I have this boy who lives at my house who keeps calling me ‘daddy’ and eating my food and at the time I’m writing this he’s thirteen years old. He’s a bright boy with a very bright future but unfortunately he’s traveling down a slippery slope. I slip in the DVD for Maverick Entertainment’s film ‘The Locator 2: Braxton Returns’ and the film opens amidst some suspect action, incredibly fake looking muzzle flashes and actors who apparently skipped the acting class on how to die properly when getting shot in a movie. I quickly make the move to eject the disk. You see the boy was cracking up with belly laughter while this suspect action was going and guessing that this was probably as good as the movie was going to get I figured we would try to find something that the family would find more entertaining. Then the boy starts howling in protestation, begging me to let the movie play out. My heart dropped. While it is painfully clear that I suffer from a sickness that makes me watch anything at anytime, I was praying that my child would not be afflicted with this illness that I possess. Sadly it looks as if my boy is destined for a life of cinematic pain and sorrow, just like his old man, and it’s all your fault Andre Buckner.

Braxton is Back! We missed the first Locator flick so we don’t know exactly where he returned from but there he is. After the opening action sequence Braxton goes to meet his girl who I guess he saved from something in the first movie, and he also meets his girl’s bootylicous friend who will be staying with the couple for a while. Braxton gets a call from his former CIA handler, some dude named Sykes or something who wants Braxton back in the game. Braxton doesn’t want back in and kicks Sykes kung-fu enabled right hand man’s ass and the proceeds to go back to his main business of Locating.

So Braxton is hired by this strange dude to find some chick. I gotta tell you that Braxton’s Locator skills don’t seem all they great since they consist of walking up to folks, showing them a picture and asking them ‘Hey, have you seen this person?’. If that’s all it takes to be Locator then all of us can be Locator’s. Anyway it seems this

strange dude has other plans for Braxton because the next thing you know Braxton’s girl is kidnapped, stuck in this strange dudes basement, tied to a chair and cruelly not allowed to put on any makeup. What a monster. This dude hates Braxton for reasons we won’t divulge, mainly because I forgot, and has setup a series of tasks for Braxton to perform or he will kill Braxton’s girl in addition to blowing up the city or something. Can Braxton save his girl, save his city and stop this freedom hating dude from doing whatever it is he wants to do? Will you even care?

If we were to tell you that ‘The Locator 2: Braxton Returns’, written, directed, produced and starring Andre Buckner was anything other than a terrible movie we would be lying to you, and I would never lie to you my friends, at least not that often. The acting is amateurish, the story telling is sloppy, the editing is even sloppier and this sloppy story we were just telling you about makes absolutely no sense most of the time. ‘The Locator 2’ is a terrible, terrible movie. Are we clear on that? Even though is not my place to tell you good people what and what not to watch I am not sitting here recommending that you go out and see this movie. I am simply throwing this information into the universe because I will be spending the rest of this article telling why ‘The Locator 2: Braxton Returns’ is so freaking great.

First, as bad as this movie is, take into account that Andre Buckner probably had a budget that equated to the spare change in his couch and that is an admirable thing to accomplish. The character of Braxton probably has the best girlfriend in movie history. I mean she’s not all that hot but when her bootylicious buddy suggested that the three of them hookup for a little ménage a trios action… she was completely down with that. Best Girlfriend Ever. The evil dude had a bomb set go off in a park guarded by a couple of goons with their one job being to look out for Braxton. This was awesome because you would think that the goons wouldn’t want to be that close to a ticking time bomb, stuck right between them, which their crazy boss could detonate at any moment, and the goons ‘on guard’ were completely oblivious to the large Black man sneaking up on them in a wide open city park. How sweet is that? Observe as Braxton tells his number one boy that the evil dude is out to kill all his buddies, then observe as the best friend, this information hot off the press, casually opens the front door that somebody politely knocks on and proceeds to get shot in the head. That my friends is high comedy right there. Remember that character Sykes the CIA handler? He got himself murdered early in the movie. Then watch as Braxton near the end starts yelling at Sykes on his cell phone for not doing something or another. The coup de grace had to be the final scene featuring an exploding Mercedes Benz that looked suspiciously like die-cast Hotwheel that been doused with lighter fluid. Eat your heart out ILM.

Yes, ‘The Locator 2: Braxton Returns’ is not exactly cinema’s high water mark but the greatest thing it did was bring my child a couple hours of joy. How can anybody hate on something that can accomplish that? I know I can’t.