One afternoon I’m watching NFL films on the NFL network and they are doing this story on Gene Washington, former 49er wide receiver and current director of NFL Operations, speaking about this movie he made back during his playing days, ‘The Black Six’. True enough, Mr. Washington didn’t speak to fondly of this movie made by him and a few of his NFL mates, and from the clips they showed it did look and sound awful but I’m cursing the movie gods for hiding this movie from me for all these years. Then the movie gods slapped me and told me to look down and to the left. Apparently in my DVD collection I have a 4-DVD set labeled Urban Action Cinema which I got from the Big Lots or Wal-Mart bargain bin. Who knows where they came from. Regardless, ‘The Black Six’ was one of the whopping sixteen movies on those DVD’s. Sixteen full length movies on four DVD’s. Can you say quality? Of course you can. And ‘The Black Six’ is just about everything you could possibly want in an absolutely horrible movie.

Black Eddie (Robert Howard) is kicking field goals late one night with his girl White Jenny (Cindy Daly). To cut to the quick White Jenny’s brother Moose (John Isenbarger) doesn’t like Black people too much and he and his biker pals beat Eddie to death with some chains they had handy. Not that I’m questioning Eddie’s decision making, but if it’s Friday night and I have a hot girlfriend, her brother would have to pull me out the motel to beat me to death as opposed to the football field kicking field goals like an idiot.

Now we get to meet the Black Six, complete with the Black Six theme song. Get used to that ditty because they play it every time the Black Six rides, and they ride a lot. A lot. The Black Six consists of Bubba their de-facto leader (Washington), Hall of Famer Carl Eller as Junior, Hall of Famer and recovering drug addict Lem Barney as Frenchy, recovering drug addict Mercury Morris as Bookie, Hall of Famer Mean Joe Greene as Kevin and Hall of Famer Willie Lanier as Tommy. These six gentlemen don’t seem to have any tangible goals in life, just riding across country on their motorbikes, helping old ladies out of tight jams and putting whitey in his place. For instance, some whitey’s were rude to the Black Six after they stopped in to drink a brew and eat a ham sandwich, so what does the Black Six do? They demolish the joint. We’re talking complete demolition, while shouting Love and Peace, despite the fact it was completely unnecessary. Might be the first time I took the side of whitey in a Blaxploistation movie.

Eventually Bubba gets the letter from his mother that his brother Eddie has been murdered. Time to go home and put some more whitey’s in their place. And listen to a lot of speeches. Eddie’s sister Sissy (Lydia Dean) delivers an impassioned speech about her brother and his mates being the New Uncle Tom’s and how they can’t see the beauty… whatever that meant. Eddie’s ex-girlfriend Ceal (Rosalind Miles) who is currently turning tricks for her husband Copperhead gives a speech about being a lifeless hunk of flesh waking up with five dollars in her hand next to a drunken loser.  I gotta tell you, one look at Ceal, combined with five dollars… now that’s some hooker value right there. Eddie gives us speech about wanting to be left alone and seeking peace… this after he’s demolished a bar, beat up Copperhead, threatened the cops, and is on his way to kill more whiteys. Finally, Moose gives a speech to his rival biker gang about joining up so they can put the colored’s in their place.

Finally, everybody shuts the hell up and we get down the longest, most ridiculous, insane biker fight ever committed to grainy 16mm film.

You wanna watch a bad movie? We got a bad movie for you right here. You want bad acting? The stars are six NFL football players of whom none, with tiny possible exception of Mercury Morris, can act even a little bit, and that includes The Director of NFL Operations. You want horrible dialog? If you can make it through Sissy’s ‘New Uncle Tom’ speech without busting a gut, that means you actually understood what she was trying to say and that means you are on different ethereal plane than the rest of us. You want choppy editing? Oh, it’s here as ‘continuity’ was just a big word in the dictionary for director Matt Cimber. You want nudity? Actress Rosalind Miles shows us half of her titty in one scene. And she didn’t look happy about it.

But the final fight makes it all worthwhile. Six large black dudes versus two hundred angry bikers. The Bikers didn’t stand a chance, especially once they saw Bubba’s signature move… The Jump Bitch Slap. Bubba just kinds of leaps at you, armed cocked back, and bitch slaps you into unconsciousness, even though I think he missed his target every time. Awesome. You will witness wave after wave after wave of bikers riding down the hill, sometimes even resorting to throwing flares at the Black Six… because you know how dangerous a flare can be… but it was to no avail. At least I think it was to no avail because ‘The Black Six’ has an open ended conclusion so we don’t know if they live or die. We just get a closing placard saying something along the lines of … and this is them talking… ‘Honky… Look Out!!! Hassle a brother and the Black Six will return!’ Thank GOD Honkies stopped hassling brothers after this movie because the last thing we would want to see is ‘The Black Six: Part II’. Terrible on almost every level, and everything we hoped it would be.