There was a scene in the movie, ‘Last Hour’ where David Carradine paying a police detective was yelling at some other cop with the exclamation ‘THIS IS NOT A MOVIE!!!’ Kung Fu, I couldn’t agree with you more dog, because I don’t know WHAT the hell this was, but it wasn’t no gatdamn movie, that’s for sure. To note, when I saw the trailer for this on the Codeblack website, I was in. Sure, I’ll watch an art film, a RomCom or whatever but the clever criminal action flick is basically why I watch movies in the first place. It was with some anticipation that I looked forward to receiving my copy of ‘Last Hour’, but even if my expectations were that this flick would be merely crappy, this thing still would have fell FAR short of expectations.

I’m going to try and tell you what this thing was about in the next few sentences, but it will be quite the challenge because I’m not completely sure. The movie jumps around from different locales, way too many locales if you ask me, as we get introduced to our main characters. You know… the more I think about this flick, the less sense it makes and the madder I get. Anyway, Monk (Michael Madsen) is a hired assassin who’s in San Diego, Casino (the late Tony D’Amario) is some kind of mob boss in Las Vegas who beats up dudes with canes, Black Jack (DMX) is a jewel thief in Miami who steals some stuff and then takes off his mask while the police are looking at him so he can give them the finger. I should also mention that the Miami police uniforms look suspiciously like the French Police uniforms, complete with those silly hats with that stupid thick white stripe around the brim. What Shang (Kwong Leung Wong) is supposed to be, I haven’t a clue. I just know that he’s a kung fu master and has just beat up some dudes and taken their money. Poker (writer / director Pascal Caubet) is a poker player I think… or something… who shoots people.. or something. Lastly we have Poison (Bettina Antoni) who assassinates people by… well I’ll let you figure that out.

So each of the people, for whatever reason, gets a mysterious letter in the mail telling them to meet in this house in Beijing. So off they go into this place and it looks like they are trapped and can’t get out. Without warning Kung Fu shows up with his sexy partner Rosa (Monica Cruz) in tow and starts shooting at these criminals in this impenetrable house. Oh, it’s not so impenetrable as the windows open and there’s a door upstairs. Also there is a mysterious assassin in the house killing our crew of criminals for some reason or another. Then some other stuff happens and the movie kind of… man, I don’t know… I just don’t know…

Something went terribly wrong with this movie. I’m not talking about the final product which is damn near unwatchable but during the shoot something had to have happened which made this film incomplete. There’s no other explanation for what eventually made it to DVD because after it goes off you will be asking yourself, ‘Did I miss something? Did I leave the room or fall asleep? What just happened here?’ Tony D’Amario died three years ago, but I don’t think that was an issue since it seemed his scenes were complete, but this does inform us that this flick sat around for three years for some reason, and it wasn’t like they were working on the editing or making this better in that time. The movie is in English but not all of the actors speak English so there was this awful dubbing for a large number of the actors with the voices sounding like the were coming from outside the TV set. The narrative was so jumbled and confused that I’m almost certain that certain scenes didn’t get filmed.

An early scene has two dead gunmen in a car with a little girl, It’s possible that this little girl is Poison’s daughter, but it’s never connected in any way for us to be sure. Also early on Kung Fu and his sexy partner are In New York, where they reside, and they talk to some witness they have to take to the stand the next day, and his face is shielded as to intimate his identity is a secret but then the next thing we now Kung Fu and his sexy partner are in Beijing shooting at a house, why in the hell they’re in China is way beyond me. Eventually after a load of confusion and noise I think we get to the reason why these guys are in this house, maybe… but then no... because… I don’t know man, I just don’t know.

The performances in this thing were atrocious, with Mr. Blonde leading the way reading his lines as if they were plastered on a wall thirty feet away, or trying to do a really bad Christopher Walken impersonation with his halts and stops in his speech. DMX, who in my opinion is one of the best working acting rappers this side of Mos Def, was irritating as hell and probably should have been shot by his other housemates the minute he walked into the crib, and the rest of the actors either struggled with their English or had the worst dubbing voice actors ever. Only Kung Fu didn’t completely embarrass himself in this, looking like Sir Lawrence of Olivier compared to the others in this mess.

There is no way that this is a finished movie. No Way. I have to believe that this film either ran out of loot, or was in litigation and the producers had to get some money back somehow, someway and thus padded this garbage with scenes that would have normally been deleted in order to make it to a decent length. Easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, ever.