If there is a more tasteless movie than ‘The Long Weekend’, I would like to see it.  Or not.  When one speaks in absolutes, say by saying ‘That’s the Worst Movie Ever’ or ‘X Movie is the Best Movie Ever’ and the like, particularly when it’s me talking who almost never speaks in absolutes, then there must be something to it.  So when I tell you that ‘The Long Weekend’ is the most tasteless movie I’ve ever seen, as I can’t say that’s it’s the most tasteless movie ever made since I haven’t seen every movie ever made, it must be pretty damn tasteless.  But simply being tasteless doesn’t mean that it’s poor as ‘The Long Weekend’ could conceivably be funny in addition to being the most tasteless movie I’ve ever seen, say similar to ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’ which was pretty damn tasteless but also crazy funny.  ‘The Long Weekend’ is not funny by way, but it conceivably could have been though.

Our film starts with narration by struggling actor Cooper Waxman (Chris Klein) speaking about his brother Ed Waxman (Brendan Fehr).  He explains to us that Ed has always been addicted to his camcorder, filming any and everything he could find which leads us to viewing all of the ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ that that show could not broadcast on television.  We’re talking about dogs eating their own poop, monkeys masturbating, Rhino’s humping, gorillas pissing on people and more blows to nutsack than you can even begin to count.  Ed’s keen video eye has landed him a great job at an advertising agency (again, the only job available in movies) which he excels at until he catches his fiancée blowing his best friend, which is never cool.  Ed, who is rather weak with the ladies, attempts to reconcile, though his girl isn’t interested and this causes him to falter at his job and get fired.  However, just as he is about out the door his firm loses their biggest client and Ed tells his boss that by Monday he will work through the weekend and come up with a campaign that will save the client and ultimately save his job.

Cooper on the other hand has no problem with the ladies and sees his brother’s plight as a personal challenge.  Ed just wants to spend the weekend working on his ad campaign, but Cooper is of the belief that Ed needs to get laid before he makes another move.  And thus starts Ed’s odyssey into the night that includes setting people on fire, going to a funeral filled with supermodels, getting rejected by prostitutes, getting raped in prison and meeting a pretty girl who he has no business being with but who we know he will get with at the end.  In between all of this we are also treated to more home videos of flatulence, animal sex, the expulsion of various body fluids and more blows to the nutsack that you could ever imagine.

When Cooper exits the bedroom with a girl he’s just had quickie with and the woman by his side has a white fluid streaming down from her inner thigh from under her mini-skirt, one might say that that is mighty tasteless, but what it wasn’t was funny.  When Ed tries to befriend a little girl at a horse camp for the children of single mothers and he says a bunch inappropriate things while standing in front of a horse with a huge erection, one might say that that is mighty tasteless, but what it wasn’t was funny.  There are scenes galore of this nature in ‘The Long Weekend’ that was heavy on crass but a little light on actual, innovative, clever humor.  I mean there comes a time when a blow to the nutsack simply stops being funny guys.

This is not to say that I sat through the entire film stone faced because there were a couple of funny bits sprinkled throughout the massive amounts of extreme low brow humor, but there wasn’t nearly enough considering the tome of the film, as far as I could tell, which was supposed to be one hilarious moment after another.  I mean ‘The Color Purple’ made me laugh a couple of times too you know, but I don’t think ‘Funnier than the Color Purple’ was the critics blurb that director Pat Holden was shooting for. 

The cast was game with Chris Klein hamming it up to the best of his limited ability and Brendan Fehr coming off as so sour and sullen it’s a wonder he had a girlfriend to begin with.  Canadian actress Cobie Smulders plays the pretty girl Ellen, a former model now photographer who in the film is irresistibly attracted to Ed, for reasons unknown and sleeps with him immediately to break his cold spell also for reasons unknown.  They also had sex with their clothes on which a little odd, also considering how much nudity was actually this movie.  But there you go.  When a bunch of nudity can’t override copious shots to the nutsack I can’t with a good conscious recommend any movie.  But it was almost as funny as ‘The Color Purple’.