Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Somewhere on the planet Earth some mighty scared scientist are very carefully loading a small vial of stuff onto a cargo plane. Apparently this stuff is a Dark Matter substance that came from outer space, and mined during the Cold War, and termed Ice Ten. Problem is, as told to us by former CIA Science Director Dr. Jordan (Ben Cross), you CANNOT put Ice Ten on an airplane because its composition is way too volatile. A few years back I was on an airplane with Ice Cube and that brother was extremely volatile, so I can only imagine how messed up Ice Ten would be on a flight. Just so you know, once this plane was forced to crash land, and once Ice Ten broke through and disrupted its tenuous containment chamber, it leveled about a good ten square miles of Northern Canada. And that was just a milligram of this stuff. What we need to do now is find a way to get rid of the rest of this titanic nuclear compound, and to do that we will need a tanker, but not just any old kind of tanker… but a SUPER TANKER!!! Is this a good movie? Of course it isn’t, but man… I live for this junk.

The plan for Dr. Jordan is to move the remaining vials of Ice Ten to this super large tanker, float it out to the deepest part of the ocean, fill it with concrete and then sink the tanker to fifteen thousand feet below sea level where Ice Ten will become inert. Should something go wrong on this trip and the Ice Ten activates, then the resulting explosion will essentially destroy half the planet, and blacken the skies engulfing the world in a ten thousand year ice age. But nothing is going to go wrong, right? Yeah… right.

Issue one for our Super Tanker crew is a rogue wave. Gotta hate it when you’re transporting volatile Nuclear Juice and a rogue wave appears out of nowhere. Also, this is the first of many digital countdowns in this movie while Dr. Jordan directs this action from the safety of his Pentagon bunker, while the ticker counts down to triple zero before the wave hits. Sure enough, the wave hits and destabilizes Ice Ten for a minute, creating some extremely volatile radioactive steam, which then has to be vented out into the atmosphere, which then creates and extremely lethal Death Cloud which blows up anything it comes into contact with.

So bad the situation has become on the Super Tanker that Dr. Brown is forced to call in his Super Containment Team which consists of emotionally damaged Nuclear Physicist Adam Murphy (Callum Blue), his ex-wife Morgan (Jon Mack) and their broken English speaking sidekick Jacky (Jacky Woo). Adam has been drinking himself into oblivion ever since a job went bad a few years back and killed half his team. You know the routine.

So our team lands on the tanker, much to the dismay of the hardcore Colonel in charge of this op (Atanas Srebrev) who claims he has the sitch under control, but considering the colonel has already pooped the bed by venting another Death Cloud, this one way bigger than the last one and is on its way to Honolulu… the countdown has begun again… were not listening to this dude. What our trio of containment specialist need to do is type on keyboards really fast, and find a way to stabilize Ice Ten before the nukes hit. What Nukes you say? Come on man… what does the U.S Government in movies do to solve disaster issues? We nuke it baby. Adam had to make a tough call years ago which put him in the current condition he’s in now. Can he make another tough call, the toughest of them all, to save all our lives? Except those Honolululians because we can’t help them no more? We sure hope so because we don’t wanna die. Or more accurately, I don’t wanna die. Could care less about the rest you folks.

This movie comes to us from UFO Pictures, who I think is a relatively new company joining the ranks of AWP, RHI, The Asylum, and Cinetel in making SYFY styled disaster movies, and we just can’t have enough of these companies making these kinds of movies if you ask me. Just recently we saw ‘Cold Fusion’ and ‘Rage of the Yeti’ from these guys with ‘Cold Fusion’ holding a special place in the B-movie chamber of my heart, and ‘Rage of the Yeti’… not so much. ‘Super Tanker’ is no ‘Cold Fusion’ as far as stupid entertainment goes, but it is more endearing than ‘Rage of the Yeti’ for whatever that’s worth.

Director Jeffrey Scott Lando does take his disaster movie super serious with everybody in this movie, except for Jacky Woo, walking around with mad-on looks on their faces and staring really hard at computer monitors. Super Serious kind of works here with Ice Ten being all dangerous and stuff with my main man Atanas Srebrev taking the Mad-On to dizzying heights of seriousness as the hardcore colonel. This cat does serious real good. Typically in a movie like this the acting is hit and miss, Ben Cross bringing his signature majestic seriousness to the numerous B-Movies he shows up in, and Callum Blue vacillating between sleepwalking through the movie or grossly overacting in it. It seems nobody in the movie could understand a word Jacky Woo was saying, so they just worked it in the script. Ingenious.

The special effects weren’t great, but along the lines of what we would expect in a movie such as this, the pacing was wildly inconsistent, the story was erratic at best but when ‘Super Tanker’ eventually makes it to the SyFy channel, it will qualify as one of the better movies that’s shown on that network. I mean it’s a SUPER Tanker. That’s worth something to us over here.

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