Holy shit. I had heard the stories, but I didn’t listen. I was warned, but the warnings fell upon deaf ears. People who don’t even know me showed enough concern for me to beg me not to do this, but I ignored them. I watched ‘Birdemic: Shock and Terror’. They said it was bad movie, but so what, I’ve seen bad movies before. Bad movies are helping me feed my kids so please… get out of here with that bullshit. It is prideful hubris just like that which is responsible for a lot the pain that we are suffering in this world today. They told me, I didn’t listen. I was not prepared.
It’s a sunny day in San Jose California as Rod (Alan Bagh) drives through town. Forever. I should’ve opened with ‘birds are killing people for no reason’ but that is not going to happen for a very, very long time. Rod goes to lunch… actually… Rod parks his car, walks down the sidewalk for a while, opens the diner door, casually takes a seat and then gets a menu. Rod sees a girl he recognized from high school named Nathalie (Whitney Moore) who is now a Victoria’s Secret model. Rod stalks her into eventually falling in love with him, but that’s a little down the line. In the meantime we will watch Rod go home, watch Rod eat breakfast, watch Rod watch the news, watch Rod get into his car and drive… again… watch Rod fill up his tank. We will watch Rod go to work and observe as Oracle corp. buys his company and he will watch the employees clap. And clap. And clap. Jesus please… make them stop clapping.
Twenty minutes in, this is what I have seen so far. I pause the movie because at this point it is clear that I will not be able to continue on without assistance. I consult with my good friend Hennessey and pour myself a stiff one and resume the task at hand. Upon our return we witness the lengthy courtship process between Rod and Nathalie. They go out to dinner, they talk on the phone, they double date, they walk on the beach, they look at a 1500 pound pumpkin, they do the robot… Note that director James Nguyen didn’t bother to buy a windscreen for his microphone, and I am assuming he was using a microphone, so it would help you to enjoy the sounds of hiss, pops, dead space followed by loud hissing sounds followed by dead space.
It is clear at this point that I will need further assistance and I retreat to get myself another drink. My wife asks me why I’m drinking so much to which I snap back with ‘IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU BITCH!!!’ You know, I’ve never spoken to her in that way before. Birdemic has essentially destroyed my marriage. My life in tatters, I soldier on.
At the forty minute mark Rod and Nathalie find a dead bird on the beach. FINALLY, a bird. At the 47 minute mark Rod and Nathalie have courted long enough to warrant them having sex. During this sex act the birds finally attack. Now… and this is the best scene in the movie… The kawing birds wake up Nathalie who gets out of the bed at the motel. Why they were at a motel when they are both single and have homes is beyond me, but they are at the motel. What makes this scene so awesome is that apparently these two have just had sex and Nathalie is wearing her underwear. That’s a little odd but Rod is in bed wearing his Hagar slacks, black wife beater and Hush Puppies. Best scene in the movie.
Unfortunately there are no words in my vocabulary to describe the bird attacks. There are actually no words in my vocabulary to describe anything that I have seen. As the birds attack Rod and Nathalie make the acquaintance of a couple of fellow motel sexers. A scene follows that features our four motel sexers doing battle with ‘the birds’ using wire coat hangers. I wish I could describe it, but I can’t. The good thing is that the guy that they met had the good sense to have a couple machine guns in his Ford Aerostar. How Fortuitous. Eventually they pick up a couple of kids who really, really like Happy Meals.
About this time there’s a knock on my door. It’s my two brother-in-laws wondering why I made their sister cry. I can kick both of their asses. Separately. They fuck me up pretty good. With cracked ribs and bleeding from my ears I continue with this movie. About the time they meet The Tree Hugger and the mountain lion… after the birds shit acid on machine gun dude… I start to experience chest pains. Dear God… no. If I die right now, Birdemic will be the last movie I have ever seen… Please God… don’t do this to me.
I don’t know about your God but my God is an Awesome God and He let me live. I finish the movie, call my wife and force her to watch the movie which made everything crystal clear. Borderline spousal abuse I know, but it had to be done. All is right in the world once again.
There are no words to adequately describe this… thing. The worst movie on this sight from day one has always been ‘Vampire Assassin’. We have chimed in on some really bad movies but nothing has come close to ‘Vampire Assassin’. Until today. I didn’t even know movies like this could secure distribution anymore. In the mid 90’s York Entertainment used to release these shot on VHS movies to the public but I thought those days were over. Because of the current technology it’s almost impossible to make a movie like this today. You need to not know jack-shit about filmmaking to pull this off. There is nothing on the planet Earth worst than ‘Birdemic’ but… it is popular. ‘Birdemic’ has become the William Hung of movies.
We here at the FCU make it a point to never be mean-spirited or cruel when talking about these movies and this will be no exception. If a movie sucks, it sucks. It’s not personal. Director James Nguyen is probably a great guy and I’d like to have a beer him sometime. He has to be a solid dude because he cast people in his movie who can’t remotely act, even a little bit, and he probably did this because they are his friends. That’s solid. However the fact remains. Watch this movie and it may ruin your marriage and put you in cardiac arrest. I was not prepared.