Worst. Movie. Ever. Okay, so it’s really not the worst movie ever and probably isn’t even in the top ten worst movies I’ve ever seen but ‘Vegas Vampires’ is certainly in the top 100. And it’s gonna hurt me to trash it. The reason this is going to be painful for me is because my main man Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson served as the director for this horror and it also featured a cast of luminaries such as Bernie Casey, Deebo, Shaft, the Fat Baldwin and a setting no less spectacular than the city of lights itself, Las Vegas. Sadly none of this glorious talent and all the lights in the world couldn’t help ‘Vegas Vampires’ find its ass.

So Deebo, or detective Johnson as they are calling Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister in this flick and his partner Detective Peterson (Glenn Plummer) are staking out something for reasons we aren’t told and run into some vampires doing some vampire type stuff. Upon seeing Tommy, the king of these vampires, Q (Alex Wilkinson), turns into a chintzy CGI specter and runs away, then a homeless vampire attacks Peterson but this vamp has to stop and flee because Peterson has garlic in his shirt pocket. Now these two cops had no earthly idea that vampires existed before this moment so we could easily ask why in the F**K did this cat have cloves of garlic in his pocket, but we’re not. I guess you just never know and it’s better to be safe

After this little event we are presented with concurrent stories, with one featuring The Hammer and Shaft making a road trip to Vegas. Then we meet hopeful Rap impresario Carl who is cutting a track with Little Juliet (as opposed to Little Romeo – get it?) and his boy Phillip played by a man who goes by the nom de plume of Rio in this flick, which I’m guessing he is using to hide his real identity so the folks back at DeVry won’t know that he was in this movie. Phillip has sold his Corvette to buy a ring to marry his rather bitchy fiancé Lisa (Carla Di Bello) and now this pair is also road tripping to Las Vegas to take those nuptials. Phillip is also the step son of Deebo by the way and is also on his way to being a cop.

Some stuff eventually happens and soon vampires are freaking everywhere, though nobody seems real overly concerned about it though until super hot nun Sister Angela Marie (Jacqueline Fleming), on direct loan from the Vatican, tells the cops and them that they should really try to do something about their vampire problem. Eventually… well… I don’t really know what’s going on but I do know that there is a house full of vampires doing the nasty circle incantation dance and then everybody in the movie shows up to kill them. Sister Angela Marie tells them that only her Holy Water Blessed arrow gun can kill the vampires but the Blaxploitation throwbacks and Deebo use their big guns anyway and damn if that fine but stupid nun was wrong because apparently bullets from old school Blaxploitation heroes must be blessed too because Vampires are getting mowed the f**k down. With the vampire menace vanquished either the Vatican has loosened those silly celibacy rules or Sister Angela just has a thing for 6’7" 300 pound crooked eyed Black Guys because it looks to me as if Officer Johnson and the sister are running off to find their happy places. Outstanding!

The problems with ‘Vegas Vampires’ are vast but if we’re going to try and stick to the basics here. The acting is some of the most atrocious I’ve ever seen. I mean when Bernie Casey and Richard Rountree aren’t giving us the solid goods then all is pretty much lost. Until the hot nun had her conversation the FBI agent who looked like he was about sixteen years old, which was the best acting sequence in the entire movie, this possibly could have been worst recital of lines since my twelve year olds school rendition of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. I told that idiot drama teacher that perhaps the subject matter was a ‘bit’ too heavy, but do they listen to me? Another issue is that this had to be the worst edited flick I’ve seen in a while as well. I don’t know much but in a two-shot when a character is waving her arms when shot from the back and has her arms folded in the next shot from the front, it kinds of ruins the whole ‘movie magic’ moment. I also enjoyed the scene where apparently one of the lights blew in the middle of a shot as the scene just went dark, but like a true pro knowing his flick has to be under budget, the Hammer was like ‘it’s a wrap baby’, let’s move on.

Another problem was I don’t know if The Hammer was going for laughs or trying to play this straight as some parts simply HAD to be tongue in cheek. Vampires on the attack who all of the sudden ‘forget’ that they are allergic to the sun, vampires who constantly do that gyrating nasty circle dance, a pair of honeymooners having sex but my man keeping his pants on, a porn producer hearing some trouble and instead of leaving the premises decides to become Mannix, as well as plenty of other little fun issues. The DVD was also ‘crammed’ with extras such as… scene selection. I could have used a director’s commentary for real on this one.

Not all was absolutely terrible as actor Eric Etabari died so cool that it should be required study for actors in their ‘how to die properly’ class, Jacqueline Flemming makes for one fine Nun, and the movie had Deebo in a starring role. How often has that ever happened?

Oh well, I’m glad to see my people working even when it’s in garbage. However ‘Vegas Vampires’ might be stupid enough for some of you to get some entertainment out of it, but I’ll go ahead and load my copy of ‘Boss Nigger’ to see the Hammer the way he was meant to be remembered. Not that he’s dead or anything.