Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Okay, so I haven’t seen an ‘American Pie’ movie since the first one and as such I haven’t seen any of the direct to video ‘American Pie’ offerings until I saw this one. Not that I’m avoiding these flicks as I have seen quite a few of these allegedly ‘Unrated’ teen / young adult comedies recently with one constant being they weren’t very funny. ‘Cougar Club’, ‘The Long Weekend’, ‘Pigs’ and a few more I can’t remember off hand were all universally crappy. I don’t expect these things to be good movies, but I do expect them to squeeze a laugh out of me somehow, and those were bad movies that didn’t make me laugh. Why in the world would I put myself through any more of that torture? Because I’m stupid, that’s why. But even though I am stupid, allow me to tell you that though ‘American Pie Present: Beta House’ is at least in the top five of the most tasteless movies I have EVER seen, but it did make me laugh. There were times I wasn’t happy about laughing, but I laughed nonetheless.

Since I haven’t seen any of these movies I don’t if this picks up where something left off but Erik Stiffler (John White) is about to embark in his freshman year of college with his best buddy Cooze (Jake Siegel) while Erik’s dad (Christopher McDonald) attempts to encourage his son to forget he recently broke up girlfriend and concentrate on ‘Crushing some ass’ – thirty seconds in and the movie already made me laugh. As Erik and Cooze walk into the co-ed dorms of what I can only assume is Supermodel University, they are amazed by the glorious sites that they see. Erik goes to relieve himself and meets the lovely Ashley (Meghan Heffern) who is taking a shower and gives us a full monty – right off the bat – and she’s the movies nice hero girl. After accidentally urinating on her shower consumables, Eric meets his roommate Bobby (Nic Nac – that’s the man’s name) who is in the middle of sex with his girlfriend and in the middle of this fills Eric in on the workings at the school. The movie is four minutes old and we’ve already seen four titties. So we’re averaging a titty a minute, and this flick will maintain this average throughout its 80 or so minute running time.

But now it’s time to meet the citizens of Beta House led by its captain and leader, Eric’s cousin Dwight Stiffler (Steve Talley). The Beta’s are in bit of trouble this year as the Geek House, which seems to be the logical evolution of the Nerd House from Revenge of the Nerds, has turned into THE house to be at with all the money, the coolest parties, the hottest chicks and they do not like the Beta House in the least bit. Led by the ultra aggressive nerd Edgar (Tyrone Savage), this dude has sworn to stomp out the Beta’s really for no particular reason other than they exist. After some Nerd / Beta confrontations this will lead to a revival of something called the Olympic competition or something in which the two frats compete in variety of lame games with the loser of the game disbanding and leaving the campus. Needless to say hijinx and mayhem will ensue with enough bodily fluids being ejected to fill a small swimming pool.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that ‘American Pie Presents: Beta House’ is not a good movie, at least in how we regularly rate movies, that being a film having great acting, character development, clever story telling and a minimum of projectile vomiting. The sheer number of projectile vomit scenes eliminates ‘Beta House’ from a bevy of those year end awards that these cats weren’t even trying to get in the first place. What I liked about ‘Beta House’ is that if you absolutely have to make a movie like this, then this how it should be done. How can we offend thee? Why let us count the ways. There’s more projectile vomit in this movie than any movie ever, which has to be SOME kind of accomplishment, there’s horse semen, dudes having sex with sheep, teddy bears getting facials, hot chicks with dicks, female ejaculation and tons and tons and tons of tits. But not one single fart. Can you believe that? A tasteless teen flick and not single scene of flagellance. Praise be unto Buddah. I’m sure there are more offensive transgressions, but this is all I could remember in the last few minutes as I’m sure the litany of crimes committed by this film even longer still. There were a couple of times I could see the joke coming clearly down the road and I would drop my hand in my head and say to myself, ‘oh please don’t there’, and there they would go. There was no shame. And on more than one occasion it made me laugh.

I fully recognize that this flick is probably another nail in the coffin of what is already a completely morally bankrupt nation, and I do hope that the future aliens who uncover our history watch something like ‘Finding Nemo’ prior to ‘Beta House’ before passing judgment on a long extinct civilization, but you know, if you like tits, and to quote Howard Hughes ‘who doesn’t like tits?’, then ‘Beta House’ pretty much does what it set out to do.

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