Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
So I had just seen 'The Thing with Two Heads' starring old timer and former Academy Award Winner, the late Ray Milland, and I knew Ray had made some really bad movies in his later years but I was pretty sure that I had seen the worst of those in 'The Thing with Two Heads'.  Imagine my shock and sadness to find out that I was wrong.  No sir, near the very end Ray showed up in this film, director Armando D'Ossorio's 1984 crapt-epic, 'The Sea Serpent'.   Ray would pass away not too long after this movie, and while I'm not going to lay the blame on 'The Sea Serpent' for killing Ray Milland, I mean the man was 81 years old, but I don't think it helped.

Some U.S. pilots are doing some nuke testing over some ocean.  That in itself is pretty odd, but even odder, at least to me, was that one of the fighter pilots was Jamaican.  Now I'm not saying that Jamaican's can't fly jets and stuff, it just seemed strange to see a Jamaican dropping nukes over some ocean.  Apparently the Ruskies are aware of our test so our pilots have to dump and detonate the nuke in the ocean.  Yes, this seems like the absolute height of irresponsibility, but we had to wake up the sea serpent somehow, and now he's up and he's hungry.  Now I seriously can't recommend that anybody see this movie, but dear God in Heaven is the sea serpent awesome!  I mean it's like the worst designed monster in any monster movie ever.  Yongary can finally rest easy now. 

Now we meet our films star as played by Timothy Bottoms, whom I'm told looked to have a bright career in front of him at one point.  Oh well.  Today Mr. Bottoms is Pedro Fontan because nothing says 'Spanish National' like watching Timothy Bottoms in a skull cap.  Pedro is the shamed captain of a fishing boat… do you understand this…he's the shamed captain of a freaking fishing boat!  No one wants to let this guy steer a boat to catch fish.  He's a loser like no other, this guy.  Nonetheless, the owner has no choice but to let Pedro do his thing because there are no other captains available.  Also note that this boat lost its first catch because the fish were glowing.  Apparently that's bad. 
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Sure enough, Pedro's boat is attacked by the sea serpent and most everybody dies except for Pedro and Linares (Jared Martin) who hates Pedro because he killed his brother.  Kind of.  Not really.  We're not going to get into it.  And Linares didn't see no gatdamn monster!  Pedro is taken to trial and now the world's most pathetic fish boat captain isn't even allowed to do that mundane task anymore.

Next we meet Margaret (Taryn Power) who's at the casino with her lousy friend who is gambling all of Margaret's money away.  Then this friend jumps in a boat and is eaten by the awesome sea serpent.  Margaret saw this, plain as day, but sea monsters don't exist so they put her in the looney bin.  Mental note:  Spaniards will put you in the looney bin for almost no reason.

Pedro has discovered Margaret and logically figures that she can support his story.  Make sense, because people often listen to lunatics locked away in sanitariums.  But where's Ray Milland?  Well, after Pedro breaks Margaret out of the crazy joint, we need to speak to a sea monster expert, and that would be Dr. Wallace.  Dr. Wallace believes these loons and he has a plan.  Better yet, even Linares is on board because he saw the sea serpent eat a homeless dude.  What's up with that Sea Serpent?  Now Dr. Wallace's plan, as far monster killing plans go… is terrible.  In fact, and this is spoiler, it totally doesn't work.  At all.  The sea serpent just goes away, with Dr. Wallace theorizing that it will probably show up in Brazil someplace in couple of weeks and terrorize them instead.  This is followed by Pedro and Margaret running down the beach kicking up water in happy joy.  Then the credits roll.  Now I get that they're happy and all that the monster is gone, that's cool, but maybe somebody should place a collect call to Brazil and let them know they got issues coming their way.  I'm just saying.

I saw this one for free on You Tube, and I think it's totally legal since it would've been long taken down by now, but it is still there.  So if you want to see it… just throwing that out there.  The thing is, while this movie is absolutely awful from its first frame to the bitter last frame, horrible acting, horrible voice dubbing, terrible pacing, and special effects that seemed closer to 1924 than 1984, but the monster was so devastatingly awesome that its existence alone almost makes this must see TV.  In fact, the sea serpent might just be my favorite movie monster ever.  Gamera is weeping somewhere, but Gamera wasn't made from socks, ping pong balls, spray paint and broken glass.  And they built close to a life size version of this thing, at least big enough so people could fit in its mouth.  Somewhere on the planet Earth that monster is in a warehouse, and I'm looking forward to bidding on it.

We watch a lot of bad movies here at the FCU, by design no less, and you will be hard pressed to find one worse than 'The Sea Serpent'… but that monster… oh… I gotta have it.
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