Believe me when I tell you boys and girls that you are going to have to look long hard and far to find a movie as sufferably poor as this thing here calling itself Voodoo Lagoon. Shoot, ‘sufferably’ isn’t even a damn word, but I had to think of something to describe my experience with this movie.

A group of college students luck up on a killer deal to some remote out of the way Caribbean island paradise. The only thing is that this paradise has no electricity no phones and is way out of reach from any nearby working cell phone towers. If these kids knew movies like we know movies then they would have backed out of this deal with the quickness, but nope, off they go.

Another thing that probably should have hipped these kids that everything might not be on the up and up is that they had to fill out a weird questionnaire before boarding the plane which asked various questions, including one quizzing these kids on what their worst fear is. Now why would anybody need that information? We can only wonder. I would go through the trouble to describe these youths to you but they are all pretty generic with the exception of sixteen year old Aaron (Lincoln Lewis) whose older sister dragged him along on this trip and then slapped his hand whenever he tried to do anything. One time Aaron was just trying to play in the dirt and he got chastised for doing that too.

By this time anybody else other than me would have turned this movie off a while ago as it is incredibly dull and making absolutely no sense, but this is what I do so I soldier on as we meet Ben (John Noble), the dude that owns the island and is deep into Voodoo for reasons that will NOT become clearer as the movie goes along. There is also a tall blonde voodoo priestess or something walking around who works for Ben,

I think, and has some kind of evil plan for young Aaron. Regardless, our youths start dying as our evil voodoo king sporting the worlds most ridiculous voodoo mask is using their worst fears to kill them, thus we have that stupid ass questionnaire they shouldn’t have filled out, but there is some kind of method to his madness though and I think it involves this dead Black guy who keeps floating in and out of picture. I really don’t know.

I had no idea how many phobias I possessed until I watched ‘Voodoo Lagoon’. As we are told my man is killing people based on their worst fears, which admittedly isn’t the most original plot device around but we’ll go ahead and roll with it. So Ben the evil Voodoo King has some dude strapped to a chair, pulls a red hot poker out of the fire and sticks it in both of his eyes because apparently he has a fear of being stuck in the eyes with a red hot poker. Shit, I’m scared of that too, I just didn’t know that stuck-in-the-eye-with-a-red-hot-pokeraphobia had been documented yet. Then we have one of our kids who is again strapped to a chair while the Voodoo King hammers five rusty nails in his dick because… well… the dude has a fear of nails being hammered into his dick. Damn if it doesn’t turn out that I have rusty-nail-in-dickaphobia too! After some further investigation of my various psychoses, I have discovered that I also suffer from Shotgun-Blast-in-the faceaphobia, Sledgehammer-to-the-kneeaphobia and Forcible-cock-in-the-rectumaphobia. Here my stupid ass was sitting around thinking that phobias consisted of foreigners, open spaces, heights and the dark. I’ve already made an appointment with my shrink to cure myself of these various psychotic intrusions.

Truly ‘Voodoo Lagoon’ is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Ever. The story made absolutely no sense, the acting by the young, albeit attractive cast was terrible, the pacing for this thing was completely non-existent, and it wasn’t the least bit scary or frightening or suspenseful or nothing! By the time the Voodoo King tells young Aaron ‘I’m your Father!’, assuming of course you haven’t shut it down by this point, you will fall off your chair in laughter and probably smash your head on the hardwood floors, which of course is Cranium-crushed-by-hardwood-flooraphobia, which I also suffer from.

The good things about this movie consist of the already mentioned lot of good looking women in the cast, but damn, practically every freaking movie ever made has that, and the island locales did look nice. All I’m saying is that while the rusty nails to the dick sure did look painful, but given a choice between that and sitting through 80 minutes worth of ‘Voodoo Lagoon’ again, the choice isn’t as easy at it seems.