Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I can’t even begin to tell you what’s the deal with this movie, ‘The Thirst: Blood Wars’. We could start off by quizzing somebody at MTI home video about the title of this thing, which I’m guessing is suppose to be a sequel of sorts to the movie ‘The Thirst’ but as far as I can tell this has nothing to do with that first movie. Now I’m used to Straight to DVD movies changing their titles to somewhat popular theatrical movies that have nothing to do with the original, say like 8mm 2 for instance, but naming your unrelated Straight to DVD sequel after another Straight to DVD movie, one that really wasn’t all that good in the first place? Peculiar indeed. Then there’s the box cover which also has nothing to do with the movie inside the box. I’m going to use what I think was the box cover crafted by the films creators as opposed to the MTI Photoshop department box cover because at least the original box cover does make some sense, but the woman on the retail cover art isn’t even in the movie and I don’t recall anybody in masks carrying guns in the movie either. Plus we don’t understand the reasoning behind drawing a fake hottie to be on the cover when this movie has a 100% legitimate living and breathing hottie in this movie in America Olivio, but then who the hell am I to tell these people how to run their business? Nobody, that’s who. And where the hell was the ‘War’ in this movie? I didn’t see no damn War!

Somewhere in this town there is a coven of vampires led by super smooth Julien (Tony Todd). It seems Julian’s time is coming to an end and he needs a replacement as is advised by his equivalent to Condoleezza Rice, the witch Amelia (Olivio). Except I’m sure George Bush never slapped the shit out of Condi for giving him bad information. Except maybe during that whole WMD thing. So Julien has a right hand man in Claudius (Jason Connery) who has been waiting for Julien to do whatever old vampires past their prime do, but Claudius is not in the favor of the witch Amelia which isn’t good for his chances to lead.

Across town we have the super geeky Will (A.J. Draven) and his best buddy Rico (Owiso Odera). We might mention that Rico wears fatigues every freaking day at school because we are told he’s in ‘ROTC’ but I think, if I remember correctly, that ROTC students can wear regular clothes if they so please, except on ROTC day. So Will has the hots for Jayne (Allison Lange – who is also hot enough to bump the fake hottie on the box cover) and Jayne is lusting for the geek and eventually the geek overcomes his shyness and finally get up in them drawers. Problem is that the school resident asshole Darren (Cameron Zeidler) wants Jayne as well, despite the fact Jayne doesn’t want him. Not that Darren cares because in the midst of attempting to rape Jayne he says ‘I know where you women hide it, and I’m going to take it!’. Outstanding. Plus Darren has superpowers. We’re not even going to get into that.

So something happens along the way which makes our geek the chosen one to succeed Julien, one of these things being that he’s been bitten by the witch Amelia. But all Will wants to do is sex up his new girlfriend and be normal, despite the fact he’s suddenly rocking delta guns, has abs of steel, has an aversion to sunlight and a hunger that food can’t seem to cure. Unfortunately circumstance has made the ‘fledgling’ the center of the vampire world at this time and with Claudius ready to kill him on one side and the magical Sentry’s ready to kill him and all vampires on the other side, what’s a geek with a devastating new six pack to do?

The main problem with this movie ‘Bloodwars’ is that it’s dreadfully dull. I know it’s a movie with a limited budget and getting Tony Todd, Jason Connery and C. Thomas Howell, who puts in a really silly cameo, to show up in your film probably blew the already meager budget, but I’m thinking it could’ve been a little more thrilling than it probably was, especially considering that this movie had some kung-fu fighting in it which was reasonably well presented. However kung-fu fighting and stunt dudes cost money, and words are cheap, so we got a lot of talking in this movie. I mean a lot. Vampires drone on and on about this and that, our old teenagers drone on and on about that and this, and then by the time the Sentry’s make an appearance, the dudes who I guess provide the ‘War’ section in the ‘Blood’, they end up talking the most. This here is the C-Span of vampire movies. Lestat was wishing the guys would shut the F@*k up.

Now I don’t know anything about making movies, and I don’t know if this movie is going to garner enough renters to warrant another one even though it is setup to be that way, but like I said the kung-fu fighting in the movie wasn’t so bad. For the next one, since we don’t have to pay for Tony Todd, C-Tom or Jason Connery again… Uh, that’s not a spoiler because I’ve been given the 411 that they’ll be busy making other low budget movies that week... let’s just focus on the Kung-Fu Vampires. This is something that really hasn’t been done in an American movie unless you count ‘Blade’. Obviously A.J. Draven knows martial arts, so just have ass kicking vampire action from the first frame to the last. And I’m thinking A.J. Draven will probably be available for a sequel, just like most of the cast will be available with the exception of probably America Olivio. But then how difficult can it be to find a hot, full figured woman who wants to be an actress? No, that movie probably won’t be any good either, at least in the classic sense of good, but it also won’t be as boring ‘The Thirst: Blood Wars’ was. And that’s almost a guarantee.

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