Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Let’s say you’re a criminal… I hope you’re not, but for arguments sake let us say that you are… and you have this major heist about to go down. Cool. My only advice to you, you fledgling criminal you, is to make sure that the overwhelming bulk of information for this heist of yours did not come from a guy on psychotic medication. I’m just throwing that out there. Again, trying to help the little people. Today’s monthly Nicolas Cage movie is Joel Schumacher’s ‘Trespass’, and while we didn’t think this movie was all that bad, and while we’re all for a brother making an honest buck, but we do hope Mr. Cage’s financials get in order real soon so he can slow down a bit on some of this output. For real.

This month Mr. Cage assumes the role of Kyle Miller, a beleaguered, financially strapped diamond seller who has just made it home after a long business trip only to find his hot wife Sarah (Nicole Kidman) to be extremely frustrated with him and his bratty teenage daughter Avery (Liana Liberato) hating on him, as most teenage girls do seem to dislike their parents. Regardless, these people do seem to love each other, they live in one of the nicest houses you will ever want to see and Kyle does drive a Porsche, so how bad can it be?

Doesn’t matter much what these people are going through because very soon the violent lunatics will pay them a visit. These lunatics would be Elias (Ben Mendelsohn), his brother Jonah (Cam Gigandet) who we already mentioned is taking psychotics, Elias' girlfriend Petal (Jordana Spiro) who is also taking drugs, just not the kind subscribed to you by a doctor, and then there’s The Heavy going by the name of Ty (Dash Mihok) who is just itching to kills something or cut something off or just do anything having something to do with causing somebody pain.

Fortunately the bratty daughter snuck out a little earlier to go to a house party so she will miss out on a lot of the fun, but her parents are sticking around to hear the requests of these loons. They want the diamonds. Now I don’t the accuracy of the facts in this

movie, but Kyle will give us a crash course primer on the business of diamonds and as it turns out, stealing uncut diamonds is not a good thing to do. Not that the criminals believe him, but if it is true, they want money now because the guy on psychotics knows Kyle has money. Kyle claims he has no money, not that they believe this either. These guys are punching people and putting guns to folks heads and all kinds of violent stuff so maybe the man is telling the truth?

It looks like The Heavy is just going to have to start killing people, and that includes his accomplices because the truth of the matter is he’s just there to supervise and it’s all gone to hell anyway. The Psycho can’t have that, or at least he can’t have them kill Sarah the hot wife because they’re in love with each other. Maybe. Who knows? And by this time babygirl has joined the party. And all isn’t what it seems. Or maybe it is. Who knows?

I don’t if this is accomplishment or not, or if this is what director Joel Schumacher was going for, but ‘Trespass’ was probably one of the most chaotic movies I’ve ever seen. Folks were screaming and yelling and screaming and shooting and running and nail gunning, and injecting and toking, crashing and stabbing and back stabbing and adultering and punching and yelling… whew… that was exhausting. Pure chaos this one was, and rarely was any of this chaos coherent in nature.

The good thing about pure chaos is that the chances are you will get a movie that won’t put you to sleep, and if nothing else, ‘Trespass’ did keep this audience member alert. The bad thing about a movie like this, is when you’re alert and paying attention, things that don’t make any sense are just amplified and just about nothing any character does in this movie and very few of the situations set up in this thriller rarely made any kind of freaking sense. We already mentioned the problem with taking advice from psychotics, also it’s never a good idea to bring your crack addicted girlfriend on the Heist of the Century either. Or give her a gun to boot. And how come every time one these people made it outside their house, a house they’ve been living in like forever, they never know where they were and these people who just broke in today can always catch them? There’s other silly stuff, but you might want to watch this movie and experience the chaos for yourself organically without some jerk spoiling it for you.

All that being said we always do enjoy watching Nic Cage do his Nic Cage thing, a thing some might call overacting, but we just call it Nic dialing it up a notch. We also can see that Nicole Kidman is still one of the more beautiful ladies on the planet Earth, so beautiful in fact that she can get slapped, punched, slammed to the ground face first, and butted to the back of the skull with a shotgun and that pretty face will not bruise, nor will that hair get messed up. Who do you know that’s so pretty that they’re punch proof?

I’ve read that septuagenarian Joel Schumacher is the director the studios go to when they need to get a movie done. That means on time, under budget and with no drama attached. I just wish my man made better movies in addition to bringing them home on time, under budget and with no drama attached. ‘Trespass’ will keep you alert, with all the screaming and stuff going on, but I don’t think keeping alert passes as solid entertainment.

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