Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I had this new recipe for the Long Island Iced Tea… this is leading somewhere… and since I was hosting a party the following day I had to try it out to make sure it was viable. After making a sample, with its one ounce there and one ounce here, my twenty ounce cup was looking kind of empty so I tripled up on it. Now I have a respectable looking drink and since I have a respectable looking drink let’s load up a less than respectable movie to watch along with my respectable drink. ‘Monster Ark’ it was, and considering that I’m really not much of a drinker, I’m thinking that the Long Island facilitated far more entertainment out of this otherwise horrible film than I ever would’ve gotten had I been Long Island free.

A little known fact, due to the lost scrolls, is that God had Noah make two arks. One ark, the one we are familiar with, to save a few people and the animals while cleansing the Earth of sin, but the first Ark had a monster of untold evil in it. A couple thousand years later, hard working Archeologist Nicholas Zavaterro (Tim DeKay), his cryptographer ex-wife Ava (Renee O’Connor) and his team of grad students which include Russell (Bill Parks) and the constantly inappropriately dressed Joanna (Amanda Crew) have discovered a map with the location of this missing ark. Seriously, in a dig in the deserts of some Mideast country, the sun beating down, scorpions probably all around, everybody else is dressed for protection except Joanna who is wearing a low-cut, super tight halter top and a pair of shorts that barely hide her secrets. Think Lara Croft. She does have an adorable belly-button though.

So we have to get to Iraq to unearth this thing, but of course there’s a war going on so we will need an escort. But before we get to that, we have to deal with the banal banter of the exes. A few years back Dr. Nick was accused of sexual harassment of a student, but it was proved not to be true though his shrew of an ex-wife never believed him. The fact that his current grad student walks around half naked all the time and his hot as hell doesn’t help matters. To get her through that tough time, Ava turned to The Lord. Nick believes all religions are fantasy and wished his wife had the same in his love and faithfulness for him as she has in the imaginary dude in the sky.

As painful as that was to listen too throughout the whole movie, things get a lot better when Tiny Lister shows up as Army officer Major Gentry. Note that his insignia is that of a Sergeant Major, but they keep calling him Major so I don’t know what he’s supposed to be. Major Gentry will yell and bellow and sneer and use all kinds of wonderful war cliché’s during this movie which almost makes it tolerable. When he was yelling at his man ‘Don’t Die on me Soldier!’, I knew we had a winner with this guy.

To cut the chase, these loons find the ark, dig the box out of it, open the box and set free the monster who proceeds to hop around like a bunny rabbit and slice people and stuff. Word of this has gotten to ‘The Brotherhood’, a secret sect who protects secrets and the like, and their leader Mr. Cain (Todd Jensen) has sent his right hand man Belus (Carlos Leon) to the scene to do something. Heck if I know what. All I know is that the goofiest apocalyptic monster of all time is hopping around Iraq slashing people and the only way it can be stopped is if the disbelieving archeologist will start believing while holding the Rod of Moses. That doesn’t sound right but it is what it is.

Even though me and Long Island were having a rocking good time laughing at director Declan O’Brien’s movie ‘Monster Ark’, Long Island still couldn’t cover the one fatal flaw in this movie, one filled with detrimental flaws, that being the Apocalyptic Monster. Ignoring the fact it looks awful and moves terribly, this monster is going to have a hell of a time ending the world as we know it. It’s barely six feet tall and it kills by slashing people, but not even with one slash. It has to do this over and over and over again, and even then it might not kill you. So considering there’s seven billion people on the planet and it takes this thing roughly five minutes to kill somebody, and it kills us one at a time, my math tells me it’s going take this monster over 57,000 years to kill us all. And that’s not factoring in travel time because I have no idea how this thing is going to cross the oceans to get to America or Asia or wherever. The human race will be long gone before this idiot monster even finishes 1% of its mission.

So even though Long Island couldn’t help with that, it did amplify the sheer brilliance of Tiny Lister in this movie, it muted out the shrill over acting of both Tim Dekay and Renee O’Connor, it allowed us to care even less about their relationship and their faith issues other than the fact that Dr. Nick is clearly better off without Ava bringing him down, Long Island allowed Amanda Crew to be even hotter than she already is and also made the fact that she dressed highly inappropriately throughout the entire movie make complete and total sense. ‘Monster Ark’ is not a good movie, even by Sci-Fi original standards, but with a little help from a friend (not recommended) you can make it through.

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