nazis. Freaking Nazis. I thought there was something about Germany and making Nazi films which precluded this from happening, but now Rayne (Natassia Malthe) has returned to what she did in the video games, that being slaughtering Nazis. Independent of each other, Rayne with her double sword moves is killing Nazis with reckless abandon while The Resistance, led by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher) is mowing them down with a machine gun. During the slaughter Rayne stumbles upon the leader of this crew of Nazis, Commandant Eckerd Brand as played by Uwe Boll’s muse Michael Pare, and drains him dry. But for whatever reason, maybe because Rayne is stupid or something, she didn’t drain him dry properly and has thus created another day walking damphyr. That’s also a Nazi. That’s not good.

Enter Evil Nazi scientist Dr. Mangler… not Mengele, but Mangler, over played by veteran actor Clint Howard to distraction. Mangler has been working on the vampire issue for The Fuhrer with the hopes of injecting Hitler with something that would make him all powerful and invincible. Thus with some of Rayne’s blood in his possession and not to mention The Commandant and his new blood, it looks like Hitler just might be the next day walking, blood sucking damphyr. Again, not good.

What is Rayne doing while all of this Nazi action is going on involving her blood? Mostly, she is having sex. More on that later. But the bottom line is this: Dr. Mangler and The Commandant are on their way to Berlin to give Der Fuhrer his injection of Damphyr blood. The Resistance and Rayne cannot allow this to happen because it will basically mean the end of the earth as we know it. Thus it makes all the sense in the world that The Resistance Leader has Rayne bent over in a moving truck, with the two of them going at it like a bunch of dogs in heat. Hey guys, how about a little focus? What do you say?

So ‘Bloodrayne: Deliverance’ was awful. It was absolutely terrible on almost every level of awfulness. It seems to me that Uwe Boll re-watched that awful movie and came to the conclusion that the main problem with that movie was Natassia Malthe keeping her clothes on throughout that entire movie, and to that end, the inevitable sequel to that movie would be so much better if he just rectified that one tiny mistake. So this time around Rayne gives us a lot more boobalicious cleavage action, Rayne engages in a rather lengthy girl on girl muff diving session with a thankful whore and of course the afore mentioned doggie attack by The Resistance leader. You kind of have to go doggie with Rayne because if you go missionary there is the chance that she’ll go Black Widow on you and drain you dry in the middle of the coitus. Truly, I am getting old because while Natassia Malthe has about as nice a physique as any woman ever, I was still thinking that none of that belonged in this movie. The cleavage? Sure. The muff diving? I don’t think so.

Another thing auteur Boll did with his film is make it really, really brief. It runs about 68 minutes, minus six minutes worth of closing credits and all of the problems that were present in ‘Deliverance’, such as a lack of action, too much dialog, a terrible story and the lack vampire mayhem… Uwe did a complete 180 on this one. I’m sure he shot way more stuff than we saw on our television screen, but my man went into the editing room, got rid of almost all of the dialog, except for the painful nonsense being spouted by Cliff Howard and his Evil Doctor rasp, and retained only the action and the nudity. That, all by itself, makes this episode better than the first two.

But being better than the two previous films still doesn’t make it a good movie. Heck, there are episodes of ‘The View’ that are better than the first two Bloodrayne movies. The movie is still sloppy, it’s still wildly inconsistent, it still makes almost no narrative sense, and even at a scant 68 minutes it still feels as if it went on too long.

But what can I tell you? It’s short, so it won’t take up too much of your time, there’s lots of action, lots of Nazi murder, lot’s of violence and lots of Natassia Malthe’s breasts. If I’m trying to advise you not to see this movie, I realize I’ve done a terrible job by mentioning those things, but they are in there and we cannot lie to you. Most of the time.

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