Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Each time I watch a previously unseen 1980's era Sword and Sorcery movie and I think I've seen them all, twenty more pop up.  WILL IT EVER END?  I sure hope not because we love crap sword and sorcery movies here at the FCU, and make no mistake about it, this festival of boobs from 1984 calling itself 'The Warrior and the Sorceress' is a crap sword and sorcery movie, but as we have stated on many an occasion… crap doesn't necessarily mean devoid of entertainment value.  True that. 

The stranger walks into the dusty town and in the horizon burns two suns.  So that lets me know that this probably isn't the planet Earth and since there are two suns the chances are it's hot a lot on this planet.  Who is this stranger?  He's listed in the credits as Kain, though this name is never used in this movie, as he will only be called 'The Dark One' by all involved and he is gloriously underplayed by the late David Carradine.  Or at least he's listed as having died back in 2009 which I have my doubts about because I'm writing this in late 2012 and David Carradine still has quite a few movies in various stages production.

So the stranger walks into town and as suspected it's hot and folks are thirsty and he's thirsty and there is only one water well being guarded by the inept guards of the scurrilous Zeg the Tyrant (the late Luke Askew).  Some stuff happens, The Dark One eviscerates these guards and now everybody in town can drink water which leads to mayhem, merriment and boobage. 

The Dark One freeing up the well pleases the other warlord in town, Balcaz the sneaky fat bastard (the late Guillermo Marin) who hires Kain to help him put down Zeg for
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good.  Problem being that Balcaz's right hand man… uh… right hand lizard has advised him to stab Kain in the back once the deed is done.  Walking, talking lizards cannot be trusted, this much I've learned.  Note that Balcaz the fat bastard was surrounded by boobs while discussing affairs with Kain. 

Where does the Sorceress come in during all of this?  Well she's always around…not doing much of anything related to sorcery.  Her name is Naja, she's played by actress Maria Socas and at some point during the production of this movie I'm sure she had to have asked director John C. Broderick if she could cover her boobs up.  He said 'hell no'.  Naja is being held captive by Zeg who needs her to do some sorcery stuff on a sword to make it awesome or something so he can rule the world or something.  I don't know.  I don't care.  Maria Socas is sprinting through town naked and I'm being distracted from the actual story in this movie which is a good thing.

And so it goes, The Dark One playing Zeg against Balcaz while stealing their gold talits and in his spare time setting the Sorceress free.  Or not.  He could care less about that even though I think she used to be his topless queen at some point.  Lame sword battles shall ensue and the sorcery will be far and few between.

As we have often stated here at the FCU, we vehemently oppose the use of gratuitous nudity in films as we have nothing but mad respect for our sisters and on the outset it would seem as if 'The Warrior and the Sorceress' is overflowing with gratuitous nudity… but not so fast my friends.  'Gratuitous' indicates 'not necessary' but I will have you know that every wayward titty in this somewhat slow moving low budget Argentinean epic was critical to moving the plot forward in this movie because if there were no titties, there would be no plot.  I don't think.  Maybe.  I forget. 

You see, this is the magic of the 'Warrior and the Sorceress'.  Yes, David Carradine looked bored to death and seemed like he came on set after an eight hour bender at the local pub, sure the fight choreography consisted of no choreography whatsoever, and we can't argue that the sets were limited, the dialog was painful and the acting was suspect… but titties kept it all in motion in a relevant, cohesive way.  Take the classic scene featuring the four tittied dancer for instance, and might I add that her second pair of prosthetic titties looked amazingly authentic, and note that this was years before Verhoven and company thought of putting a three tittied woman in 'Total Recall'.  But this woman was a secret assassin to be used against The Dark One, but there was no way any old assassin could sneak up on him because he was too awesome… but a dancer with four titties?  Who would've thought a four tittied dancer could be dangerous?  I know I wouldn't have.  Clever and ingenious.  Note that Zeg softened Kain up for the four tittied dancer by having him witness the show featuring the regular tittied slave drowning.  Admittedly, it was a real lame show and this woman seemed far too hot to just allow her to drown to death… not that I'm saying that ugly chicks should drown to death instead… but narratively speaking it loosened Kain up for the assault that was the four tittied dancer.  And we've only begun to intellectually scratch the surface of the relevance of Maria Socas being naked throughout the entire movie.  Right now I have nothing as far as presenting this relevance, but give me some time and I should be able to make up something. 

So there you go.  While on the surface 'The Warrior and Sorceress' may look like a poorly crafted, slow moving, lazy sword and sorcery movie, it's actually a social treatise on how awesome boobs are.  And who are we to argue with sociology?
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