For full
disclosures sake, I really had no desire to see this movie,
but then how can one enjoy an Honest Trailer for this movie if
one doesn't actually see said movie? True, suffering
through 165 minutes just to appreciate five minutes worth of
funny may seem short sighted… but is it really? I don't
think so. Somehow, someway, I was getting some
entertainment out of this.
I'm going to take just a few lines of this article to actively
defend director Michael Bay a little bit. The man is the
object of a lot of derision and takes a lot of abuse it seems
from critics and fans alike, and the word is that he is a bit
prickly, but his movies do make money. This thing is
called 'Show Business' and by golly his business is
good. If I'm not mistaken, I believe he is only second
to Steven Spielberg when it comes to a director and what the
total gross is of the movies they've taken in. Steven
Freaking Spielberg. So the man must be doing something
right for his movies to be raking in so much money. That
being said… I kind of didn't like this movie 'Transformers:
Age of Extinction'. And 'Revenge of the Fallen'.
And Dark of the Moon'. And Armageddon. And Pearl
Harbor. And Bad Boys II'. But I did see them all,
even though I didn't like them, which could be one reason why
his movies make all this money. But notice how the first
Transformers movie, 'Bad Boys', 'The Rock' and The Island
aren't on that list, because I actually kind of didn't hate
those movies... but this one? You're killing me over
here Michael Bay.
So the aftermath of the events in
'Transformers 3' has become this realities version 9-11 with
the cry being 'Remember Chicago!' since so many perished
during the Decepticon onslaught… but alas our saviors have
become the hunted as there is effort to eradicate all
Transformers from our planet. Spearheading this
initiative is jerkoff CIA operative Attinger (Kelsey Grammer)
who is working
with some
crazed Transforming bounty hunter to hunt down Autobots in a
wacky tech for Autobot trade. Plus, one of the reasons
that we don't really need Autobots anymore is because
industrialist Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci) has kind of figured
out a way to make his own Transformers, only better.
Kind of. Of course these better Transformers are
based on the brainwaves of the crazy evil Megatron, but I'm
sure nothing bad can happen because of that.
Our main human of interest is inventor Cade Yaeger (Mark
Wahlberg), a single dad with a not-quite-legal daughter that
our director insists on shooting at angles that makes me very,
very uncomfortable. Anyway, there is one missing Autobot
that our Transformer hunters absolutely need to bring in to
get their fresh tech, this being Optimus Prime (voiced by
Peter Cullen), and gosh if Cade didn't just accidentally buy a
beatup old heavy rig from some junk yard or something.
Eventually this rig reveals itself as Optimus, and adventure
kicks in like crazy! On two continents, ending up in
China. Our humans, Optimus and a few of his remaining
Autobots must avoid insane human agents, a crazed bounty
hunter, Megatron has evolved into something called Galvatron…
with the worst enemy of all waiting… rampant Product
Placement! Explosions will ensue. Releasing shiny
cans of tasty Bud Light.
Man… this movie was exhausting. Dang near three hours of
explosions and shootouts and robot transformations and car
chases… combined with some really cool actors like Stanley
Tucci and Titus Welliver and Kelsey Grammer doing some stuff…
combined with some very attractive young people playing
various cardboard cutouts of real people… combined with a
legitimate movie star in Marky Mark doing some other
stuff. Combined with shiny blue cans of tasty Bud
Light. Exhausting I tell you.
Now I can safely tell you, that for me personally, three hours
of exploding and transforming and dinobotting and continent
hopping and attractive young people playing cardboard cutouts
of real people didn't make for the best cinematic experience
for me. It was mind numbing. Almost soul crushing
for me actually. BUT… and this is critical here… I'm
getting old. I mean I am a little younger than the
director that's putting all of this nonsense together, a
director I'm almost certain has stopped trying to decipher the
difference between the words 'exposition' and 'explosion' and
has just combined them to mean the same thing… but I'm getting
old.
You see this movie is filled with lots of awesome-like
stuff. Just like the movies before it. Prime
riding a dinobot is pretty darned awesome. The
Transformer Lockdown, who was supposed to be our villain, was
pretty darned awesome too. I say 'supposed' because it
looked to me like Lockdown was just doing a job. Also,
watching some of the action sequences was pretty exciting, but
at the end of the day, three hours of explosions and suspect
characters was too much for this old man, but may be just
about right for a younger person.
If Mr. Bay could've trimmed a good hour off of this thing, and
lost the teenage girl and her boyfriend some kind of way
because they served no real purpose... I mean there was a
genuine, completely legal hot chick in the movie in Bingbing
Li the director could've exploited... I think we would've had
a much more manageable and enjoyable film for people to
endure. I mean enjoy. I even want him to keep the
product placement because I like Bud Light, and Burger King,
and Beats and Kingston and stuff.
But alas, I don't think anyone is going to be listening to me
anytime soon since a One Billion Dollars global take will make
a lot of people go deaf. Heck, I can't even hear myself
after saying that number. So Transformers 5 will no
doubt be bigger, dumber and more obnoxious... hopefully a
little less pervy... and eventually I'll see that as well,
which makes me as much a part of the problem as anyone.
