It's a little disturbing actually as a couple
of friends of mine, within hours of each other, heard of this
movie's existence, 'Sharknado' and both felt the need to reach
out to me and educate me. They have no intentions of
watching this movie, just wanted to let me know so I wouldn't
miss it. This makes me sad. They didn't let me
know when 'Salmon Fishing on the Yemen' came out or 'The Kite
Runner', I mean I do watch legitimate movies… but this… this
is what I am ultimately associated with. Damn.
Where to start? Somewhere off the coast of the Mexico
there are sharks in the water. A lot of them.
There are more sharks in these waters than plankton.
Next thing you know, there's a storm throwing sharks all over
the place. This isn't a good thing.
Moving along, we get to hang out at the bar of Fin (Ian
Ziering), the retired hotshot surfing legend and Fin is a
little concerned at the storm looming off the coast of his
bar. Just mere minutes ago Fin and his boy Baz (Jaason
Simmons) survived a vicious attack of sharks that ate a very
pretty surfer lady, and a bunch of other people for that
matter, but to be honest nobody really cares about those dead
people as life moves on as usual. At least until
sharks start flying into the windows of Fin's club. Now
the thing about these sharks… I'm thinking, even if I'm a
bloodthirsty man-eater, I'd be far more concerned about trying
to find a way to get my ass back in the water as opposed to
flopping around the floor of a bar and trying to eat
people. But who am I to question the motivation of
Now Fin, his boy Baz, his finely
formed barmaid Nova (Cassie Scerbo) and bar drunk George (John
Heard?) have to make a run for it. The run they are
making is towards Fin's ex-wife's house so he can save his
daughter. After meeting the hateful April (Tara Reid)
who is the wife, and the disturbed Claudia
(Aubrey Peeples) who is the daughter, they probably would've
been better off dead. At least for the audience.
Say like when Fin wanted to save a busload of school kids and
this ex-wife chastised him for being a selfish bastard.
What we haven't seen yet, however, is a sharknado. I
mean there are sharks all over the place, flopping around on
the streets, trying to chew their way through cars and doing
all kinds of other stuff that a shark out of water probably
wouldn't do, but where's the sharnado!
Relax bro… it's coming. First we have to scoop up Fin's
helicopter pilot son Matt (Chuck Hittinger), his ability to
fly a helicopter being one of the critical 'come in handy'
type skills that people in these movies tend to have… because
the SHARKNADO IS A COMING!!! We're talking tornadoes
filled with sharks! The hell you say! I kid you
not my friends. And what's the best way to deal with a
tornado filled with sharks? Uh… a chainsaw?
Duh. Roll credits.
Hmmm…. 'Sharknado'. What do you want to bet that they
had a title for this long before they had a script? In
fact, me and another friend were thinking this just might be
the best title for a Sci-Fi channel original ever, but then we
remembered 'Mansquito' which is still the king of wacky movie
titles. And a better movie. Now this isn't to say
that director Anthony C. Ferrante's 'Sharknado' is a bad
movie… well, okay… it is a bad movie, but it is a movie about
sharks in tornadoes so it really has little option but to be a
bad movie, but this isn't to say that it lacks entertainment
We were concerned early on as 'Sharknado' started to resemble
The Asylum's previous disaster movie, the awful '500 MPH
Storm' which consisted of almost entirely people driving
or running away from weather phenomena, and we were getting a
lot that early as Ian Ziering and his people were running from
weather phenomena, albeit phenomena with sharks swimming in
the streets of Los Angeles, and that was kind of boring.
Plus they were bitching at each other, drawing in horrible
family melodrama into the movie, which had me doubly
concerned. But around the time Fin decided to save that
school bus full of children, this movie launched itself into
being the complete and total bag of lunacy that I knew it
Normally at this juncture in my article I would single out
specific examples of lunacy in this film, but that's pointless
because the entire movie is pure, unadulterated lunacy.
Once the storyteller has established that sharks whirl around
in tornadoes, flying through the air, seemingly able to live
quite easily without the assistance of water while still
maintaining their voracious appetites, clearly all bets are
Are we going to discuss the performances? No we are
not! How can you act against sharks in tornados?
You can't, you just roll with it. We will mention that
John Heard looked to be drunk for real and that while Tara
Reid has seen better days, she still doesn't look old enough
to be the mother two adult children.
Is Sharknado a good movie? You know it's not, that's a
silly question. But since it's become a bit of a
national phenomenon, people are going to watch who are aren't
used to this kind of stuff. I feel sorry them as they
will be shocked at its horrificness. But we vets
know quality trash when we see it, and as it turns out,
'Sharknado' is high quality garbage. And I've never seen
'Salmon Fishing in Yemen' and never will, and I'd walk through
molten broken glass to watch a movie called 'Sharknado', but I
do watch real movies! On occasion.