Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
At this point and time as it seems as if I am actually looking forward to director Declan O'Brien's festivals of nudity and gore calling themselves 'Wrong Turn' sequels.  Obviously I need to get out more.  Is O'Brien's third stab at Three Finger Mayhem, 'Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines' a good movie?  No, not really.  Did I enjoy sitting through it?  Yeah, pretty much.

Our movie starts with some kids having sex.  To the surprise of no one.  After they finish up we meet all of these young people and learn that they are in Bulgaria… err… West Virginia to attend some kind of wacky festival celebrating mutated cannibals.  Seriously.  Everybody in town is walking around with a mutated cannibal mask.  I would tell you who these kids are but does it really matter?  Just know that they are all attractive, the female characters will probably show us their tits and all of them, more than likely, will be brutally slaughtered.

It only takes a minute into the movie for Three Finger and his two brothers to find some woman jogging in the desolate backwoods (?) and eviscerate her, but we got a little twist this time because we get to meet Uncle Maynard as played by Douglas 'Pinhead' Bradley.  Yes, the cannibal brothers have kin and Uncle Maynard is here to see that his nephews stop screwing up and start to properly cannibalize folks.  Just so you know, nobody actually makes a 'wrong turn' in this movie.  In fact, if anything they all went the right way but yet still ended up getting gutted, brutalized and cannibalized. 

So something happens, our young disposables meet Uncle Maynard who was planning on setting them up them up for some quality grilln' but it goes slightly awry and everybody is carted off to the prison of Sheriff Angela (Camilla Afwedson) who is just trying to keep the peace in her town, now empty because everybody is off at the cannibal festival. 
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Now Uncle Maynard tells Sheriff Angela to let her go or else she's gonna die.  In fact Uncle Maynard tells everybody that they are going to die and he does so in exquisite detail and he does it incessantly.  It's terribly annoying.  After a while of listening to Maynard gravelly drone on with 'my boys are-a-comin and they're gonna eat ya titties!'.  'then my boys are gonna rape ya and eat your asshole'.  'then my boys are gonna drink ya blood out ya eyeball!', 'you're gonna diiiieeeee!'  Sheriff Angela should've shot him right there, like any reasonable person would have, but apparently Sheriff Angela wants justice because as it turns out, Ol' Maynard is a wanted serial killer on the run. 

Well, just as Maynard repeatedly predicted, his boys are-a-comin' and the slaughter rate is high and completely over the top.  I mean it's totally uncalled for what Three Finger and his brothers were doing to these poor people.  We're hoping the stalwart Sheriff Angela and her deep, inherent, albeit action hindering sense of justice will prevail but we have our doubts about this because in these 'Wrong Turn' movies the good guys almost always finish last.

One day I guess I will get around to watching the first 'Wrong Turn' if for no other reason than to be a 'Wrong Turn' completist though I'm sure O'Brien will release 'Wrong Turn 6' before that happens.  Regardless, deciphering O'Brien's versions of these Wrong Turn movies is pretty simple, noting that Joe Lynch's 'Wrong Turn 2' is still a sequel heads above the O'Brien sequels if you were to ask me.  But with these last three sequels O'Brien seems to be putting 'Wrong Turn' into other movies.  'Wrong Turn' meets 'The Defiant Ones' in wrong turn 3, 'Wrong Turn' meets 'Die Hard' in Wrong Turn 4 and 'Wrong Turn' meets 'Assault on 'Precinct 13' in this one.  Hopefully the next one will be 'Wrong Turn' meets 'The English Patient'.  That would be awesome.

Is the movie good?  Of course it isn't, a good movie being one that has interesting sympathetic well developed characters, a plot that has some kind of definable direction, or a film that perhaps has some sense of morality.  Maybe.  No sir, Wrong Turn 5 has none of those qualities, but I think we all realize that from the first day this film was being developed, none of those qualities were even an option.  I'm sure the production day began and ended with the question… 'How are we going to kill these schlubs?' with follow up being 'They signed the nudity waiver, didn't they?'  Those simple questions, my friends, were definitively answered.  Plenty of grisly, violent, blood splattered kills, and titties inserted where they weren't necessary and added absolutely nothing to the story.  And while the acting was fairly typical for this type of affair, we did have the added bonus of Doug Bradley chewing up scenery talking about the awful things he plans to do with dead bodies.  And Maynard had the ability to gouge out somebody's eyes just by looking at them real hard.  I think that's how he put out that person's eyes.

You get what you get with these 'Wrong Turn' movies, and we can readily admit that they are fairly pointless, completely nihilistic and features a villain who is silly on top of being virtually indestructible so bitter defeat for our heroes is almost guaranteed.  But we don't hate these movies.  I'd almost go as far as to say that I enjoy them but I might want to run for public office one day and we'd rather not have this on the record.
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