Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

It is movies like this, ‘Two Tigers’, that will keep me from ever being taken serious as a real ‘film critic’… that and the fact I can’t type worth a sh*t. And the fact that I have a potty mouth. With this film I could clearly see its deficiencies in acting, plotting and action but yet I couldn’t stop watching it and ultimately found it quite enjoyable despite its vast flaws. I could lie to you and make up all kind of fancy critic jargon about why this film isn’t worth our valuable time, but my friends, I will never lie to you… that often.

Our Italian film opens somewhere, I’m guessing Italy, where we see the beautiful international assassin Gilda (Andrea Osvart) setup with her super high powered rifle about to off some poor sucker. The thing I found odd about this particular scene is that Gilda is on like the second floor of the building looking at a dude directly across the street thus really negating the need for the super-powered scoped toy rifle she was carrying. She probably could’ve just pulled out a knife and just threw at the guy she was so close to him.

So Gilda kills this dude and scurries away for her next assignment which takes her to Hong Kong, and this is where she meets Lin (Selena Khoo), the Kung Fu kicking call girl who is setup in the apartment right next to Gilda. You see Lin likes to get down with the curtains open and Gilda, it would appear, likes to watch. We ain’t mad at her about that. And though I’m not one for prostitutes, I was curious what Lin was charging. Anyway, things happen and the these two lovelies become fast friends with Lin telling Gilda about her true love Michele (Olivier Pages) and how one day the couple will be together once Michele finally leaves his wife. Yeah… one would think an international call girl who knows kung fu would have more sense than that. Gilda on the other hand doesn’t do too well with the fellas because of her volatility, but she has met a rather dashing Eurasian man named Michael (Chem Daming) who she likes

enough to sex him up, but not enough to the give the brother thanks or anything for services rendered, making the poor dude feel like a piece of meat. I’m guessing this is supposed to be a problem. There is also an Australian cop (Matt Pastresis) hot on Gilda’s tail, obsessed with bringing her down.

Right about now I’m wondering what are the chances that Gilda will soon get a call from her unseen handlers telling her to kill Lin? Hong Kong has millions upon millions of people so surely the odds that Gilda will have to deep six her new best friend, who coincidentally lives right next door to her, are astronomical, correct? So much for those odds. Yes, things have gotten complicated with a quickness for our hot assassin, because the net of the authorities is getting much tighter, her boyfriend plaything might not be what he appears and she has to kill her hot new best friend who thinks she’s finally going away to be with her lover. What is an international assassin to do?

So I enjoyed this movie directed by one Sandro Secca quite a bit and I’m working with myself internally to figure out why this is. Stars Selena Khoo and Andrea Osvart don’t seem to be all that great as actresses, but after a while you adjust to what they are doing and whatever deficiencies they have as actresses somehow become irrelevant rather quickly. Yes both of these insanely lovely women get naked, yes Andrea Osvart might have the most perfect set of boobies on God’s green earth and yes Selena Khoo has nipples so long they have to be measured with a yard stick but if the criteria for a good movie was to place pretty naked women in it, then most R-rated movies with nudity would be entertaining and we all know that this is not even remotely close to a reality. The fight sequences are subpar because neither of our beautiful actresses seem to be natural martial artist and the gun fight scenes are lacking at best but yet I still had a popcorn scarfing good time watching ‘Two Tigers’. Why this was the case… I still don’t know but it has to be because of Osvart and Khoo who carry the film. Like I said they don’t seem to be great actresses but they are both charming and magnetic on screen, particular together… and no, there’s not any girl-girl action in this thing so get those dirty thoughts out your brain. The story is predictable but it does have nice flow, the film has a slick look to it, though the palette appears to be washed out at time, but that’s really all I got as to why I enjoyed ‘Two Tigers’ as much as I did, and you might not feel the same way so walk cautiously toward this one is what I would advise you to do.

SPOILER TIME!!! So Michele, the asshole boyfriend, tells Lin that he’s been using her all this and he’d NEVER marry a cheap whore like her. That’s cool but he’s talking all this mess while handcuffed to a bed. Yeah, not very smart, especially considering the kung fu whore keeps a samurai sword above the bedpost. But at least he came before he went. Michael, the boy-toy, actually works for the Hong Kong mob and because of the Australian cop we know that there are fifteen possible female matches in Hong Kong who could be the assassin that they are all searching for. So did Michael get into car accidents and have sex with all fifteen women before he finally got the word on the one he was supposed to kill? If so my man has MAD game. Plus he was a ‘talking killer’. You know the guy who has a gun on somebody and has to talk plenty shite before pulling the trigger? Gotta love the talking killer. And you gotta love ‘Two Tigers’ my friends.


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