Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

If there was a movie that I thought would have had a better sequel than the original, ‘Decoys’ would have been it.  The first ‘Decoys’ film wasn’t that great, but it did have some major hotties, was reasonably well directed, possessed decent special effects,  had some of the worst dialog ever, and was definitely poorly acted.  So in my obviously misguided mind, a sequel to that film, some three years later no less, would have even more hotties, be better directed, have better scripting and dialog, more spectacular effects and be way better acted.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  With the possible exception of… well… a few more tits, ‘Decoys 2: Alien Seduction’ had absolutely none of the ‘charm’ of the original film an actually built upon the flaws of the first movie.

Things started off poorly from hello.  The first scene featured an alien hottie making out with some guy in a car until they are interrupted by the police.  The cop quizzes them, leaves, then the tentacles come out.  This very first scene lacked any kind of pace, timing, or wit, felt forced and uncomfortable and even the tentacles looked more fake than the ones they used three years ago. 

Soon we’re reintroduced to Luke (Corey Sevier) who we thought had bit it in the first film.  Why he’s not dead is explained away by through some hokum by alien hottie Constance (Kim Porier) who I would have sworn exploded in the first film too.  Why she’s not dead is never quite explained, other than the fact she has the cutest set of dimples and actually agreed to reprise the role.  Luke is now a manic depressive Graduate Assistant who sees aliens virtually everywhere while Constance is now some kind of doctor at the hospital who simply walks around watching Luke.

The heart of the sequel, and the reason this movie sucks so bad are the college boys, the actors that play them, and any sequences that they are involved in.  The characters that screenwriter and producer of this garbage that Tom Berry has created aren’t characters at all, merely caricatures of what I’m guessing he thinks how horny college boys behave.  Yeah, college boys may be horny beasts, but they are still human beings who talk relatively normally, behave like normal people and act like normal people.  These kids act like someone with a really bad and somewhat vague memory of the characters from ‘Animal House’.  The actors from the first movie were certainly thespian challenged, but they come off looking members of the Royal Shakespearean Academy compared to these poor clowns.  Even the alien chicks in this new film are a step down from the first film, not even coming close to the charm and magnetism of Steffie Von Pfetten and Kim Porier, who were the best things going for the original Decoys.  They were more willing to show us their breast though, which I suppose counts for something.

Keeping ‘Decoys 2’ from being a complete and total loss were popups in the cast by Tobin Bell as a Biology professor, and Dina Meyer as Luke’s therapist.  Mr. Bell, who we all know from the ‘Saw’ series of films, has to have been in close to ten thousand films by now and is a fine actor even given the limited amount he was required to do in this film, and Ms. Meyer is still one fine looking woman no matter how old she may get.  Maybe forty IS the new thirty.  I sure hope so since I’m quickly approaching the ‘new thirty’.

‘Decoys 2’ had fewer laughs, fewer scares, fewer hotties and was crappier in everyway to a movie that wasn’t very good to begin with.  What’s worse is that they set us up with ending that leads all of to tragically believe there will be a ‘Decoys 3’ coming down the pike in the near future.  If that isn’t something that will make you lose sleep at night, then I don’t know what will.  God help us all.

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