Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

This… was the director’s cut?  I mean, this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.  It’s worse than ‘Preachin’ to the Sistas’, it’s worse than ‘Ice Grill’, it’s worse than ‘I got the Hook Up’… Twenty or so years ago, I saw a cheap videotaped movie called ‘Black Devil Doll from Hell’ which was about this evil African American ventriloquist dummy who sexually assaults somebody’s granny for 80 minutes, and this was, inexplicably, worse than that.  This (and I’m trying to make through this review without using any profanity) was some fucking bullshit! (oh well). 

So I have this TV show called Totally Twisted Flix, which comes on Colours TV, which is on channel 9376 on your Dish Network dial, and I’m looking for some nice Direct to Video fare to review for my show.  Bringing up my Netflix cue ‘Lust for Dracula’ pops up, which seems ideal for what I’m looking for.  A cheesy, sexy horror romp that can we have a little fun poking at it.  One of the reasons I prefer Netflix over the other online services is that you can get some real risky stuff on Netflix.  After they sent the uncut version of ‘Emmanuelle in America’ to my door, I was confident that as long as it isn’t squarely in the hardcore porn genre, Netflix would probably have a copy of it.  The downside to this arrived to my door in the guise of this movie called ‘Lust for Dracula’, which for all intense and purposes was a lesbian porn flick.  Porn usually comes in two flavors; the story porn in which bad actors are put in situations like a ‘real’ movie, with hardcore sex jammed in between poorly acted scenes, and then there's 'get down to it'porn which has no story and just has a lot of extremely graphic sex.  Damn if this shite didn’t go middle of the road on us and pretend to have a little story with horrid acting, with a lot of rather graphic girl on girl action.

I can’t give you a description of the film, because I don’t what it’s about.  I even went to the DVD extras to watch an interview with star Misty Mundae to get some kind of revelation, but even SHE didn’t know what it was about, and she said as much.  The young women in ‘Lust for Dracula’ weren’t that good looking, which made me sad.  Not because I wanted to see hot girls embarrass themselves, fingering each other for eighty five minutes or so, but because I can almost guarantee you that these poor things who are from small towns in Iowa, Kansas, Utah or North Dakota, came out to Hollywood to make a name for themselves, only to find themselves with their faces buried in another poor girl’s crotch from Arkansas or Nebraska.  It just makes me sad. 

But the thing that REALLY pisses me off is that I can’t use this movie for my show.  I generally don’t have a real problem with pornography as long as it is labeled as such, but ‘Lust for Dracula’ WAS pornography in my book, only without erections, and Colours TV will not allow me to review pornography on my show.  THIS means, that I watched this awful, awful film, with absolutely no end gain for me.  It always comes back to me.  I was thinking maybe I could use the trailer that is on the rather jam packed DVD that Surrender Cinema provided, but because everybody was naked in this movie almost ALL THE TIME, the trailer cutter could not find enough material to stitch together a trailer without putting at least some naked people in it.  So when I watch a movie, like the truly putrid ‘Species III’, I’m good with that time spent because I can use it for my television show, but I can’t do anything with this. 

But it gets worse.  Not the movie, because it’s as bad as it can get, but my life in relation to this movie.  So I just got me a new projector to replace my trusted Infocus X1, and this new Philips 1000 Watt surround sound hookup with an HDMI upsampler, USB input, DIVX compatibility, a dock for my Gogear, or an IPOD if that’s the way you roll MP3, dude this thing is loaded.  I hooked it all up and thought that this ‘Lust for Dracula’ may as well be the first film to watch since it’s here.  People, I had to watch this thing on a 96 inch screen, with pristine 5.1 Audio, upsampled to 1080i resolution.  Folks, this is akin to eating rotten French fries on Mikasa china. 

Anyways, we’ve said enough here.  There is absolutely nothing even remotely good to recommend about this movie, and this was the ‘Director’s Cut’.  Well director Tony Marsiglia, you may want to go ahead a let that dude on staff cut the next one.  Please.

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