A few months
back we gave thanks to the Direct to Video / Video on Demand
gods for giving us the dream pairing of Steven Seagal and
Stone Cold Steve Austin in the awesome action epic 'Maximum
Conviction'. Of course we qualified that word 'awesome'
by noting that my definition might be a little different from
yours. Here we are again, and I don't about your VOD
gods but my VOD gods love me something fierce, and they have
blessed us with another dream pairing with Stone Cold, this
time hanging out with Dolph Lundgren. Of course, the
sliding scale of awesome still applies, but this one fell
somewhat below my sliding scale, tumbling into the rock solid
scale we call mediocrity. If you were to ask me, that
is.
Tommy (Stone Cold) is a fairly common, well dressed thug who
goes around beating up dudes who don't pay mobster Big Doug
(Eric Keenleyside) his money. But Tommy is a good guy,
only doing this thing to pay off the debts of his malcontent,
imprisoned brother Eddie (Lochlyn Munroe) and to make for a
better life for he and his long legged, incredibly fit wife
Darla (Kristen Kerr).
Then one day Big Doug summons Tommy for a job. Deliver a
package to a mysterious cat known only as The German (Dolph),
and while Tommy would rather not do this thing as he and this
German have a bit of a spotty history, the payoff is that all
of Tommy's sorry brother's debts will paid once this package
is delivered.
Easy enough, right? So Tommy and
his partner head on off to deliver this thing, and damn if
they won't make it to their destination. We're not going
to be worried about the partner too much in this equation, but
Tommy has now run into some hardcore mercenaries who are
trying to
peel his bald cap off with bullets while attempting to secure
this package. Tommy barely makes his escape, but the
head merc (Darren Shahlavi) is a little upset that his bosses
didn't give him full disclosure on Tommy's heightened level of
badassery. Just look at the guy. That should've
been proof enough.
After that unfortunate event Tommy would like to just back out
of delivering this package, but Big Doug convinces him that
his options are limited in this situation and the job goes
on. Only thing is Tommy has every manner of thug and
criminal and low life on his tail to take this package off of
his hands, and then there's The German who is on the
sidelines, slitting throats and watching people die while
awaiting delivery.
What exactly is in this package? Don't know exactly but
every once in a while the German will cough, and if one coughs
in a movie then one is dying. This much we know, and
that means this package has something to do with that.
It's a little wacky once it all shakes out, but there it
is. Eventually two large men will be punching each other
in the face. Or more accurately, from what I saw, Steve
Austin will be punching Dolph Lundgren's body double in the
face. Regardless, that's really all we're waiting for at
this point.
'The Package' was directed by one Jesse V. Johnson, a young
man who has made a number of low budget action films that I'm
fond of. In fact, if you had told me beforehand we had
Dolph and Stone cold being guided by the steady hand of Jesse
V. Johnson, I'd lay even money that we would have a film I'm
almost guaranteed to enjoy. Thus is the genesis of my
ultimate disappointment with this one as it didn't completely
bring the goods home on almost any level… action, story… with
the strong point in the whole exercise probably being… damn…
the acting. I know, right?
The thing is, I was sitting there waiting for this film to
really get going, but it only manages to go in fits and
spurts. Far be it for me to decry a film for spending
time to develop its characters, but I'm not too sure I needed
these characters clearly defined to enjoy the movie.
Tommy spending quiet time with his wife was sweet and all, and
I guess we are a little relieved that the pretty woman wasn't
taken hostage as what tends to happen to all pretty women
attached to the hero in a movie like this, but watching Stone
Cold emoting feelings of love isn't exactly what most of us
signed on for. And since she wasn't taken hostage and
didn't get naked, I am kind of wondering why she was even in
the movie in the first place. Even the scenes with his
brother felt as if we could've done without them as it
provided only opportunities for Stone Cold to emote some
more. And it's not that Steve is bad at it, but he's not
good at it either.
What is he good at? Pretending to punch people in the
face, that's what, but even the action wasn't as crisp or as
well executed as I would expect from a JVJ joint starring
Stone Cold and Dolph Lundgren.
Our FCU calculated theorem of expectant results were just a
little higher for 'The Package' than your average
run-of-the-mill low budget VOD action feature… my fault for
placing these expectations on this film… but still, 'The
Package' was painfully maudlin and mediocre, when I was
expecting just a little bit more.
