Talk about a ‘throwback’ my friends! I’m talking about the days when Sci-Fi Channel movies were really terrible and worthless. While recent Sci-Fi channel originals haven’t been anything that I don’t think anyone would call ‘good’, they have been oddly competent, or at the very least incompetent to the point of being marginally entertaining. We’re looking squarely at you ‘Mega-Piranha’. But this one here, ‘Dinocroc vs. Supergator’? It harkens back to the glory days of ‘Boa vs. Python’, ‘Raptor Island’, ‘Pterodactyl’ or ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’. We’re talking movies so spectacularly bad that they have spawned a generation of folks with no filmmaking ability, after seeing those movies, coming to the realization that they could be filmmakers too. If only Roger Corman Enterprises could’ve rounded up Coolio, Lorenzo Lamas, Costas Mandylor and Corin Nemec for ‘Dinocroc vs. Supergator’ than this would’ve been like class reunion time all over again.
I’ll say one thing about this movie in that it doesn’t take much time to get started. The opening scene featured a bunch of scientist running in terror because Supergator, I guess, is free. Mind you supergator is as big as a school bus and can run a forty yard dash in 1.2 seconds so I’m thinking the best course of action to avoid supergator wouldn’t be running around in an open field but maybe hiding under a table in a lab, but that’s just me. Supergator eats these idiots. But wait, it gets worse because Dinocroc is free too and he eats the other scientist that Supergator couldn’t get to, except for the lead scientist Dr. Kimberly Taft (Delia Sheppard). Last time we saw Delia Sheppard in a movie she was a mad scientist trying to make a concoction to help vampires day walk and here she is again completely messing up the equilibrium of the universe.
Why are there supersized crocs and gators running around this tropical island eating people? Hmmm… it has something to do with evil developer Jason Drake (the late David Carradine) wanting to create… hell… beats me. I know it started with giant mushrooms but he wants to cure cancer and apparently to cure cancer you need giant mutated crocs and gators. Who knew? Investigating Drake is Government eco spy Paul Beaumont (Corey Landis), because apparently Drake is using our precious tax dollars to create these mutated crocs, and along the way Beaumont picks up super tall, inappropriately dressed Parks and Recreations officer Cassidy Swanson (Amy Rassimas) as they prepare to figure out what the hell is going on.
To cover his tracks first Drake dispatches the worlds most pathetic team of Soldiers of Fortune to take out his creations, a squad of eight who only manages to take out one silly scientist, but with that failing miserably he dispatches his sizzling hot British ‘clean-up woman’ Victoria (Auerelia Parsons) to ‘call the Cajun (Rib Hillis)’.
By this time Supergator and Dinocroc are completely out control eating everybody and everything with the only thing standing in the way of stopping these beasts are our government eco spy, his tall inappropriately dressed love interest, The Cajun and the knowledge that apparently mutated crocs and gators hate each other. This I did not know.
Yes… yes… ‘Supergator vs. Dinocroc’ is awful. Come on… we knew this going in so trashing this movie would pointless and a little mean. What we are going to do is focus on the awesome. Take for instance the woman that cleans up the mess and closes the
loose ends. She totally sucks at her job. So the Doctor who started these experiments is in the hospital and tells EVERYBODY, including the clean up woman, EVERYTHING that Drake was doing illegal. After she finishes her detailed story NOW the ‘clean up woman’ decides to kill her. Girlfriend… come on… we gotta do better than that.
While the gator and the croc were some seriously suspect CG creatures, and while the final croc v gator showdown sucked total ass, we did appreciate the fact that they ate everybody and at no time did they ever get full. Apparently people just aren’t that filling. David Carradine is in this movie. I would say it’s his last movie but apparently before he left this rock Mr. Carradine was in the middle of filming a good fifteen or so movies so we will be seeing David Carradine popping up in movies for years to come. David Carradine will be the Tupac of movie actors. You like women in bikinis? There are lots of women in bikinis in this movie and they all get eaten. Sweet.
There’s other wonderful things in this movie like… well… other things, but if had to find a critical, unforgivable fault it’s just that the bad guy, the late David Carradine, didn’t get eaten by either the Supergator or the Dinocroc. What’s up with that? He died of a freaking heart attack running like a sissy from the FBI. Don’t the people who make these movies watch these movies? The bad guy needs to get eaten by the monster he created or funded. That’s monster movie 101 right there. How disappointing. That’s almost a deal breaker.
But if you can get that obvious faux pas and don’t mind bad CGI, poor acting, way too much dialog, a movie that takes itself far too seriously and the unforgivable absence of Coolio then gosh darnit, have we got a movie for you.