Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Strangely enough, I've never seen a 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' movie.  I don't know why this is, I mean I've seen all the Jason's and Freddy's and Michael's but the time of Leather Face passed me by.  But I'm fixing all of that right now in the year of our Lord of 2013!  I'm paying good money to see 'Texas Chainsaw'… no 'Massacre' in 3D!  and… I'm an idiot.

To help out the uninformed, such as myself, 'Texas Chainsaw' begins where Tobe Hooper's 1974 epic left off with the final girl getting the hell out of that mess.  Now our movie begins, in the same time frame, with a standoff between the Sawyers and the good people of Hellhole Texas with the good citizens of Hellhole burning the place down, killing everybody.  Almost.  A baby girl survives, which a couple of redneckians snatch up and claim as their own, and obviously Leather Face survives because if he didn't there would be no movie.

Fast forward to what should be about forty years I imagine, if we are using the original's time line, where we meet crazy hot Piggly Wiggly butcher's assistant Heather Miller (Alexandra Daddairo), who we know is the stolen Sawyer girl, which makes Heather the world's tightest forty year old woman.  Halle Berry and Jennifer Anniston have to jump back and whisper 'damn' when they see Heather.  Heather just got a notice that her grandma Sawyer has just passed, and left Heather her big house in Hellhole.  After Heather gets over the shock that she has a granny and the relief that she has no genetic ties to those psychos posing as her parents, she rounds up her people for a trip to Texas.  Her people being her boyfriend Ryan (Trey Songz) who clearly digs older chicks, her massively slutty BFF Nikki
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(Tania Raymonde), and some guy Ryan hooked the slut with, Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sanchez).  Looking at Nikki one would think the woman wouldn't need a 'hook-up' considering she's almost too hot to touch and she's a slut, but I guess it's a tough market out there.  They also picked up a bonus guy to die along the way in Darryl the Hitchhiker (Shaun Sipos).

So our attractive young people get to Hellhole, Heather gets the keys from the lawyer who STRONGLY encourages her to read the letter granny gave her, and enter the house.  To the surprise of no one, Hitchhiker dude is up to no good, opens a locked vault while trying to steal stuff and sets Leather Face free.  No more Hitchhiker Dude.  Random hookup dude also finds the hidden room which looks plenty ominous to me, but he checks it out.   You know what happens next.  The slut and the boyfriend apparently used have a little something, and what better time to rekindle that something while his girlfriend and her best friend is upstairs not doing anything in particular and will no doubt, be looking for them.  Out of all the time these two have known each other and could've have sex anywhere, they choose this time.  Meanwhile, Leather Face has introduced himself to his long lost cousin, not aware she's blood, thus only desiring to chainsaw her to death. 

Some other stuff happens, but what Leather Face really wants is revenge against those who burnt up his kin so many years ago.  And eventually his cuz will want the same revenge.  And now, I guess, Leather Face is a hero of some kind?  I guess?  And now 'Texas Chainsaw' is officially retarded.

As a 'review' of 'Texas Chainsaw' goes, it's pretty standard as far as modern horror movies seem to be these days.  Zero fear, zero suspense, lots of action, lots of gore.  This is how they go.  Director John Lussenhop's 'Texas Chainsaw' deviates from this in no way, no shape, or no form.  It's competently shot, the 3D isn't horrible, and it's acted out by the cast about as well as it can be.  And like almost every other horror movie, past, present and future, the characters in it are stupid.  Even though I think the ones here might be a little dumber than most.  SPOILERS WILL FOLLOW.

Let us bypass all of the regular character stupidity such as young people whose legs stop working, or those who like to have sex at inopportune times, or a dude hitchhiking all the way to Texas so he can steal silverware, or a cop all by himself entering a known house of horrors confidant that his 'Desert Eagle' will handle everything.   Or when Heather asks the lawyer 'How did you find me?' and the lawyer saying 'you were never lost'.  That's fine right there, but personally I'd have some follow up questions to that, such as 'what the hell do you mean?' but not my girl Heather. 

Forget all that stuff and let's go straight to the end where Leather Face becomes some kind of folk hero with Heather and Leather Face uniting as one.  For starters, Leatherface already killed her man and her best friend.  Forget that they were bonking each other, Heather never knew this.  Thus I'm thinking Heather should still have some issue with this.  Then there's the town sheriff (Thom Barry).  Now admittedly the evil locals did do Leatherface wrong, but he did slaughter a bunch of people so he probably deserved some of this wrong doing.  So when Leatherface chainsaws the most evil local town dude, who also happens to be the Mayor, meaning he will be missed, whose son is a deputy, meaning he will be looking for him and knows full well who did this to his dad… but forgetting all of that, after Leatherface kills these people, the sheriff just… let him go.  I mean in this movie alone this dude has already murdered a half dozen people, not to mention the previous movie murders so… I don't know if that's really good and logical police procedure right there.  That's kind of dumb I think, but what the hell do I know.

Regardless, zero fear, zero suspense, completely pointless, slightly mindlessly entertaining.  This… is 'Texas Chainsaw'.
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