The following we are told is a direct transcription from an government tax operative who hid a tape recorder into the coat pocket of one Wesley Snipes as he was entering a non-descript L.A. building to confab with his therapist. We at the FCU are unable to vouch to authenticity or validity of this transcript, but being as how we are wildly irresponsible, we gleefully reprint it for all to enjoy.
Therapist: Hello Wesley, how have you been?
Wesley: Is that some kind of joke? Are you trying to be funny?
Therapist: No Wesley, it’s just what people say, bring it down. I see you haven’t been doing the breathing exercises. Obviously something has you upset. Let’s talk about it. I see your back from Romania after making another cheap quickie Direct-to-Video action flick.
Wesley: I don’t always make these movies in Romania Doc. Take my latest masterpiece, ‘The Contractor’. This one was made in Bulgaria. So there.
Therapist: I’m still sensing some hostility…
Wesley: Well Doc, do you think that perhaps it’s because of your white racist’s governments attempt to extort over twelve million dollars in unpaid taxes from my ass?
Therapist: Well Wesley, we are all required to pay our taxes and you have made quite a bit of money from your various film…
Wesley: Not surprising coming from a white racist…
Therapist: Actually I’m Eastern Indian but…
Wesley: Yeah I think your cousin drove me over here in his cab…
Wesley: Okay, that was uncalled for… breathe….
Therapist: Tell me about this movie… ‘The Contractor’.
Wesley: Doc! The Contractor is completely off the chizzle! I know I’ve made some real DTV stinkers in the past…
Therapist: Such as…
Wesley: Come on doc…
Therapist: Admitting the problem is the first step in fixing it Wesley.
Wesley: (sigh) The Marksman, Seven Seconds, The Detonator, Liberty Stands Still, Zig Zag, Blade II, Blade III, Hard Luck…
Therapist: Hard Luck wasn’t so bad actually.
Wesley: Yeah but Mario Van Peebles that Mutha F..
Wesley: ‘The Contractor’… Okay I play James Dial, a crack sharpshooter for ‘The Agency’ who has retired to raise horses in Montana. But you know how they do, my handler from the old days makes a journey up to my ranch to inform me that this terrorist I let get away is eventually caught and being transported to a new location. We know that if he makes it to this new location he’ll be able to run his organization from prison, and we ain’t having none of that, so they dispatch me to London to take him out.
Therapist: I thought this was shot in Budapest?
Wesley: Bulgaria. You could make Bulgaria look like Compton if you wanted to. Anyway, I put an 80 caliber slug in that fools dome but my escape route goes haywire and now I’m trapped in London with the whole of Scotland Yard looking for my ass. Fortunately I have this twelve year old little white girl who is helping me…
Wesley: It provides contrast and exposes my tender paternal underbelly. Think ‘The Professional’. So the cops are my tail, my handlers are REALLY hot to kill me since this is one of those jobs that ‘doesn’t exist’ and the only thing standing between me and certain death are my mad skills and this twelve year old little white girl.
Therapist: So honestly Wesley, how would you rate ‘The Contractor’? Be honest.
Wesley: Hey, I know after ‘The Detonator’ folks thought that I’d done and gone Seagal on them, but ‘The Contractor’ is pretty entertaining stuff. For real. Director Josef Rusnak, who under my close supervision kept the action moving, the dialog reasonably crisp, and even though I’m like the ultimate badass and you know I’m not going to die, the tension was reasonably high too. You know how it looked like I was sleepwalking through those last couple of movies, like I really didn’t want to be there even though they were paying me millions?
Therapist: Oh yes…
Wesley: Well, I do that here too, but it actually works for the character I play as he’s tired, beaten and worn down.
Therapist: So your crappy performances in those last few films were simply method training for your performance is this one?
Wesley: We’re right here me and you Doc. Plus I have a decent cast to work with for a change unlike those sorry mutha f..
Wesley: Sorry. Charles Dance is in this movie, Masterpiece Theater and shit you know? Eliza Bennett plays the little white girl and kids got some talent, Plus Lena Headey is also in this flick. You know, from ‘300’? Hot!
Therapist: You don’t say? Were you two able to form some kind a relationship?
Wesley: I’m sorry Doc, does that woman look Asian to you? Please. Besides I’m still trying to recover from the Urban Myth that I’m the one who went upside Halle Berry’s head and made her deaf in one ear.
Therapist: That wasn’t you? Are you sure? Because I had heard…
Therapist: My deepest apologies Wesley. So it seems as if with ‘The Contractor’ that you’re staging a mini comeback of sorts with a halfway decent, competently directed, well acted action flick. Congratulations my friend.
Wesley: Comeback? I ain’t gone no damn place.
Therapist: Well that’s all the time we have for today Wesley, I have Isaiah Washington waiting for his two o’clock.
Wesley: Washington huh? Now that’s a brother who knows how f-up a career. Know what I’m saying?
Therapist: Yes Wesley, just remit to the receptionist on your way out.
Wesley: Yeah, the white racist government has your ‘remittance’ fool.