Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

This Sci-Fi thriller ‘Absolon’ asks you to buy into the completely ridiculous concept that a pharmaceutical company, say one like Pfizer or Lilly or even a fringe pharm like Monsanto would actually be evil enough to withhold a cure to some life threatening disease… all for the sake of profit. That’s crazy! If you can get past that utterly absurdest notion, then what you have left is a completely run of the mill, science fiction tinged action thriller that brings nothing new to the table. Albeit one with Kelly Brook in it.

Back in 2007, which is the future for this 2003 movie, 80 percent of the world’s population was wiped out by an airborne neurological disease, until this super smart Doctor (Neil Foster) came up with a cure known as Absolon. Actually ‘cure’ is the wrong word because we all know there’s no real profit in a cure, but instead the doc came up with a treatment for this disease. Now this is cool and all because now people can stop dying and stuff, but Absolon has completely changed the world’s economy since Absolon, which has to be injected daily, has become the new currency, and the super huge pharmaceutical company Evil Pharm and its CEO Mr. Murchison (Ron Perlman) is the defacto King of the World. Note that Ron Perlman acted his three or four scenes in this movie from an easy chair. Man I wish I could I act because that’s a job I could totally handle.

Moving along, one day somebody murders this doctor, and this brings damaged police detective Norman Scott (Christopher Lambert) on the case. It looks like this doctor had a cure for this disease and now Scott and his hot partner with the pierced belly button, detective Det. Bryant (Roberta Angelica), are on the case. Unfortunately for these Detectives Evil Pharm has their own police force on the case in super evil operative Agent Walters (Lou Diamond Phillips) and his hot partner dressed in white Agent Davis (Topaz Hasfal). These agents are really good at shooting people in the head, except when it comes to Detective Scott who they simply can’t seem to kill no matter how hard they try.

It is helpful to Detective Scott that he has a benefactor in the dead doctor’s hot assistant in Dr. Claire Whittaker (Brook) who has bailed him out of a particularly tough situation, and now these two are on the run. As it turns out, through wacky circumstance, Det.

Scott has been inoculated with part of the cure for this disease, but unless he gets the other part of the cure, he will be dead in three days time. At this point in the movie, bored by what’s going on in front of me, I’m curious to see how the producers of this film are going to squeeze in a shot of Kelly Brook in either a bikini or her underwear. I know they’re going to do it, I’m just wondering how.

Regardless of all of that, the conspiracy goes much deeper than Evil Pharm simply trying to stop a cure from getting out to the public. Much deeper. Then you may ask, as you watch this movie, how does the search for a cure for a disease devolve into a bomb with a digital clock ticking down to triple zero, and a blue wire needing to be cut? They didn’t just pull the old ‘digital clock / blue wire’ gag did they? Why yes they did. You’re killing me over here, Absolon.

So ‘Absolon’ is part of my continuing quest to watch Every Single Sci-Fi Channel movie Ever Made, and at least this one was a relatively painless entry into this mad quest of mine. I mean it wasn’t a good movie, Oh hell no… definitely not the caliber of a ‘Mansquito’, but at least it wasn’t quest stifling like ‘Monster Ark’ was. What was working for ‘Absolon’, in addition to the specialized skill set that Kelly Brook brings to most every role she chooses to accept, was the concept of the plot device centered around an evil pharmaceutical company and its suppression of a cure, one that features a society that has to pay for everything with minutes from their life which the drug has given them, but while the concept of the plot was cool, the execution of this plot device was so blah… They didn’t even try to do anything with the concept. Almost everything about ‘Absolon’ is tired, listless, and filled with a virtual bullet point list of retreaded action movie plot points.

Then there’s our star Christopher Lambert who was either delivering one of his greatest performances ever, or he was actually severely depressed and was wishing he could’ve been somewhere else. When the script called for him to make out with Ms. Brook and he looked depressed doing that, I knew then the producers of this movie probably placed Lambert on some kind of suicide watch. I hope he’s doing better now. Fortunately LDP was here to pick up Lambert’s slack by overacting to the max, and if somebody can do bang up work from an easy chair, Ron Perlman’s that guy.

‘Absolon’ isn’t gawdawful, I mean it does have shootouts and chase scenes and stuff, the concept supporting the movie is a solid one, and as suspected they did find a way to shoot Kelly Brook in her underwear, but it’s just so goshdarned forgettable.

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