Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

The name of the movie is ‘2-Headed Shark Attack’. The movie is about a shark with two heads that attacks. Duh. The movie stars a bunch girls of varying cup sizes in bikinis, the brother of Jerry O’Connell, the daughter of Hulk Hogan and Carmen Elektra who plays a doctor who does very little doctoring but an awful lot of sun tanning.  It was directed by the progeny of Fred Olen Ray… and most importantly it is being released by The Asylum. A movie with those amazing ingredients percolating away has success written all over it. Depending on your definition of success, of course.

A group of college kids, none of whom you’re going to want to get too terribly attached to, are taking a class at sea hosted by Oceanography Professor Dr. Babish (Jerry O’Connell) and his wife Anne Babish M.D. (Elektra). The kids, of whom there are many, are the usual suspects such as the bodacious Kate (Brooke Hogan) who looks to be our defacto Final Girl, Paul the Smart Guy (David Gallegos) who has all kinds of valuable knowledge on everything related to everything, Cole the Douche (Geoff Ward) we bet will be stabbing somebody in the back in no time flat, and our favorite character Lyndsey the ‘We All Gonna Die Guy’(Shannan Stewart) who is as cute as a button and takes Hysterical Freak Out to all new dizzying heights. These kids are learning all kinds of valuable oceanography information, such as how to use a sextant… and that’s about it. Without warning a shark of some kind gets caught up in the propellers, ripping a hole in the bottom of the boat, which forces the boat to dock by a nearby atoll (little bitty island) while repairs are preformed. If case you’re concerned that the two headed shark hasn’t showed up yet, it has. Ate a couple of jet skiers in the opening scene, ate boat full douches, and helped crack open the bottom of the boat by trying to eat that dead shark caught in the propellers so it’s been plenty busy up to this point.

Anne the M.D. urges her silly husband not to ferry these kids to the nearby atoll, her 2-headed shark radar going nuts I suppose, but her husband insists that this an educational experience for the kids because they might see some incredible stuff like holes in the ground and dirt on this tiny island.

It doesn’t take long before the shark starts wreaking havoc. Lady trying to fix the boat… shark food. Chicks making out topless while dude looks on… all shark food. The Black Guy (Markenson Charles)… shark food. The kids who tried to help the stupid professor who fell down… shark food. About that… Professor Babish fell down and hurt his leg. From the sound of his howling wails of agonizing death one would’ve thought he was shot in the nutsack with a bazooka. Upon closer inspection it looks more like a splinter. Regardless, he can’t walk now and continues to howl in pain.

At this point the shark is pretty much eating everything and everybody. I know it has two heads but only one stomach right? A stomach that should be stuffed to the brim with college students by now. Worse still, the atoll is about to collapse into the ocean. Man, we are in trouble. What we need is somebody skilled in underwater welding, which as it so happens is NOT a specialized skill. Kate the Bodacious happens to possess just this set of skills. Because her dad was a welder, even though she hasn’t been in the water since a shark scared her when she was Kate the Tiny some ten years ago. My dad was a Green Beret. Does the mean I’m a Green Beret?  According to this movies logic, I think it does. Have we mentioned Cole the Douche stabbing people in the back yet? It’s not looking good for our college kids right now.

Obviously ‘2-Headed Shark Attack’ from The Asylum will have some challenges to overcome, but these are expected challenges. For instance, while Brooke Hogan isn’t much of an actress, I’m thinking she’s still probably the best actress in this hefty cast, and she was much more believable in this movie playing a college student with big boobs than she was playing a paleontologist with big boobs in ‘Sand Sharks’. Yes, the editing was a little choppy phasing from the underwater CGI shark of varying sizes to the prop head shark. Sure the story was wildly inconsistent, but it was consistently inconsistent which actually worked here and it was funny watching Professor Babish constantly yell, ‘The kids are in Danger!’ while they were getting torn to shreds. No professor, the kids are dead. I think that’s what you meant to say.

What we’re left here in relation to you… the viewer… and this movie ‘2-Headed Shark Attack’ is expectations. Did you expect this movie to be good, make sense, and have Shakespearean troupe quality acting? I certainly hope not, especially when you observe that this is the first movie that a large number of our cast of young people have ever been in. But did you expect to see boobs, chintzy sharks, bikinis, CGI college kids getting ripped to CGI shreds by a CGI shark? Carmen Elektra acted in this movie… so to speak… and also pulled off a Maxim Video Photoshoot spread. I gotta say, I didn’t see the Maxim Video shoot coming. Gerald Webb was in this movie. We’ve been championing this dude as the Next Great Star as he always shows up in these Asylum flick and he always get murderized. He did not let us down this time either. If you expected these things, the chances are that ‘2-Headed Shark Attack’ will meet, if not even exceed your expectations.

Director Christopher Ray just might be getting started in his directing career, but based on ‘Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus’, casually ignoring ‘Almighty Thor’ which could be the worst movie ever made, young Mr. Ray might already be on par with his much more experienced father Fred. Of course that would mean that he’s risen to the level of ‘not very good at it’, but he would’ve gotten their quicker which means he has room to grow.

The bottom line is that ‘2-Headed Shark Attack’ didn’t let me down. Within our tightly controlled qualifications of lunacy, this one gets the low budget, poorly acted, fast paced, B-Movie seal of approval.

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