‘Vampire Cleavage’ would’ve probably been a better title for this Jim Wynorski joint ‘Vampire in Vegas’ because this movie was way more interested in showing us heaving globes of milky white flesh than showing us vampires. Or entertaining us. No nudity either so it would benefit you mightily to have a cleavage fetish while also possessing a nipple aversion for you to get the most out of this particular movie.

FCU favorite Tony Todd narrates as the lead character in this movie, Sylvian the 300 year old vampire. Sylvian wants to be governor of Nevada, I mean Jesse Ventura and Arnold pulled this off so why not a vampire. Only thing is that Governor’s need to come out in daylight on occasion so Sylivian has dispatched his boobalicious scientist Dr. Van Helm (Delia Sheppard) to develop a serum so that he can make this happen. You will be hard pressed finding a hotter 48 year old woman than Delia Sheppard, though this knowledge does not make this movie any better.

Somewhere else on the planet a young man named Jason (Edward Spivak) is going to Yellowstone for his bachelor party with his boys, but as tends to happen in movies such as this his ‘up to no good’ buddy Cino (Frankie Cullen) has rerouted this Yellowstone bachelor party to Las Vegas. Cino’s boobalicious girlfriend Nikki (Brandon Rackley) knows her man will be up to no good and since she apparently used to be a CIA agent or something places a tracking device on his person so she and Jason’s less than boobalicious fiancée (though they are still nice) Rachel (Sonya Joy Simms) can keep a tab on the boys.

Back in Vegas Sylvian’s experimental tests have resulted in a dead boobalicious vampire or two popping up which has directed crack Vegas cops Stanton (Ted Monte) and the boobalicious O’Hara (Gigi Erneta) on the investigative case. Though she does dress incredibly inappropriately for a police detective, on the occasions when Ms. Erneta is on the screen, be it because she’s the hottest woman in this movie full of hot women or the fact that she can actually act, ‘Vampire in Vegas’ because infinitely more watchable.

Anyway, our crew of bachelor partiers end up at the wrong vampire strip club, ala ‘Dusk til Dawn’, soon followed by their women and their tracking devices and soon all hell breaks loose. Not surprisingly our fiancée has gotten herself all captured up by our gubernatorial vampire leaving her man to spout bat wings and rescue her. It’s complicated.

Even though we are giving ‘Vampire in Vegas’ a hard time, and it does deserve to be given a hard time because it is pretty terrible, but it does have its charms. Of course all of these charms are kind of wrapped around the terribleness of it all but they are charms nonetheless. Take Tony Todd for instance. We’ve said this before about Mr. Todd, a man who has been in more horrific movies than just about anybody on the planet earth, but it bears repeating that while I’m sure he’s aware that he’s in a crap movie he still approaches it as if he’s performing Othello at the Royal Shakespearean Theater. We call that ‘professionalism’ where I come from. Sure there were times that it seemed that Othello over there was getting a little too carried away with The Bard’s work, but it is Tony Todd so we don’t care that he overacts a little bit every once in a while.

Another thing we appreciated about this movie is that it has introduced to us here at the FCU to Gigi Ernata who is a lovely woman to watch in motion. Since we were not familiar with her we decided to backtrack to find some more of her work, which unfortunately has led us more to Wynorski, Sci-Fi channel type joints so I’m sure you can understand why we will have to be cautiously measured in getting to know this beautiful woman better. Fine as she is, she isn’t worth risking our sanity over.

What we didn’t appreciate all that much was the fact the story is pure nonsense, the acting was suspect at best and the special effects would’ve been appreciated more in 1969 than in 2009. I dug the scene where our crack cops were watching a security cam tape of Sylvian the vampire an observed how his image was blurry while everything around his image was sharp. Actually the whole image was blurry. If someone would’ve had the good sense to twist one of those TV knobs he just might’ve come in crystal clear.

Yes, ‘Vampire in Vegas’ is pretty bad and yes we still don’t know why after twenty five years and 100 movies Jim Wynorski isn’t better at this, it is still the best vampire in Vegas movie we’ve seen with the competition being ‘Vegas Vampires’. If the goal was to be better than that movie, then we have a success my friends.