Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Iím telling you man, these horror filmmakers have got to do something about these horror movies theyíre making. In particular the first act. A couple of days I peeped in on the movie ĎKill Theoryí which basically started with us watching a bunch of attractive twenty somethings and a fat guy travel to some out of the way place and painfully interact with each other while we patiently waited for them to hurry up and start dying. Once they started dying I thought the movie got infinitely better, but dealing with the characters was a psychologically damaging to experience. We quickly followed that up with this movie ĎThe Forgotten Onesí which features a group of attractive twenty somethings and a fat guy traveling to some out of the way place and painfully interacting with each other while we patiently sat there and suffered waiting for them to hurry up and start dying. Again, once they finally get to dying things improve markedly but my GOD was waiting for them to die painful. I donít know what you guys have to do, I donít know how you cats are going to do it because I donít know jack about making movies, but you gotta to do something to mix up these first acts of these movies of yours. Something, anything, Iím seriously on my knees begging you.

So our kids are on a boat ride to some tropical location and they include Liz (Jewel Staite) who has Final Girl written all over her, her charming unfaithful asshole of a boyfriend Peter (Justin Baldoni), the bitchy gold digging Lauren (Nikki Griffin), her wealthy and overweight boyfriend Ira (Marc Bacher) who looks like heís going to be our ĎWe All Gonna Die Guyí in this movie and lastly thereís Jake (Kellen Lutz). Now we question why Jake is even along for the ride since this appears to be a boat ride for couples with Jake being passenger number five and thus makes him an odd number which also means he has no woman. Compounding our confusion is that the bitchy Lauren is Jakeís ex-girlfriend and has abandoned the man for the fat Ira which only serves to complicate things further in a rather unnecessary way. Usually when I watch a horror flick with the odd numbered dude hanging around itís a minority, but hereÖ I donít know. I guess getting Jake a girlfriend wasnít in the budget.

Anyway, boyfriend Peter apparently canít guide a boat to save his life and the next thing you know our kids have beached on a deserted island. Normally this wouldnít be an issue but we saw earlier where some missionaries back in 1923 were eaten by some creatures on this island and unless theyíve died off in the last 85 years trouble lies ahead. Sure enough, before you can say Ďthree hour tourí, crazed beastly humanoid cannibals are leaping from trees snatching people off their feet and getting down with some fresh meat. Things are looking rather bleak for our kids who Iím thinking arenít going to make it but things are looking especially dour for our girl Liz because apparently the leader of this crew of cannibals doesnít seem to want to eat her. At least not in the classic sense of the word. Good luck with pleasing that dude Liz.

To be honest with you people, this movie is almost unreviewable. I donít mean to say that ĎThe Forgotten Onesí is so bad that there are no words to describe it. If only that were the case. Nor is it so good that there isnít anything praise worthy we can say that could do this mediocre masterpiece of modern cinema justice. The problem is that there is almost nothing in this movie to attack and equally so, thereís almost nothing to praise. It just kind of exists and you watch it just like that. The setup as we pointed out is a retread of a thousand other movies before it, the cast was more than adequate for what they were required to do in this movie, the action sequences when our kids started dying were okay and the resolution of to this dire situation was a little out there as far as resolutions go but it wasnít something that was eye popping nor was it vomit inducing. It was just there.

I did say there was almost nothing to praise but only almost because I did like the way director Jorg Ihle filmed those dudes in the monster suits jumping from tree to tree because that looked real and Iím guessing those people in those suits have to be some kind of athletic to pull off that illusion, plus the monster suits did look pretty cool.

But thatís really about it. Thereís nothing here to greatly recommend or to throw darts at and that is absolutely no fun for me. If you canít get enough of young pretty white kids and a fat guy in peril without the benefit of cell phone reception then this movie ĎThe Forgotten Onesí should be number 100,854 in your collection. I got nuthiní for you outside of that.

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