OMFG.  I can’t cuss in these reviews anymore since the incident I wrote about earlier with my little eleven year old offspring, but after sitting through a WHOPPING 110 minutes worth of ‘Species III’, avoiding a lapse into a profanity laced tirade won’t be an easy thing.  I mean seriously, ‘Species III’ was so f…, like this flick was total bulls….  Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought.  I can use Ass and Damn though right?  I think I’ve heard Joel Osteen use Ass and Damn in his sermons if I’m not mistaken, so those words must be okay.  Damn this movie sucked ass.  Hell, they could have named this movie ‘Ass of the Damned’ just as a warning to those who dared pick it up off the video store shelves.

I would like to tell you that ‘Species III’ picked up where ‘Species II’ left off, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen ‘Species II’, I’d be lying to you.  But wherever it picks up, Natasha Henstridge has returned in cameo form as Eve, all shot up and being transported somewhere to parts unknown by the military.  As you might imagine, transporting around an alien carcass might be a fairly big deal and as such you would imagine, the military has this little operation on total lockdown, but then, you’d be imagining.  My first concern was that there are two Army Privates transporting the dead alien, but the driver looked like he was about 48 years old.  Now either dude has had some serious trouble getting promoted, or he isn’t an Army Private.  Turns out this cat is Dr. Abbot (Robert Knepper), a college professor who wants to preserve the alien species.  How this college prof managed to penetrate a top secret, highly classified, intensely fortified military operation as a 48 year old Private is beyond me.  Dr. Abbot manages to get the truck off the road, but from nowhere comes this freaky humanoid alien boy who kills the other army dude.  Suddenly, Eve comes back to life and begins to give birth to a baby while the freaky alien boy strangles Eve, which as it turns out in hindsight, is a really stupid thing to do.  The baby is born, Dr. Abbott runs off with it, and the military FINALLY shows up. 

Now we meet young graduate student Dean (Robin Dunne) who is creating some kind of cold fusion energy chamber as his grad student thesis.  Dean is also apparently a Bio Geneticist, as well as a nuclear physiologist as producers of this film either don’t know, or simply don’t care that these are two disciplines that have absolutely no relation to each other.  Or maybe Dean is just a super genius.  For some reason, Dr. Abbott has decided to bring Dean in on the whole alien caper deal… Good lord this is hard… Okay, here it is.  in just about a weeks time the baby has grown up into a hot naked blonde named Sarah (Sunny Mabry).  Somehow, the world now has a bunch of halfbreed aliens who are dying because they have no immune system and they need Sarah to do ‘something’ since she can save them because she’s a generation 3 alien.  There’s another hot naked alien named Amelia (Amelia Cook) who drives a Ferrari, and wants ‘something’ as well, likes to screw, kill and kill.  Dean and his roommate who I haven’t mentioned because… Okay, that’s the best I can do.

I seriously thought ‘Decoys 2’ would spend some serious time in the Garbage Corner’ but alas it could only last a week.  It would appear, that the original ‘Species’ has closed the door and the Hot Alien who Needs To Mate genre.  There are so many things wrong with ‘Species III’ that there’s nowhere to actually start to begin poking at it.  One problem, the half breed aliens needs the baby born to Eve to do something to survive, so why do they kill her?  Maybe they should have kept her alive and had her just birthing babies like crazy since it’s her babies that are supposed to help them survive.  Why is Dean a Nuclear Fusion expert?  Because he needs access to this big fiery reactor that will serve some purpose at the end of the movie.   Why is this movie SO FREAKING LONG?  Because the filmmakers hate me, that’s why.  It’s good to see Lew Alcindor’s point guard while he was at UCLA, Michael Warren, working again, but he couldn’t help this garbage either.  He played the government agency head in charge of rounding up the alien menace.  Now, if these aliens find a way to mate, we lowly Homosapiens are pretty much done for.  So instead of bringing in the best the military has to offer to track down these aliens and thus preserve the human race, this government agency head brings in… Dean the bio nuclear physiologist psychologist grad student.  I am assuming they ran out of military extra budget in this film. 

There was nothing good about this movie even a little bit.  Okay, it had naked women.  But this was so poor, that I was actually feeling sorry for the poor girls who had to lower themselves by showing skin in this mess.  It made me cry for them, and as such I received almost no enjoyment watching them bounce around nude.  Almost.