I think I hate you Maverick Entertainment. I don’t hate you because you have chosen to distribute ‘The Watermelon Heist’, surely on the five worst movies I’ve ever seen and quite possibly THE most offensive movie I have ever seen. No, anybody could have picked up this trash so I don’t blame you for making it or releasing it. What I hate you for is making me sit through the trailers that kick of this DVD feature with absolutely NO WAY of skipping them or even fast forwarding through them. How in the HELL did you clowns find a way to disable my remote control? Because this movie was so gawdawful, it took me three days to watch it and each time I turned on my DVD player I had to sit through the extra long, extended trailer versions of ‘Da Block Party’ and ‘The Bahama Hustle’, two movies that I swear to you I’m never going to rent simply because I was FORCED to watch these trailers just to get to this awful, awful movie. Damn you Maverick, damn you.

John Amos stars in this minor disaster as Old Man Amos. You may ask yourself, is Big John getting so old that the characters he plays have to have his own name or he won’t respond to his lines? No sir, this is based on a ‘true story’ in the Amos family lexicon so Mr. Amos I believe is playing his grandfather. Regardless Old Man Amos is a hard working man who unfortunately lives next door to the Browns who are the antithesis of hard work as they sit in the front lawn and only check their mailboxes on the 1st and 15th of each month. The Browns are led by Nicodemus (Corey Holcomb) who has shortened his name to Nica, but actually prefers to be called ‘Nigga’. Yes, Nigga Brown, and he’s pretty damned insistent that folks call him that. The other members of the brown family are Numbers who talks in numbers, Horny who’s horny all the time and likes to hump the dirt, cars and lawn mowers, Whitey who thinks he’s white – hopefully this isn’t getting to complex - and twins Mercedes and Caprice. I should mention that part of the humor is that they don’t look anything alike. Mercedes, the back twin, is tall and has a big ‘ol butt, thus the term ‘back’, while Caprice the front twin is short and fair with a big ‘ol set of boobies.

Anyway apparently they haven’t paid property taxes in forty years and have received a notice that they owe 10,000 dollars in back taxes, which comes out to like 250 dollars a year in property taxes, which ain’t so bad, but they’re still getting thrown out of the house to Old Man Amos infinite delight. Nigga – I gotta call the man what he wants to be called – has determined it’s time for the family to get jobs so they move to the city to hang out with their pimpified cousin Junebug (Vincent Cook) and get jobs as dancing chickens. Please don’t ask me to explain. Unfortunately the Dancing Chickens get thrown in jail, for more reasons I also don’t care to explain, and realize they just aren’t going to make the needed funds. About an hour in to this movie I’m wondering where in the hell are the watermelons? Oh, finally some watermelons. Little did I know, Old Man Amos is a watermelon deliverer or something and there is a hair care company holding a contest in which whomever submits the nicest watermelon wins 25 thousand dollars – I kid you not. This will lead to the Browns needing to steal a championship pedigree watermelon from Old Man Amos, who they think is responsible for them not getting a property tax notice in 40 years anyway, so they can win the watermelon loot and save their home.

One of the problems I usually have with some of these low budget black themed flicks is far to often the technical values are just rock bottom with bad sound, bad lighting, horrible acting, people on the box cover who aren’t in the flick – you name it. None of that was an issue with ‘The Watermelon Heist’ my friends. Nope… I could see… and hear… EVERYTHING. I could hear Nigga Brown force some poor white clerk to repeatedly yell out the word Nigger, I could see Nigga Brown piss on his grass and call himself watering it. I hear the Browns tell Old Man Amos to take his ‘Kunte Kinte Ass’ back to sleep before they take an axe and cut his foot in half. Of course John Amos played Kunte Kinte in ‘Roots’ and had his foot cut in half. HAR HAR HAR! I also got hear John Amos say ‘Dy-No-Mite!’.  Mind you, it is said that the man left ‘Good Times’ because of Jimmy Walker, and we also got to hear the Browns chant in unison ‘Damn, Damn Damn!’ which we all know what that represents. If you don’t, I can’t help you. There was so much low brow offensive ‘humor’ in this flick that is was staggering. I think director K.C. Amos, Big John’s baby boy, was going for satire here, but Good Lord did the brother miss the mark.

The only thing halfway watchable in this earthquake were the twins played by Shondrella Akesan and Monica Collier because they were good looking and they played off each other quite well. Otherwise, there is NOTHING to recommend here as the low brow humor didn’t even manage to be funny. What could be worse than watching offensive comedy, made by your own, that ain’t funny?

I admire John Amos for trying to help his son out so that he could get his movie released and get a leg up in the biz, but your debt is PAID IN FULL Mr. Amos, for real. You don’t owe your baby boy nothing else. K.C. can’t EVER say, ‘You never did nothing for me Dad’, because you have made close to the ultimate sacrifice for your child. And though we don’t know the boy, me and anybody else who have seen ‘The Watermelon Heist’ have made some considerable sacrifices as well. Believe that.