At this point and time as it seems as if I am
actually looking forward to director Declan O'Brien's
festivals of nudity and gore calling themselves 'Wrong Turn'
sequels. Obviously I need to get out more. Is
O'Brien's third stab at Three Finger Mayhem, 'Wrong Turn 5:
Bloodlines' a good movie? No, not really. Did I
enjoy sitting through it? Yeah, pretty much.
Our movie starts with some kids having sex. To the
surprise of no one. After they finish up we meet all of
these young people and learn that they are in Bulgaria… err…
West Virginia to attend some kind of wacky festival
celebrating mutated cannibals. Seriously.
Everybody in town is walking around with a mutated cannibal
mask. I would tell you who these kids are but does it
really matter? Just know that they are all attractive,
the female characters will probably show us their tits and all
of them, more than likely, will be brutally slaughtered.
It only takes a minute into the movie for Three Finger and his
two brothers to find some woman jogging in the desolate
backwoods (?) and eviscerate her, but we got a little twist
this time because we get to meet Uncle Maynard as played by
Douglas 'Pinhead' Bradley. Yes, the cannibal brothers
have kin and Uncle Maynard is here to see that his nephews
stop screwing up and start to properly cannibalize
folks. Just so you know, nobody actually makes a 'wrong
turn' in this movie. In fact, if anything they all went
the right way but yet still ended up getting gutted,
brutalized and cannibalized.
So something happens, our young disposables meet Uncle Maynard
who was planning on setting them up them up for some quality
grilln' but it goes slightly awry and everybody is carted off
to the prison of Sheriff Angela (Camilla Afwedson) who is just
trying to keep the peace in her town, now empty because
everybody is off at the cannibal festival.
Now Uncle Maynard tells Sheriff Angela to let
her go or else she's gonna die. In fact Uncle Maynard
tells everybody that they are going to die and he does so in
exquisite detail and he does it incessantly. It's
terribly annoying. After a while of listening to Maynard
gravelly drone on with 'my boys are-a-comin and they're gonna
eat ya titties!'. 'then my boys are gonna rape ya and
eat your asshole'. 'then my boys are gonna drink ya
blood out ya eyeball!', 'you're gonna diiiieeeee!'
Sheriff Angela should've shot him right there, like any
reasonable person would have, but apparently Sheriff Angela
wants justice because as it turns out, Ol' Maynard is a wanted
serial killer on the run.
Well, just as Maynard repeatedly predicted, his boys
are-a-comin' and the slaughter rate is high and completely
over the top. I mean it's totally uncalled for what
Three Finger and his brothers were doing to these poor
people. We're hoping the stalwart Sheriff Angela and her
deep, inherent, albeit action hindering sense of justice will
prevail but we have our doubts about this because in these
'Wrong Turn' movies the good guys almost always finish last.
One day I guess I will get around to watching the first 'Wrong
Turn' if for no other reason than to be a 'Wrong Turn'
completist though I'm sure O'Brien will release 'Wrong Turn 6'
before that happens. Regardless, deciphering O'Brien's
versions of these Wrong Turn movies is pretty simple, noting
that Joe Lynch's 'Wrong Turn 2' is still a sequel heads above
the O'Brien sequels if you were to ask me. But with
these last three sequels O'Brien seems to be putting 'Wrong
Turn' into other movies. 'Wrong Turn' meets 'The Defiant
Ones' in wrong turn 3, 'Wrong Turn' meets 'Die Hard' in Wrong
Turn 4 and 'Wrong Turn' meets 'Assault on 'Precinct 13' in
this one. Hopefully the next one will be 'Wrong Turn'
meets 'The English Patient'. That would be awesome.
Is the movie good? Of course it isn't, a good movie
being one that has interesting sympathetic well developed
characters, a plot that has some kind of definable direction,
or a film that perhaps has some sense of morality.
Maybe. No sir, Wrong Turn 5 has none of those qualities,
but I think we all realize that from the first day this film
was being developed, none of those qualities were even an
option. I'm sure the production day began and ended with
the question… 'How are we going to kill these schlubs?' with
follow up being 'They signed the nudity waiver, didn't
they?' Those simple questions, my friends, were
definitively answered. Plenty of grisly, violent, blood
splattered kills, and titties inserted where they weren't
necessary and added absolutely nothing to the story. And
while the acting was fairly typical for this type of affair,
we did have the added bonus of Doug Bradley chewing up scenery
talking about the awful things he plans to do with dead
bodies. And Maynard had the ability to gouge out
somebody's eyes just by looking at them real hard. I
think that's how he put out that person's eyes.
You get what you get with these 'Wrong Turn' movies, and we
can readily admit that they are fairly pointless, completely
nihilistic and features a villain who is silly on top of being
virtually indestructible so bitter defeat for our heroes is
almost guaranteed. But we don't hate these movies.
I'd almost go as far as to say that I enjoy them but I might
want to run for public office one day and we'd rather not have
this on the record.