Oh my… that was… turrible. I mean it’s The Asylum’s version of Thor so we expected it to possess a certain jenesequa of craptitude, but this one threw me for a little loop. This movie was so bad that my brother, a notorious bad movie watcher, called me up said… ‘I couldn’t make it through’. That’s the equivalent of a crackhead getting halfway through smoking a rock then looking at the pipe and saying ‘you know what, this crack isn’t crackery enough. I can do better.’ And then walking away. Unprecedented!
Welcome to Asgard… or Valhalla… I’m not sure. But I know it consists of a lot woods and a stationary CGI castle filmed from four miles away. Loki (Richard Greico) has risen from hell and he is angry. Yes, he looks like the member of Quiet Riot that got kicked out of the band for being too gay, but trust us, it’s Loki. Loki is going to bring down Asgard and its legions of soldiers, or rather that one soldier and his legion of little CGI miniature colleagues filmed from four miles away in front of that stationary castle, and he wants Odin to give him the Hammer of Invincibility!
Where is Odin? Odin (Kevin Nash) is walking in the woods with his tough son Baldir (Jess Allen) and his winey son Thor (Cody Deal) with none of these men all that interested that their kingdom is burning to the ground. Odin needs to talk to the Three Hot Chicks Who Know Stuff who informs him that his fate is sealed and all is doomed. Odin is totally cool with this. Off Odin goes to die while Thor whines mightily.
Eventually Thor and Loki engage in an epic battle with Thor tricking Odin into murdering Baldir and then stabbing him in the back. Odin… Worst Norse God Ever. Thor is lying under a big giant dog crying. Thor cries an awful lot in this movie so get used to that. Thor finds his dead people and cries some more. Loki finds Thor and beats him senseless, wanting to know where Odin put the Hammer of Invincibility, but Loki is unceremoniously kicked in the face by Jarnsaxa the Valkyrie Warrior Princess (Patricia Velazquez) who scurries a crying Thor away to the secret land.
Thor wants to face Loki in battle, Jarnsaxa informs him that he’s not ready. He needs training. Cut away to Loki, cut back to Thor who is now wearing some chainmail with his deltoid guns exposed and apparently he’s been trained. OH NO! It’s a giant dog! Time to go to earth.
It seems Jarnsaxa has a little earth hideout where she goes when she needs to get away and here she gives this alleged God of Thunder what every Norse God needs, and that would be an Uzi. Outstanding. Eventually Loki makes his way to earth, wrecks stuff with his big dogs and worms, Thor wants to fight, unloads his Uzi on Loki, gets it taken away, gets beat up again, cries some more, misplaces Jarnsaxa, cries about that, then gets into a final fight with Loki who for some reason wants to destroy The Tree of Life, which will destroy the Earth, just like he destroyed Asgard. And even though this version of Thor kind of sucks as a warrior, he did beat up the Three Hot Chicks Who Know Stuff. Yay Thor.
Look man, I have no issue with the God of Thunder picking up an Uzi and popping off a few caps. If I was a god and you gave me an Uzi, I’d probably do the same thing. Sure, I would’ve liked for the producers to have sprung for a horse or two so Odin didn’t have to slowly walk everywhere, and I liked that fact Odin and Thor were gods simply because they told us they were gods. Odin didn’t do one single god-like thing in this movie except throw the Hammer of Invincibility away. It probably would’ve been cool if Cody Deal knew how to act, but he obviously lifts a lot of weights which is probably more difficult than acting so we respect that. Bad CGI? No problem. Loki sounding like a cast member off of Jersey Shore? The horrible screams of people we can’t see? Krazy sexy Patricia Velazquez’s accent getting heavier and heavier with each passing moment? No issues there. Thor crying like a 220 pound sissy all the time… little problem… but hey, he’s an emotional guy.
We’re cool with all of these limitations. My friends, we look forward to these limitations. What we didn’t appreciate is that Christopher Ray’s movie put me to sleep three times which meant it took me two days to watch this movie. The reason for these coma inducing sleep fests is that the majority of this movie consisted of people walking in the woods. Real slow. They might’ve been talking about stuff during these slow strolls through the woods… I mean Asgard… but considering that dialog wasn’t one this films strengths, we went to sleep. Eventually these slow strolls would lead to some epic medieval battle… filmed in slow motion. You’re killing me over here Christopher Ray. When we got to those alleys in the big city our characters would run on occasion, but in slow motion. Or they would walk, then walk slower and then walk in slow motion. I’m asleep again.
Only when Thor started capping with that Uzi did things finally get to where I needed them to be. If they had followed that up with a Ninja or a Hillbilly, we might’ve been able to save this thing, but then it went back into slow mo.
I haven’t been disappointed in an Asylum flick in an awful long time because at this point in the game I know what I’m going to get and actually look forward to it. Being put to sleep isn’t on the checklist. They actually made my big brother turn away. I didn’t think that was possible and it’s going to take some time for me to forgive them for that.