Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
For full disclosures sake, I really had no desire to see this movie, but then how can one enjoy an Honest Trailer for this movie if one doesn't actually see said movie?  True, suffering through 165 minutes just to appreciate five minutes worth of funny may seem short sighted… but is it really?  I don't think so.  Somehow, someway, I was getting some entertainment out of this.

I'm going to take just a few lines of this article to actively defend director Michael Bay a little bit.  The man is the object of a lot of derision and takes a lot of abuse it seems from critics and fans alike, and the word is that he is a bit prickly, but his movies do make money.  This thing is called 'Show Business' and by golly his business is good.  If I'm not mistaken, I believe he is only second to Steven Spielberg when it comes to a director and what the total gross is of the movies they've taken in.  Steven Freaking Spielberg.  So the man must be doing something right for his movies to be raking in so much money.  That being said… I kind of didn't like this movie 'Transformers: Age of Extinction'.  And 'Revenge of the Fallen'.  And Dark of the Moon'.  And Armageddon.  And Pearl Harbor.  And Bad Boys II'.  But I did see them all, even though I didn't like them, which could be one reason why his movies make all this money.  But notice how the first Transformers movie, 'Bad Boys', 'The Rock' and The Island aren't on that list, because I actually kind of didn't hate those movies... but this one?  You're killing me over here Michael Bay.

So the aftermath of the events in 'Transformers 3' has become this realities version 9-11 with the cry being 'Remember Chicago!' since so many perished during the Decepticon onslaught… but alas our saviors have become the hunted as there is effort to eradicate all Transformers from our planet.  Spearheading this initiative is jerkoff CIA operative Attinger (Kelsey Grammer) who is working
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with some crazed Transforming bounty hunter to hunt down Autobots in a wacky tech for Autobot trade.  Plus, one of the reasons that we don't really need Autobots anymore is because industrialist Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci) has kind of figured out a way to make his own Transformers, only better.  Kind of.   Of course these better Transformers are based on the brainwaves of the crazy evil Megatron, but I'm sure nothing bad can happen because of that.

Our main human of interest is inventor Cade Yaeger (Mark Wahlberg), a single dad with a not-quite-legal daughter that our director insists on shooting at angles that makes me very, very uncomfortable.  Anyway, there is one missing Autobot that our Transformer hunters absolutely need to bring in to get their fresh tech, this being Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen), and gosh if Cade didn't just accidentally buy a beatup old heavy rig from some junk yard or something.

Eventually this rig reveals itself as Optimus, and adventure kicks in like crazy!  On two continents, ending up in China.  Our humans, Optimus and a few of his remaining Autobots must avoid insane human agents, a crazed bounty hunter, Megatron has evolved into something called Galvatron… with the worst enemy of all waiting… rampant Product Placement!  Explosions will ensue.  Releasing shiny cans of tasty Bud Light.

Man… this movie was exhausting.  Dang near three hours of explosions and shootouts and robot transformations and car chases… combined with some really cool actors like Stanley Tucci and Titus Welliver and Kelsey Grammer doing some stuff… combined with some very attractive young people playing various cardboard cutouts of real people… combined with a legitimate movie star in Marky Mark doing some other stuff.  Combined with shiny blue cans of tasty Bud Light.  Exhausting I tell you. 

Now I can safely tell you, that for me personally, three hours of exploding and transforming and dinobotting and continent hopping and attractive young people playing cardboard cutouts of real people didn't make for the best cinematic experience for me.  It was mind numbing.  Almost soul crushing for me actually.  BUT… and this is critical here… I'm getting old.  I mean I am a little younger than the director that's putting all of this nonsense together, a director I'm almost certain has stopped trying to decipher the difference between the words 'exposition' and 'explosion' and has just combined them to mean the same thing… but I'm getting old. 

You see this movie is filled with lots of awesome-like stuff.  Just like the movies before it.  Prime riding a dinobot is pretty darned awesome.  The Transformer Lockdown, who was supposed to be our villain, was pretty darned awesome too.  I say 'supposed' because it looked to me like Lockdown was just doing a job.  Also, watching some of the action sequences was pretty exciting, but at the end of the day, three hours of explosions and suspect characters was too much for this old man, but may be just about right for a younger person. 

If Mr. Bay could've trimmed a good hour off of this thing, and lost the teenage girl and her boyfriend some kind of way because they served no real purpose... I mean there was a genuine, completely legal hot chick in the movie in Bingbing Li the director could've exploited... I think we would've had a much more manageable and enjoyable film for people to endure.  I mean enjoy.  I even want him to keep the product placement because I like Bud Light, and Burger King, and Beats and Kingston and stuff. 

But alas, I don't think anyone is going to be listening to me anytime soon since a One Billion Dollars global take will make a lot of people go deaf.  Heck, I can't even hear myself after saying that number.  So Transformers 5 will no doubt be bigger, dumber and more obnoxious... hopefully a little less pervy... and eventually I'll see that as well, which makes me as much a part of the problem as anyone.
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