Reviewed by

Christopher Armsted

Right off the bat allow me tell you that ‘Virgin Territory’ wasn’t very good.  I’ll also tell you that though I’ve seen this movie in early 2008, I don’t think I was supposed to see it all but since it’s release date on Movieweb is posted as sometime in 2009, though it is certainly a finished project.  However a friend of mine who will remain nameless brings over a disk as says ‘you gotta watch this’.  The Sharpie on the disk should have hipped me but whattayagonnado?  All that being said, despite the fact this little bawdy tale of Plague era Europe was an unfortunate mix of sub par acting, unimpressive swashbuckling and the extremely questionable use of techno music and modern pop songs, there sure were a lot of naked women in it.  Gratuitously so.  Mischa Barton doesn’t get naked but if you absolutely positively think your life can’t continue without seeing Mischa Barton naked, the go watch ‘The O in Ohio’.  I tell you I would have gladly cut off my left big toe be in on the crew for the casting call auditions of this flick.

The Bubonic plague is pretty much killing everybody as told to us by our narrator Tindaro (Craig Parkinson).  Perhaps not the best setting for a lighthearted, fun, romantic comedy but here we are.  The Plague has also taken the parents of the lovely mistress Pampanea (Barton) who is simply awaiting the arrival of her predetermined mate, Russian Count Dzerhinski (Matthew Rhys).  Outside her domicile though one man longs desperately for her, though he’s never so much as touched her, lays in wait the dashing Lorenzo (Hayden Christenson) who often leaves a lone flower the object of his desire, and then it’s off to run to save his life.  It seems that Lorenzo has upset to no end the heavy in this little Italian (French?  German?) town in the scurrilous Gerbino (Tim Roth) who only want Lorenzo dead.  In-between trying to kill Lorenzo, Gerbino has also informed Pampanea that her father, in order to pay off his debts to

him, has promised her to him in marriage before he kicked off, not this soon to arrive Russian Count.  Fates for Lorenzo and Pampanea have paralleled each other as both feel the desperate need to flee.  Lorenzo escapes to a convent where the nuns assume him to be a deaf and dumb gardener, and as such have lots of nasty sex with him.  Pampanea flees, wouldn’t you know it, to the same convent hiding out pretending to be veil covered nun while awaiting the arrival of her count and becoming increasingly jealous of the Lorenzo’s lascivious actions.
Then there comes the kiss.  The veiled nun blindfolds Lorenzo and gives him a kiss, letting him know who his true love is.  He just doesn’t know her identity.  Anyway as you might imagine everything goes all to heck, Gerbino tries to kill Count Dzerhinski, captures Lorenzo, corners Pampanea into finally marrying him unless someone, anyone can do swashbuckling and save the day.  I’m holding out for a hero y’all.

The thing about all of the naked people in this flick with all of the horny nuns and all of the horny cow milking wenches and the horny naked women swimming in the creek and the horny virginal maidens is that none of it really didn’t seem to fit in the overall theme of the film.  There’s a good chance there won’t be any naked people in this film if it does get released next year because without them we have a fairly innocuous light PG rated, Possibly PG-13 rated adventure flick.  I guess they would probably have to remove the relentless blaspheming of the Catholic church too.  If were to take this film as gospel, and believe me I don’t, I would think that nuns just can’t get enough.  AND they are all at least 5’9” weigh 115lbs and are blessed with symmetrically perfect bodies.

Even without the gratuitous nudity what you have here is a mix match of thematic elements.  I understand the need to modernize the whole story and all but grooving synth loops and whining acoustic pop singers just didn’t seem to work for me all that well in Victorian era Europe for some reason.  Considering he was Darth Vader and all and killed every single Jedi Knight with his light saber, Hayden Christiansen didn’t come off as much of a fencer in this flick and kid really needs to either lose the accent completely, or perhaps concentrate on using it all the time.  Only Matthew Rhys as the Russian Count was able to save himself some face as even Tim Roth looked bored having to dig into his ‘Rob Roy’ bag of tricks and drugde out that same old tired character, one I’m sure is keeping his children in private schools, but bringing him no personal joy.

But then since this movie doesn’t even exist yet, neither does this review.  If it did exist it would summarize with the recommendation that you dig up an old VHS copy of the Princess Bride and watch my Inigo Diego Montoya do that thing he do.  Mandy Pantinkin may not know how to show for work on time on a regular basis, but he sure knows how to hold on to an accent for the duration for a movie.

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