I'm a kid watching ancient reruns of the
1950's TV show 'The Lone Ranger' and my uncle, the esteemed…
you know… I probably shouldn't say his name since he's
semi-famous in the circles he runs in and probably doesn't
want his colleagues to be aware of his myriad of youthful
indiscretions. Anyway, my uncle stopped and said 'Hey,
you know what Kemosabe means?' According to my uncle,
it's Indian for Stupid M.F. He actually pronounced the
words and didn't say M.F. The thing is, if you watch the
show or watch the movie and simply substitute Stupid M.F. at
anytime Tonto says Kemosabe… it makes total sense. Lone
Ranger… 'Let's take them Tonto!' Tonto… 'No… Them many
bad men… Stupid M.F.' See? It works. Well I
just saw this HUGE new movie… a quarter BILLION dollars huge,
'The Lone Ranger'. Guess who's being called Kemosabe
right now? Yes, that would be me.
Armie Hammer is John Reid, a hard working, pacifist, District
Attorney on a train ride from here to there. Also on
this train is the cannibal scalawag Butch Cavendish (William
Fitchner) being carted off to the gallows for a hanging, but
chained next to him is the war painted Native American Tonto
(Johnny Depp). The Texas Rangers are awaiting delivery
of Cavendish, but his crew has already plotted the break out
and the train is attacked. Thing is Tonto figured as
much and was only on the train to get close to Cavendish to
end his life for crimes against humanity, but alas his plan is
thwarted by the goodie two-shoes nincompoop John Reid.
Ultimately Cavendish escapes, mainly due to Reid's gross
incompetence, and Tonto is not happy.
Sifting through the nonsense of this movie, eventually Reid's
brother and head Texas Ranger Dan (James Badge Dale) heads up
a posse of his men to find Cavendish. He takes his
brother along, even though he refuses to carry a gun.
They're ambushed, everybody is killed, John is mortally
wounded but chosen by the spirit horse, via Tonto, to be
resurrected and become a great warrior to avenge all wrongs.
The problem is that John doesn't believe in
any of this rigmarole. I mean he's truly a
non-believer. In fact in the movie that runs a whopping
two and a half hours, John Reid doesn't full become the Lone
Ranger until the hour and fifty five minute mark. I was
clocking it. I mean he wears the mask on occasion and
will pull out his gun with his shaky aim, but he doesn't
resign himself that he's the Lone Ranger, the title of this
movie, until the two hour mark. Only the TV show
Smallville has a longer origin story featuring a dude destined
to become the hero we know he has to be.
While we wait for this to happen, there is a lot of stuff to
see and do. John longs for his dead brothers wife (Ruth
Wilson), there's a railroad executive to deal with (Tom
Wilkinson) who we know is up to no darn good, There's a
madwoman who has a gun embedded in her wooden leg (Helena
Bonham Carter), there's a tragic Tonto back story to sift
through, there's the slaughter of Native Americans coupled
against the backdrop of slapstick… but mostly we just sit
there absolutely hating the ninny John Reid. Or maybe
that was just me.
I'm no movie executive, I have no skills in this arena and
I've never made a movie. Well, there was that short film
a few years back about how to behave in a porno store… but
we'll ignore that for now. My point is… surely somebody
along the chain of command must've thought 250 million dollars
and 2.5 hours is a bit much for a character who was shelved
long before most everybody who they want to watch this movie
was even alive? Including me, and I'm not a young
guy. Every once in a while, you watch a film and just
wish they would've played it straight. Kept it
simple. Didn't show us 'what they could do'.
I realize Gore Verbinski directed and he, at least in his
current persona, makes big obnoxious movies, but this was a
holy mess, and it totally didn't have to be that way.
Armie Hammer was a fine choice to play the Lone Ranger.
He fits. He's a tall, good looking, deep voiced, strong
chinned white guy. Perfect. But the way the
character was written, John Wayne himself couldn't have saved
the Lone Ranger. Then there was Johnny Depp who I think
pulled out everything in his stocked acting arsenal while
playing Tonto, to save this movie. Sometimes it actually
worked, but the movie was such a mishmash of stuff, I mean
this movie had demonic bunny rabbits for goodness sakes, that
most of the time Poor Johnny was stuck looking at the sky with
his arms open appearing to say 'Why am I here?' He did
that more than once in this movie. I'm thinking it was
the money Johnny.
So the movie had some spectacular action sequences, I mean 250
mil should buy you at least that, and it had some inspired
casting, but imagine a movie that cost 150 million dollars
less, ran fifty minutes shorter, and played like a traditional
western while sticking closer to the legend. I know that
would mean no cannibal bad guys, no one legged whores, no
vampire bunnies, a bare minimum of slapstick and it was would
also mean we'd have a hero who was ready to start avenging
wrongs fifteen minutes in as opposed to two hours in, but that
would've made for a movie a better I think. I know
Keeping It Simple isn't sexy and somebody is going to have a
helluva write off at years end, but sometimes, with some
stories, Keeping it Simple works best. But I'm no movie
executive so what the heck do I know? Relax Will
Smith. There's now a modern movie Western out there
worst than 'Wild, Wild, West'.
