WWE and films.  Two words that I never really thought I’d ever see together, but there they are, and here we are as the World Wrestling Entertainment company, in association with Lionsgate films brings us ‘The Condemned’.  Lunacy.  Sheer lunacy. 

This one of the rare movies that I sit down in my plush seat without any idea what the damn thing is about, who’s in it, or who has made it since I didn’t get word of the screening until hours before the movie started so I’m in complete limbo.  So allow me to introduce you to TV producer Ian Breckel (Robert Mammone), a pompous, brash, aggressive jerk of a man who has gone and crafted the most genius of all reality TV shows.  He and his crew are on some island in the south pacific and have rounded up ten of the most vicious, wicked, insane death row condemned killers that he could find and has decided to drop them on the island so they can battle each other to the death.  The raping murderer who survives this thirty hour ‘Battle Royale’ will be set free with a boat load of cash.  Brilliant!  In one of the many, many brain dead incidents in this film, Ian has an interview on his island with the Diane Sawyeresque reporter Donna Soreno (Angile Milliken) who expresses disdain and disgust, calling this event basically a modern day, televised snuff film.  And Ian gets upset!  What in the hell did he think she was going to ask him?  Come on dude, this ain’t ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ for the love of God. 

Anyway, one of the criminalistic contestants gets shot before he can even make it to the island which forces Ian to get a replacement.  Fortunately for him there is this rather large, rather violent Anglo in some Venezuelan prison who is just perfect.  Not a lot of information is known about Jack Conrad (Stone Cold Steve Austin) except that he killed three people and blew up a building.  They haven’t told us yet, but I have a

feeling that this cat is really a stand up guy, probably secret ops or something.  Of course I know his story now, but this is what I was supposing before hand.  So they drop these 10 killers, with an explosive strapped to their ankles, in different parts of the island.  It is certainly a melting pot of criminals which includes an MI5 mercenary (Vinnie Jones), a Japanese kung-fu master, a dread locked south central gang banger, an Hispanic husband and wife freedom fighting duo, A Russian strongman, an African Femme Fatale (Emilia Burns), some other large dude, and another Spanish cat who says ‘ese’ a lot.  Let the games begin!

There’s mindless entertainment folks, and then there’s ‘The Condemned’ which may set a new standard on low level stupidity.  There are some similarities to the subversive Japanese classic ‘Battle Royale’, but only with the island location and the personal explosive devices.  If ‘The Condemned’ is ripping off anything, it’s ripping off the Swarzenegger classic ‘The Running Man’ with death row prisoners, a live television feed, a smarmy producer and even a professional wrestler trying to act.  Former wrestler, former Minnesota Governor Jessie ‘The Body’ Ventura was in ‘The Running Man’ by the way, chasing down former body building actor, present California Governor Arnold Swarzenegger. America, what hast thee become? 

I’ll only list a few of the long list of issues with this film.  The FBI is wants to track down Ian’s operation and stop his live Internet feed but they don’t know what island he is on.  Well, they could ask the reporter who just interviewed the dude, couldn’t you G-man?  I love a scene where the good guy tells the bad guy who is holding a gun on him that he’s gonna kill him.  Of course a bad guy with any sense would just empty the clip in that dome, but no, here the bad guy walks up to the angry good guy, talks plenty smack, gets the gun taken away and catches five in the left ventricle.  Idiot.  Then you have the members of the crew who are ‘appalled’ at the savagery of the event, even though the evil producer made it pretty damn clear what was going on.  ‘Well, I knew they’d be killing each other, I didn’t know they would kill each other like this.’  Give me a freaking break. 

Then came the preaching.  Mind you, this is arguably the most violent movie EVER! But director, writer Scott Wiper has characters jump on a soap box and starts preaching about violence, blood lust, the eroding of society, the horror of reality TV and how terribly sad we’ve become, and have this message sandwiched in a film with rape, torture, exploding bodies, slit throats and mass executions.  Just to name a few.  And these guys want to preach to me?

There are so many things wrong with this film, morally and intellectually, but… and I’m ashamed to say it, but I must tell the truth that as stupid and inane and as bloated as it may be, it does possess some entertainment value on a very debase, basic, guttural level.  There are explosions, fight scenes, gun play, hot chicks, and so forth.  It moves pretty fast and Stone Cold ain’t a bad action hero.  There’s now way in hell I’m recommending anyone see this movie, I’m just letting you know that if you do choose to see it, you probably won’t be bored watching it.  That's all I'm saying..