Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So I gotta say something about this movie, Frank Henenlotter’s ‘Bad Biology’ because I took the time to watch it and if I don’t scribble something down then that would’ve meant I watched the damn thing for purely my own enjoyment. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t like the first movie in a good fifteen years from the director of ‘Frankenhooker’ but I did feel the need for a long shower with extra soap and a healthy dose of Axe bodywash afterwards.

Okay… yeah… our movie is narrated by Jennifer (Charlee Danielson) who is some kind of an avant garde photographer and who is also in possession of a mutated vagina. Jennifer’s poo has seven clitori (?) which makes Jennifer oh so hyper sexual. If there’s a plus to having seven clitori it would be that it doesn’t take much to bring Jen to orgasm. The downside of this mutation is that after sex Jennifer often conceives and gives birth to deformed babies – the entire process takes about an hour – and also far too often Jennifer ends up killing her sex partner. Not that Jen is particularly murderous but having seven clitori equals having seven times the emotional baggage which sometimes ends up in murder. I did not know that a woman’s emotional center was based in the clitoris. Learn something new with every movie I watch. Jennifer has found solace in some warped religious justification for her mutation but more on that later.

Across town there’s a young man named Batz (Anthony Sneed). We are informed that this cat got the nickname Batz because he’s nuts. There is reason for Batz insanity however which stems from the fact that he too possesses mutated genitalia with how this coming to be being far more involved than we have the time to describe, but the bottom line is that he possess a two foot dick with the added plus that his dick is self aware.

Fate will bring these two wayward souls together via one of Jennifer’s photo shoots, one that features vagina faced models… that’s really neither here nor there but it is something I think you be aware of… and it is here where Jennifer gets a peek at Batz’s beast and it is here where her destiny becomes clear. Unfortunately Jennifer’s destiny will have to wait because Batz’s self-aware penis has found a way to detach itself from its host and is on a rampage. And you know what, we’ll just end it there.

This is like the second crazed detached penis movie I’ve seen this month, the first one being ‘One Eyed Monster’. Let’s hope we’re not experiencing the birth of a new genre. But before we get back into ‘Bad Biology’ allow me to open up personally for you. Sometimes, because of the way of the world is, I question the existence of God, but ultimately it always comes back to me being a believer. One of the reasons for this is that I’m of the mind that it is simply safer to believe in God than not to believe. Think about it. If there is a God and you do right, live right, treat others properly and with respect and don’t go out of your way to insult or defame this God, when the time comes you’re in a pretty good spot. If there is no God, then you’ve still done these good things then the world is all the better for it. It’s a win-win. Now assuming my theory is correct and this God does exist… Frank Henenlotter is pretty much f@#ked. So if you’re religiously sensitive you might opt for ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ instead. You’ve been warned.

But if you have an affinity towards really, really bad acting, numerous women who are damn near physically flawless getting naked and a horrifically mangled prosthetic penis titty f@#king a woman on her bathroom floor… well… here you go.

It’s movies like ‘Bad Biology’ that make me thankful that I’m not a legitimate or authentic film critic and just a dude who watches movies on his futon. This frees me from saying anything of any value and releases my justifying any opinion I might have. For instance, I actually enjoyed watching this movie. Why? Who knows? Maybe because it has lots of naked women in it who can’t act, but then so does pornography and porn is hardly enjoyable. Or we could make up a reason along the lines of: ‘It appears that Mr. Henenlotter is peeling back the diasporic cultural movement towards sexual repression by skewering said repression in parodistic terms. The social ramifications of the shocking images are subtly obvious while overtly innocuous.’ True, I have no idea what I just said there but it is drivel like this that got me a college degree.

‘Bad Biology’ is offensive, the acting is amateurish, the narrative is nonsensical and Mr. Henenlotter’s direction is spotty to the point that I doubt he was even on set for a few scenes. And it was oddly watchable pretty much from start to finish. Whaddayagonnado?

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