The Heat

Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So this is what the buddy cop movie has come to. Are we here at the FCU upset that this movie ‘The Heat’ is chick buddy cop movie? Of course not, in fact this is long overdue. But alas in today’s market with today’s current demographic, it takes gimmicky, say like a quip between two middle-aged women joking about the condition of their weathered vaginas, to actually get one of these movies made that might convince people to go to the theaters and see one of these things. Now, if Denzel and Marky Mark’s buddy cop joint ‘2 Guns’ actually does better business than Miss Melissa and Sandra B’s movie… I will stand corrected. I’m no reader of future tea leaves, but I think I’m good though.

First things first. Starting your opening credits with the Isley Brothers? Never a bad idea. Anyway, in New York City we are introduced to FBI agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) who is just about the best agent ever. Just ask her. Thus we can see the issue as she is a pompous, self-important asshole.

Just up US Highway 1 we are in Boston. Or is it down? My geography is for shite. Regardless, we meet up with Boston detective Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy), who just might the toughest cop Boston has ever seen. Problem is she is a profane, hard drinking, abrasive, verbally abusive… thing. How in the world are these disparate personalities ever going to meet so they can hate each other, before eventually falling into buddy cop love?

There is a bad man of unknown origin, dealing drugs in Boston by the name of Larkin, and while you would think Boston FBI might be able to handle the case, they can’t. Thus New York FBI dispatches their top agent to Boston to try crack this case. Partially because they want her away from them. Mullins wants in on some of this action, but Ashburn, being the jerk she is, wont share. In fact she wants Mullins badge taken away. Thing is though, Mullins knows the streets of Boston just about as well as anybody and these two cops… one who plays by the rules and the other who can’t even spell the word… must know join forces to bring down a bad man.

Well… not really. For if there was a movie where the narrative was secondary… heck, maybe even tertiary or quatitiery (not a real word)… It is ‘The Heat’. Sure, there is a bad man out there doing some bad stuff on the streets of Boston, I mean they even play it up like it’s some kind of big Kaiser Sose styled mystery as to whom this person might be, but the basic tenant of THIS movie is placing Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock in situations of varying ridiculousness and hoping something funny comes out it. That’s pretty much it. Did it work? Yeah… pretty much.

You see the truth of the matter is, at least from a story telling perspective, ‘The Heat’ is actually a terrible movie. The story just ambles around from one plot point to the next, all of it is very loosely connected, held together mostly by duct tape and spit. Screenwriter Katie Dippold’s script, directed by ‘Bridesmaids’ Paul Feig, does have certain points it has to reach, it’s just that getting to these various points is pretty haphazard and really has no rhyme or reason behind much of it.

Now this might sound like that I didn’t like ‘The Heat’. Oh no, nothing could be father from the truth, this movie was straight murdering me. If I was an ultimate fighter in the octagon in a battle with ‘The Heat’, I would’ve been forced to tap out halfway through. And it would be the beefy shoulders of Melissa McCarthy that has me in this virtual figure four leglock forcing me to tap out. Sandra might get top billing, I mean she does have the hardware on her mantle on top of being tall and pretty, but this is Melissa McCarthy’s movie to do with as she so pleases.

Sort of like the early days of the acting career of Richard Pryor… we’re talking pre-Superman III, pre- Brewster’s Millions… Melissa McCarthy is the kind of talent you just roll out there and let her go. This brings me back this films script. While I’m sure there were words on the page under the name of MULLIN, I have to wonder what the percentage of the words that the woman actually read. I’m going to go with 22 percent. I wouldn’t even be surprised if under MULLIN the script just said ‘Melissa, do that thing you do’, and then everybody else just stood back to see how well Sandra Bullock could react to whatever Melissa just did. I could be wrong, but that vagina quip I mentioned earlier? I don’t think anybody pulled out their laptop and actually typed that.

The only thing that worries me about Miss McCarthy is that people who are that gifted, and believe me, this is a world class talent before us, is that they usually have all kinds of other demons they have to deal with. Ability like that usually doesn’t come cheap. Regardless of all of that, I plan to be laughing with that lady until my kids put me in the hospice.

Again, ‘The Heat’ is a terrible movie. Really, it is. A terrible movie that I will probably have to buy when it comes out on Blu-Ray as I am sure there are some extras and deleted scenes that I do not want to miss.