Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Maybe I should have watched ‘Wild Things 2’ before I cued up ‘Wild Things 3’.  Or maybe not.  It seems these ‘Wild Things’ sequels are nothing of the sort actually since none of the characters show up in any form and the story pretty much remains the same.  So I suppose they could completely remove the numbers after ‘Wild Things’ and just keep calling it ‘Wild Things’ since for the most part these are remakes, or the more creative term, ‘re-imaginings’ of the original.

Marie (Sarah Laine) has lost her mother who in her will has bequeathed to her daughter the cherished Mother Daughter diamonds worth a cool four million.  Stepdad Jay (Brad Johnson) is challenging the will because, well, he’s an asshole.  Marie for some unknown reason also has a real dislike for the tether wearing Elena (Sandra McCoy), the girl from the ‘wrong side of the tracks’ who lives in a trailer park.  At high school Marie is a championship diver, which mainly consists of her sexily getting out of the pool on numerous occasions.  Sarah Laine must have exited some body of water at least a dozen times in this flick.  Anyway, Elena is the towel girl at one of the diving events, Stepdad Jay for some reason decides he wants her, despite the fact she’s seventeen and he’s fifty, and invites her to his step daughter’s birthday party where the two girls put on a glorious hair pulling / wet T-shirt show.

Later that same evening we see Jay alone with Elena which leads to the next day when Jay is arrested for rape, complete with semen stained panties and matching teeth marks on her left boobie.  Elena’s parole officer, Kristin (Dina Meyer) believes the girl initially, and convinces her police detective ex-lover Michael (Linden Ashby) as much, but her doubts begin to fade when Elena perjures herself on the stand accusing Jay of whispering in her ear “you won’t remember, but will never forget”, which Kristin informed the ENTIRE SCHOOL during an assembly that this is what her assailant said to her when she was assaulted.  Something maybe a decent Defense attorney should

have picked up on.  You see Marie managed to convince Jay to relinquish his fight against the will, giving Marie the ability to cash in the diamonds and pay off Elena to drop her case.  Yeah… there you go.  Well, our two cops are hip to the deception and are closing in on our lip locking twenty somethings playing teenagers and their little deceitful plan, but when dead bodies start to pile up, there seems to be something else going on, and then something else and then something else….

Since ‘Wild Things 3’ is in essence a remake, there is little surprise when almost anything happens so our filmmakers had to go out of there way to make everything happen.  When Marie yells at Elena at school for virtually no reason, we know already that this pair is rubbing coochies (my that was tasteless), and are up to no good.  When Jay gets accused of rape, assuming of course you saw the first ‘Wild Things’, we know that he’s not guilty and the two girls, along with some guy are behind it and a threesome by the pool will follow with his conviction.  Since we know all of this stuff already the filmmakers at least tried to mix things up by adding, well, other stuff.  Some of this ‘other stuff’ you may see coming and some of it you may not see coming, but there is so much ‘other stuff’ and so many things that have to subsequently fall into place for the other stuff to make any sense I doubt you will care too much about the ‘other stuff’.

The pair of diamonds in ‘Wild Things 3’ is the ultimate MacGuffin in that we needed SOMETHING to justify getting around to seeing are young stars naked and keep the plot twisty.  It could have been a pair of socks as far as this script was concerned, but the diamonds themselves were fairly inconsequential despite the fact that all of this mayhem stemmed from them.  But with all of that being said ‘Wild Things 3’ still ended up being reasonably entertaining, partly because it was so damn silly, partly because the final credits showed us stuff we hadn’t seen yet which made the plot even more ludicrous, and partly because our stars weren’t shy, though I think Sandra McCoy had stunt tits because rarely were her face and her bare boobies in the same scene.   How can you dislike a film where Marie was sexily explaining something to Elena, the pair in bed, and says to her ‘One in the hand is worth two in the bush’ while heading down to her happy place.  Classic.

Yes, as I have said for numerous films, this ain’t art.  But it was pretty to look at, had naked women, wet women, Dina Meyer is still hot on the darkest side of thirty and has a plot that was so silly it had to be by design.  Maybe I will backtrack and peep ‘Wild Things 2’.  How bad can it be?  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

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