Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

You have just gotta love the talking killer.  You know the guy.  The guy at the end of the movie, right before he is about to kill whomever, explains the plot, why he does what he does and ties up any major loose ends that may be floating around?  Yeah, that guy.  The talking killer figures quite prominently in Paramount Pictures ‘Twisted’ a mystery thriller in the worst sense of the words ‘mystery’ and ‘thriller’.

Ashley Judd is Jessica Shepard, a beat cop who likes to pick up strange men in bars, play hide the bone, then never see them again.  Luck be damned, one of her tryst turns out be serial killer Edmund Cutler (Leland Orser).  The one night standage is abruptly truncated when he pulls out a knife and she kicks his ass.  Now celebrated for being a whore, uhh… I mean expressing herself sexually, she is promoted to a homicide inspector by her adopted father Police Commissioner John Mills (Samuel L. Jackson) who took her in after Jessica’s father murdered her ‘sexually expressive’ mother, and a bunch of other people before killing himself.

Luck be damned, a floater pops up in the San Francisco bay and it turns out to be of one Jessica’s one night stands.  Her partner Mike Delmarco (Andy Garcia) considers it merely a coincidence and her boss, Commissioner Mills keeps her on the case.  Problem is three more of her lovers turn up dead.  It seems that someone is killing all of Jessica’s former playthings, and boy does the fiend has his work cut out.  For real.  They could have made ME the central figure and started killing off MY former lovers, but it would have had to be a 12-part miniseries!  Know what I’m sayin’!  HAR HAR HAR!!!  Okay, so it would have only been a station break.  No need to mock a guy.

Oh damn, this movie is still on.  Well there’s another problem.  The guys pop up dead usually after Jess drinks a bottle of the hard stuff then blacks out.  So she’s obviously our killer right?  Not so fast my friend.  We’ll wait and see what the talking killer has to say about that.  And why does the killer burns cigarette holes in the back of their hands, and what exactly does this have to with Jess’s dead parents.  The talking killer will explain all, so don’t you worry.

To be honest with you people, I’ve never even heard of this movie.  Andy Garcia, Ashley Judd AND Sam Jackson and I’ve never even heard of it.  I can only assume this is because it’s a disjointed mess.  Ashley Judd’s Jessica doesn’t seem to be much of a cop, much less one worthy of promotion.  I mean this is a homicide cop that screams when she sees a dead body.  Plus how many times does Sherlock over here have to black out before she STOPS taking that big swig of Johnny Walker when she gets home.  In an effort to create the ‘mystery’ they make characters do things, particularly Andy Garcia’s character that make absolutely no sense.  Personally, I’m gonna hold off on the romantic overtures towards a woman whose lovers are systematically floating in rivers.  Call me old-fashioned, but I like my dates to be CLEARED of murder charges before we start sharing love.  Then, of course, we have the ‘talking killer’.  A Word of advice, you talking killer you.  Before you begin to tell us all how smart, complete and foolproof your plan is, make sure there’s, I don’t know, no INTERCOM SYSTEMS ON ANYWHERE!  Because chances are, there are.  That’s all I got to say to you, Talking Killer.

So I’m ending this review.  Since you people don’t understand me, I HAD to end it, just like I had to end the ones before this one, and I’ll end the ones after this one.  I wouldn’t have to end it if you people would have just listened.  Just once.  So know I must kill you a… HEY!  You’re not broadcasting this to anyone are you?  Okay, just checking…

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