Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So here’s my issue with the story of Adam and Eve.  God tells these guys that they can do whatever they want, and He informs Adam he’s the ruler of all the earth and everything on it.  Cows, pigs and chickens may be thinking this is a raw deal, but the Lord has spoken.  Recognize, Adam and Eve, that up until a few minutes ago you guys were just dirt so this man is obviously the real deal and as such His Word should be listened to.  The only rule these two morons have to follow is NOT to eat from the Tree of Life.  One little lousy rule.  Now’s here’s my problem.  Satan shows up, he didn’t descend because dude has been long cast out of heaven, and in the guise of a freaking serpent tells Eve to eat from the tree and SHE DOES IT!  It’s a snake Eve.  I might understand if it was something cute, say like a Koala bear, or a squirrel.  The little Koala bear said it was cool to eat from the tree, and look how cute he is, so he wouldn’t steer me wrong.  But no, it was snake.  Exactly how did that work for Adam?  Surely he asked Eve ‘Girlfriend, God told us not to do this. Why are you eating that juicy, succulent pear?’  Eve would have had to say ‘Cause he told me too.’ then Adam would asked, ‘You mean that slimy, scaly thing in the tree with it’s eyes on the side of it’s head and the slithering forked tongue?’  Eve would have had to reply ‘Yup’.  To which Adam would have had to say ‘Cool!  Pass me one of those will ya.’  Because of this phenomenal, historical, catastrophic lapse in judgment, the rest of us have to suffer until time itself ends.

What in the world does the have to do the price of tea in China you may ask?  Not a damn thing, but I do like ramble.  Actually, this brings us to our latest film, IDT entertainment’s ‘The Garden’ which I believe is the story of the redemption of man?  Maybe?

Sam (Adam Taylor Gordon) is a twelve year old boy who has visions and hallucinations so severe that he needs to be institutionalized.  He is released to the custody of his recovering alcoholic divorced father David (Brian Wimmer) and the two head home back to his mother.  Sam has apparently spent the summer with his dad, though most of that time was spent in a mental ward.  On the way home, the two have a car accident caused by Sam grabbing the wheel to avoid hitting some dead guy that only Sam can see.  Yes, apparently Sam sees dead people.  They are rescued from the crash by old man Zachary (Lance Henrickson) a riddle spouting, weird old dude who is always offering the alcoholic dad a drink.  Turns out Zachary needs a little help around his barn and hires Dad.  Sam knows something’s not quite right with this setup and wants to go home, but dad convinces him it’s all good.  Turns out Zachary is a little stranger than first imagined.  Turns out Zachary is Satan.  He kills people and stitches their mouths shut, including Sam’s Doctor who stopped by to check on him.  Seems Zachary has the ‘Tree of Life’ on his little property in Montana, or Idaho or wherever and needs somebody human to eat from it to reverse the prophecies of revelations.  If you know the book, then you know not much good comes to Satan at the end of this book, so some alterations would be beneficial to the man.  Zachary has chosen Sam’s dad to seal the deal and eat from the tree and now it’s up to Sam to show his father the love and save humanity, or something.

This was one boring confusing holy mess of movie right here folks.  I’m not sure if it was a horror movie, since it did have dead people showing up in mirrors and an axing here and there, or maybe it was a religious drama with Satan tempting everybody, or actually he just tempting one guy.  And he was tempting the man with free drink and cheap free dirty sex which should work on just about anybody.

The film was just way to inconsistent along with being incoherent.  Satan needs somebody to eat from the tree of life to reverse revelations.  One may also wonder how the tree made it from Bethlehem to Montana, but we’ll let that slide.  Now I understand in a world of only two people, that it may have been difficult to trick somebody into tasting the fruit (then again, obviously not – a serpent for the love of God) but in today’s world?  I don’t think Satan would have to work nearly as hard as he did back in the day to convince somebody take a little nibble.  There is also an issue with this sword of fire that protects this ‘Tree of Life’ in Idaho.  It will slice anybody down that tries to eat it, but Satan has a daughter (don’t ask) he’s been training to ‘draw the sword to her’ when the time is right.  How or why this is supposed to work isn’t explained to us, as I assume we’re just supposed to accept it as fact.  You won’t.  Soon Zachary jumps on a horse along with the other Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, which I guess makes five horsemen now, and they do the devil, which must be a hidden scripture in the bible somewhere.

Sadly, ‘The Garden’ starts out as boring and descends from there to the ridiculous.  This wasn’t a low budget production either as it was filmed and lit beautifully and the performances, especially Lance Henrickson as Zachary the ‘lil devil were mostly very good.  This one was done by script, script, script and generally poor direction.  Too bad as it seemed it had some potential.

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