I try to be a little witty and have fun with these movies I watch for you my friends, you know? Yes, I do this all for you. But to make that happen it’s a two way street. You see, to have fun with a movie, it has to have stuff in it that’s fun to talk about. We would like every movie we watch for you to be great and then we’ll just have fun basking in the greatness of said movie, but that’s rarely the case. Thus when watching a movie that’s less than great, we look for other stuff like suspect acting, or a plot that is wildly inconsistent or boom mics in the frame, or Lee Majors sightings or anything. Anything. I mention this because the Sci-Fi Channel original ‘Doomsday Prophecy’ is giving me nothing. Absolutely nothing. Thus here I am, stuck just telling you about slightly sub mediocre disaster movie that wasn’t nearly good enough to be good or even close to being bad enough to be enjoyable.
The planet earth is falling apart at the seams, just like modern Nostradamus Rupert Crane (Michael Walker) said it would. Why is this happening? More on that later, but know that Crane has written his latest, greatest conspiracy book and made a special request that lowly New York City based book editor Eric Fox (A.J. Buckley) make the special trip to somewhere in Canada to pick it up. Also, Crane has requested the presence of archeologist Dr. Brooke Calvin (Jewel Staite) who has all these mad archeological skills which will come in handy real soon. Unfortunately, by the time Brooke and Eric make to Crane’s cabin, he’s all dead and stuff. But he did leave a videotape for these kids to watch and for Eric he left a magic stick. And Manhattan is gone. Just like Bulgaria and Italy.
Apparently there’s a Dark Star on the edge of galaxy causing a ruckus and sucking stuff up. Like Jupiter. I don’t know much about astronomy and the galaxies, but I think the other planets in our galaxy are kind of important and if they aren’t there anymore, even if we survive at the end of this movie, we will have some problems to deal with. But that’s not really here nor there my friends, because the government, led by crazed
General Slate (Alan Dale) wants Eric’s Magic Stick. This Magic stick allows Eric, just like it allowed Crane, to see fragments of the future, though it causes him great personal pain. But it’s up to Erick and Brooke to put these fragments together to form a solution because the Dark Star is on its to finish sucking up our galaxy.
What we need right now is wise old Indian dude. And there one goes! He knows all about mystical stuff like the Magic Stick… I mean he’s a Native American right? Brooke knows about the Indian markings on the rock, Eric knows how to use the Magic Stick a little bit and now they think they have a solution on how to save the planet. It has something to do with those weird statues on Easter Island, though it would’ve been nice if those jerks that put that defense system in place had left an instruction manual or something, as opposed to physiology wrecking magic sticks.
Great. The world is about to saved, and not a moment too soon because the Cosmic Dark Star is somewhere around Chicago. Outstanding. What we don’t need is a magic stick hoarding general looking for a new world order. That… we don’t need.
We would like to make fun of ‘Doomsday Prophecy’, directed by Jason Borque who also crafted another little disaster movie I liked more than this one called ‘Termination Point’ a few years back, but We can’t make fun of ‘Doomsday Prophecy’. The science in ‘Doomsday Prophecy’ is wacky and unbelievable, but because our characters believed in it so seriously, and because the filmmakers were consistent with its wackiness, there’s no fun to be had with making fun of it. We can’t make fun of the performances because A.J Buckley and Jewel Staite are fine actors, and they took this project as seriously as the fake science took this project seriously. Even the supporting actors were up for the task, Bruce Ramsey as the agent charged with finding our rouge stick snatchers, or the crazy general, or the wacky soothsayer who did all his scenes via mini DV camcorder. You can’t make fun of them.
But if only the movie were better. If only it moved a little faster. If only director Borque could’ve made the characters these solid actors were playing more interesting. If only I had felt a greater sense of urgency surrounding the impending destruction of the universe by that dick of a Dark Star. If only…
The Sci-Fi Channel has shown a lot worse movies than ‘Doomsday Prophecy’, believe that. Say like the movie they rebroadcast after this one went off in ‘Super Eruption’, but while this movie was way better than Super Eruption, all things considered, ‘Super Eruption’ was way dumber which it more enjoyable to sit through. If that makes any kind of sense. Or the movie they kept advertising during this film, ‘Megashark vs. Crocosaurus’. Stupidity Personified. This was competent tedium. I tend to lean towards the stupid on most things.