Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So here you go. This movie ‘One Eyed Monster’ is a horror movie, more or less, about a detached penis killing people. Portly porn star Ron Jeremy’s detached penis at that. The thing is director Adam Fields who co-wrote the script with Jordan Fields, who I guess is his brother, play this thing almost completely straight. The question we have to ask ourselves after examining ‘One Eyed Monster’ would be was the decision to make a movie about Ron Jeremy’s dick choking the shit out of people… among other horrible acts of abject violence… the kind of idea that you want to play straight?

Say hello to Jim (Jeff Denton), a producer of adult entertainment who has apparently grown weary of Van Nuys and has taken his crew up north to the snowy mountains for his latest pornographic masterpiece. Now the one thing I did find odd was that, typically, nobody’s cell phone works. I’m thinking that this was probably a horror movie device we could’ve left out, especially considering our heroes are being stalked by a detached penis which would’ve led to some interesting 911 calls. Anyway in addition to the beautiful people who will soon be dead we also have a couple of old timers in the crew in Ron (Ron Jeremy) and Veronica (Veronica Hart). Ron will actually be in our movie doing what he does while Veronica, much to her dismay, is only on the sidelines as a coach. Yes, she is the Vince Lombardi of porno actresses. It is shameful that a fifty year old portly fellow still has a place in porn while a still striking fifty year old woman who is a mistress of the Kegel Exercise is relegated to the sidelines. It was around this time we realized that this movie was taking itself fairly serious as Ron and Veronica engage in a rather deep and interesting discussion about the plight of old pornstars that was quite melancholy and a little bit touching. Seriously.

With Camera, Sound and Lights ready it’s time for our first scene which features Ron who unfortunately is having some issues, issues which I’m sure are not uncommon for a fifty year old fat dude with no E.D. meds nearby. Ron goes outside to gather himself, gets hit by a bolt of light and comes back stronger than ever. While this seems like a good thing initially, by the time Ron nearly kills his co-star, collapses in heap and then has his penis rips itself from his body which proceeds to murder people, it’s not so good anymore.

Just so you know this penis is possessed by an evil Alien and this isn’t the first time this has happened, no sir. But what is it exactly does this evil penis want? And for that matter can it be stopped? Well it’s up to final girl material and Ron Jeremy groupie Laura (Amber Benson) and that all together rare Final Black Guy, Jonah (Jason Graham), to put a stop to this murderous dick before it’s too freaking late.

So yes, ‘One Eyed Monster’ plays itself like a straight horror movie, or at least as straight as a movie about an alien possessed detached penis can play itself. And it works. Somewhat. Since the concept itself is inherently funny I’m thinking that Fields did good by not trying to infuse any extra humor in his film because then the movie would’ve been just outright stupid. There are intentionally comic moments in the flick but to the filmmakers credit these moments usually flow within the absurdity of pornography itself or in the tech guy T.J.’s (Calbe Mayo) portable vagina machine, a device which is still, amazingly enough, plot relevant. And when veteran actor Charles Napier was having his soliloquy on his first encounter with a murderous detached penis he was just as serious telling this story as the actor was describing his issues with John Rambo in First Blood II.

But despite the fact that ‘One Eyed Monster’ is played straight as a horror movie it still isn’t much of a horror movie. I gotta admit that a detached penis, even Ron Jeremy’s detached penis, didn’t instill this audience member with too much fear. I can see where being chased by a detached penis would be frightening but it was more amusing in this movie than anything else. Not that our dick wasn’t plenty violent, though I was confused why it bored a hole in one of our starlets heads instead of impregnating her as we're led to believe it is on this planet to do, but it is thinking with the little head. Ba dum bum!

But despite the fact that ‘One Eyed Monster’ isn’t much of a horror movie it is still worth watching due to the fact it is, all things considered, a finely crafted piece of schlock cinema, is surprisingly well acted, especially from Ron Jeremy and Vanessa Hart, and quite honestly this is too ridiculous a concept to miss out on.

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