Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

‘Psycho Shark’ begins with some Blair Witch-esque home video footage of a pair of very lovely young Japanese women playing on the beach in their bikinis. They have large breasts. I’m thinking, inappropriately so, that what joy it will be when they take those bikinis off. There’s no joy for me in ‘Psycho Shark’. Period. No nudity, no entertainment and would you believe that there’s no shark? Okay, so that’s not completely true… but mostly true. Anyway, soon these two boobalicious Japanese chicks are joined by their third friend who was holding the camera, a young woman who is unique in this film in that she is the only woman in this movie who has small breasts, but she is pretty. Obviously we won’t be seeing her non-existent breasts either. I wonder whose holding that video camera now? Cut to an eyeball looking out the window in the darkness.

Now we get to meet the lovely Miki (Nonami Takizawa) and her best friend, the equally lovely Mai (Airi Nakajima). They both have large breast, especially Miki. It’s a wonder she can stay upright for extended periods of times. I should stop commenting on the size of these women’s breasts because this may prompt you to want to see this, and I don’t want you to do that.

Miki and Mai are riding in the back of a pickup, like forever, towards their beach destination talking about all the fun things they are going to do. Like Forever. They get to the beach where director John Hijiri frames an interesting shot that is focused on the shadows the women cast on the sand while talking to the Hotel Manager, then he stays focused on the sand long after these three have left the scene. I didn’t get the symbolism of that one.

They get to the hotel, talk about the fun things they are going to do some more, Miki changes into her bikini, under a towel, in her hotel room because I guess she doesn’t want her friend Mai to see her naked? I guess? They talk about the fun things they are

going to do on the beach some more, play in the sand a little bit, and then Mai takes a shower. Mai takes this shower in her bikini, which we admit is odd. She had to clean under one of her bikini straps and lifts this strap slightly up to clean her titty. How much easier this would’ve been if she was simply naked. It’s the equivalent of a man taking a shower in his jockstrap, then pulling the cup portion to the side to get some soap under the nuts. That’s something that normally wouldn’t happen.

Around the forty minute mark of this very brief film we finally have a shark sighting. Or at least a fin sighting. But then not really because one of our characters simply dreamed this fin. Now I’m seriously wondering why director John Hijiri hates me. Truly, I’ve done nothing to the man. Though we haven’t seen a shark yet we do see a psycho in Kenji the Playa Hata. Apparently this handsome dude likes to seduce stupid, breastiful Japanese women and stab them. Kenji is romancing Mai while Miki is watching the videotape of the three women we saw earlier, video we’ve seen already. So where do you think we’re spending our time? That’s right, watching Miki watch video that we’ve seen already. Every once in a while she will go to sleep, bored to death watching this video, because the video does SUCK, but then she’d wake up and watch some more and force us to watch it with her. I feel better now. You see, I know now that it’s not personal because director John Hijiri doesn’t just hate me, but he hates you too.

Still no shark but at least now we get to the best part of the movie, and that would be the part when Miki has to ‘sprint’ across the beach to save her friend. If ever there was a woman that wasn’t built for speed, that woman is Nonami Takizawa. This really looked like it was the first time the girl ever had to run anywhere, because I know if I saw her walking down the street, I’d offer her a ride. I’ve seen dead people move faster, not that it still wasn’t fun to watch. So she has to save her friend from the psycho, the movie is all but over and we still haven’t seen a shark.

There goes the shark. In all of its ‘glory’. Roll credits.

First I saw ‘Birdemic’ and now ‘Psycho Shark’. No sir, ‘Psycho Shark’ isn’t as bad as ‘Birdemic’ because a feature film on the history of flatulence would be better than ‘Birdemic’, but like ‘Birdemic’ we have a film about a violent beast that doesn’t show up until way late in the movie. To be honest there’s not much more to say. Yes, overdeveloped Japanese women in bikinis is nice, but despite our objections to the exploitation of women in movies, overdeveloped Japanese women out of their bikinis would’ve been a lot nicer. But director John Hijiri knows we want to see this and the only purpose of him making this movie, as far as I can tell, is to give us nothing we could possibly want in a movie.

He has succeeded.