We are under attack my friends, and not just by ‘Sand Sharks’, but do recognize that they are part of the offensive. We are under attack, early in the year 2012, the year when that mysterious planet crashes with our Earth and ends life as we know it on December 21. We are under attack by B-Movie Mania! I don’t know what’s going on but the year is barely three weeks old as of this writing and already we’ve had to deal with ‘Super Sharks’, ‘Snow Beasts’, ‘Camel Spiders’ and now ‘Sand Sharks’. Are we in the midst of a B-Movie renaissance? If so, then American World Pictures, The Asylum, Cinetel, RHI and whoever else shuttles this stuff onto some form of HD media to eventually show up on Syfy needs to drop me a line because I’ve got some B-Movie conceptualizations that will blow their collective minds. But later for all of that because right now we have to crap on ‘Sand Sharks’, because if I don’t do it, who will?
Corin Nemec, who has yet to live up to the promise of being the stalwart low budget B-Movie hero we were hoping he’d be, promise that he displayed in ‘Mansquito’, is Jimmy Green. Jimmy is a hustler and is back on whatever island this is an attempt to convince his old man The Mayor (Edgar Allen Poe IV) to allow him to throw the spring break party to end all spring break parties. We already saw a sand shark cutting through the silica and eat a couple of dirt bikers, so if the party gets the okay, it should be off the chain.
However Officer Stone (Eric Scott Woods), who despises Jimmy, is trying to stop this party because having found the severed head of one of these bikers, he thinks he has a serial killer on his hands. His sister, the other Officer Stone (Vanessa Lee Evigan), believes these bikers were killed by a shark, judging by the jagged bite marks on their necks. Of course it can’t be sharks because this body was found inland and what kind of shark would drop a body off five hundred yards into the beach? A sand shark, that’s what kind of shark. Duh. And if you don’t believe me then ask the old crazy dude Angus (Robert Pike Daniel) channeling the ghost of Sam Quint, a guy who has been hunting sand sharks since he was just a little bitty lunatic so long ago.
What we need is some kind of shark expert, preferably a 23-year old, over developed, doctor of Philosophy in the field of Marine Biology who wears tight tank tops, Daisy Dukes
and struggles with her lines in the form Dr. Sandy Powers (Brooke Hogan). What she has learned is that it is indeed a shark completely killing people on the beach, and darn if it isn’t swimming in the sand.
The height of irresponsibility would be to continue with this blow out party. The party is ON! And so with about fifteen or twenty of the most raucous college kids ever, shot in a clever way to make it look like there are way more kids at this blowout party, and the uninvited guest of Sand Sharks, what a party it will be. With college kids on the menu, can the low budget versions of Scheider, Dreyfuss, and Shaw put an end to the Sand Shark menace? Let’s hope so because we don’t know if we could survive ‘Sand Sharks 2’.
The movie is titled ‘Sand Sharks’ which lets you know that’s it is probably going to be fairly awful, all things considered. The movie is directed by my man Mark Atkins who last we last saw assaulting us with the epic ‘Battle of Los Angeles’ which also is a solid indicator that ‘Sand Sharks’ might be a struggle to get through, though Mark is one of my B-Movie Go-To-Guys. Finally, one of the leads in our film is more famous for having a reality show and a WWF star for a father than being an actress which might be strike three for ‘Sand Sharks’. Conceivably ‘Sand Sharks’ could be entertaining despite these issues, I mean it didn’t happen, but it at least it was conceivable.
We already have accepted, before even watching a single frame, that we will be dealing with some suspect acting, a wacky damn near incomprehensible storyline, cut rate CGI and a budget so low that catering probably consisted of WIC juice boxes and string cheese. We actually kind of look forward to these limitations. However it’s been my limited experience that the classic B-movie emerges from the subject matter being taken very serious. Overly serious. Usually when everyone involved treats the B-movie like it’s Othello, that B-movie is usually really funny. ‘Dinoshark’ would be a great example of this in action. Not a great movie mind you, but a sure fire entertaining one because of how seriously the silly subject was handled. ‘Sand Sharks’ however played its cards completely tongue in cheek. Not that this is a bad approach, but when you go for humor and it’s not funny, which it really wasn’t here, at all, you have a movie that started out not so great, just end in entertainment failure. Now Robert Pike Daniel looked like he was playing it straight, and as such he was the most entertaining thing in this movie, and while Brooke Hogan does have a dizzying array of God-given natural attributes that aren’t easily reproducible, at least not without the help of a gifted plastic surgeon, acting isn’t one of those attributes as of yet.
Still, it is called ‘Sand Sharks’ and if you watch these kinds of movies, like we do, you probably know what you are getting into. It’s just on our sliding scale of judging these things, we’re thinking this one could’ve been a little more entertaining.