The opening sequence of this Sci-Fi action thriller ‘Cold Fusion’ had me a little concerned. You see it opened with some MIG fighter jets chasing a flying saucer and while the flying saucer, theoretically speaking, should be able to do anything it wants in relation to real world physics, MIG fighter jets have rules they have to follow. The filmmakers completely ignored these rules. Jets, especially in 1982 and probably never, shouldn’t be able to do any of those things they did. However my fears were unfounded, not because ‘Cold Fusion’ ever became a good movie or a competent movie but because ‘Cold Fusion’ consistently violated the rules of everything which made it a consistent movie. We appreciate that. Oh, and we liked this movie. A lot. Even though we probably shouldn’t have. At all.
When the opening credits rolled, we observed the name William Hope. What are that the chances William Hope will be playing a smarmy bureaucrat? How about 100%. We see Hope as Willis the American Bureaucrat, standing alongside Petrov the Ukrainian Colonel (Rustam Kasymov) as the two observe this awesome bomb they’ve created to decimate a pumpkin festival in Iowa. Trust me, they have their reasons. The thing is I’m not sure they ever told me what they were.
Investigating this explosion is top GUI agent… I don’t know what GUI stands for… Colonel Unger (Adrian Paul) who needs to get to the bottom of this, especially considering there’s no radiation signature for a bomb of this magnitude and no terrorist group has claimed responsibility. To make this happen he has pulled his in top contract agent Lila Body… that’s her name… as played by Sarah Brown who certainly does have a nice body. We saw Lila in action a little earlier round house kicking the stuffing out of a bunch of terrorist at the North Pole, and observing that sequence it’s pretty clear that Sarah Brown was cast in this role for her supreme athleticism if nothing else.
Unger has Lila meet up with his Russian contact, undercover agent Ekatarina Demodrova as played by actress Michelle Lee, and while Michelle Lee doesn’t really
look like somebody named Ekatarina Demodrova, we are completely good with that. Lila and Ekatarina have to infiltrate the Secret Facility to find out what the hell is going on, but to do that they have to go under cover as Exotic Dancers to get the Secret Key but to do that Ekatarina has to show Lila, in explicit detail, the real way Exotic Dancers dance. Either Michelle Lee is a really good actress or she’s done this before.
Meanwhile another radiation free mini-nuke has gone off somewhere in Russia and more have been strategically placed in critical locations in the Middle East. Our Exotic Dancers, after doing their Lesbian Exotic Dance thing to get the Secret Key… which was unnecessary since they ended up killing everybody at the club anyway, are back into Secret Agent Mode and have penetrated the enemy base. Note the website for this movie actually calls them ‘Penetration Agents’. Seriously. Anyway, that UFO we saw earlier? Well, it’s being used to make Cold Fusion Bombs! Oh HELL no!
Our heroines are really up against it. The bombs in the Middle East are seconds from going off which will destabilize the entire planet, Ukrainian Soldiers are everywhere and have the ladies cornered and the UFO is on the loose. Ah, don’t worry about the UFO. Forget I even it mentioned it.
So… ‘Cold Fusion’ has it issues, limitations and drawbacks. We can see this. A lot of issues are picked up and never revisited. For instance, Lila is setup on the helicopter trip to Kiev, somebody’s betrayed her, only Unger and Ekatarina are aware of her mission. Who betrayed her? Ah… forget about it. Some things should’ve never been introduced such as the extremely minor subplot involving Ekatarina and her husband which went nowhere or Lila and her double agent dead father. Some things are just flat odd, say like where in the hell did the alien that flew that flying saucer disappear to? We are told that the hull of the flying saucer is 1000 times stronger than titanium but yet it got blown out of the sky by a couple of random rockets. What in the hell was the Bureaucrat and the Colonel’s ultimate goal? Never figured that one out. What exactly is an Electoral Magnetic Pulse? How popular can a strip club be where all the women keep their underwear on? And where did that flying saucer float off too near the end? Plus the CGI looked like ass.
Clearly, ‘Cold Fusion’ has some issues as a work of cinema, so where did the entertainment come from? That would be Michelle Lee and Sarah Brown. These two women were electric in this movie. They’re both extremely athletic, they played off each other very well… which is a good thing considering that they had to tongue each other… for the mission that is... they looked completely at ease when given the task of kicking ass… Sarah Brown a little more than Michelle Lee, they looked completely at ease given the task of being exotic dancers… Michelle Lee a little more than Sarah Brown, they are both competent, if not great actresses, taking in consideration the kind of movie this is, and they were both a lot of fun to watch. Adrian Paul’s name might be above the title, but this was Ms. Brown and Ms Lee’s film and they carried this nonsense well.
And it is nonsense. Utter, unadulterated nonsense. Somewhere, for the last twenty years, there’s an alien running around the Russian countryside causing a ruckus, but we don’t care. Because if for some unknown reason somebody decided to send Agents Body and Demodrava on another mission, or better yet gave them their own TV show on Cinemax, we’d watch. Hell yeah.