Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Ahem. What I’ve read about this movie ‘Teeth’ is that it is a ‘cautionary tale’. While this may be true, I’m not so sure about that personally. What I do know is that I’ve seen enough severed prosthetic penises to last a lifetime… and probably well into the next life as well.

Director Mitchell Litchtenstein’s film opens with a panning shot of smoke billowing out of a Nuclear Reactor. This cannot be a good thing unless of course Mr. Litchtenstein likes nuclear reactors and finds that their presence adds ambiance. We get a quick intro to a young Dawn and her future troublesome step brother Brad playing in one of those lame wading pools – man I hated those things – and Brad is doing something he shouldn’t be doing, and paying a price for this.

Fast forward some years where we meet Dawn (Jess Wexler) who is a grown up High School senior and leader of one of those Teens for Abstinence groups, despite being routinely verbally abused by her sexually obsessed classmates. Dawn is going through some trouble at home as her loving mom is deathly ill and her step brother Brad (John Hensley) has grown into one the most unpalatable people that the planet earth has to offer and is simply waiting for his time so he can do his step-sister. Regardless Dawn is doing really well with the whole waiting for marriage concept, that is until she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman), the one boy who just does it for her. Both of these kids are devout Christians and do what they can do avoid each other due their strong attraction, but teenage hormones are a son-of-a-bitch and eventually they find themselves in a compromising position.

Well someone should’ve informed Tobey that ‘no means no’, particularly when dealing with Dawn who has been born with, shall we say, an adaptive mutation. I’m thinking Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants could find some valuable usage

for this particular mutation. Tobey would be the first of quite a few severed body parts delivered by Dawn’s Deadly Poo, with Dawn being so upset with herself that she decides she must simply turn herself into the police. What Dawn didn’t know, that she will soon learn, is that vagina’s with lamprey teeth isn’t exactly something that we would call normal which only sends her deeper into despair searching for answers to her affliction. Poor Dawn will suffer numerous tragedies on her life path which will somewhat alter her outlook on things, but like any good mutant all she really needed to do was learn how to ‘control’ her mutation. And control it she does. The words ‘proceed with caution’ have never rung so true.

Even though ‘Teeth’ took its own sweet time in getting started I enjoyed this subversive ‘cautionary tale’ about a girl with shark’s teeth in her poo. ‘Teeth’ is funny, disturbingly sick and has a subject matter that will make cringe in abject terror, particularly if you’re a boy somewhat attached to your wee. It’s also surprisingly well acted by its young cast of twenty something high school portraying actors, particularly Ms. Wexler who does a very solid job moving from a pristine daughter of Christ to distraught freak of nature to a murdering dick removing minx. Kudos out to the male actors who convincingly portrayed the screaming horror of men who have just had their penises forcibly removed without the benefit of an anesthetic.

Now I’m not too sure about this whole ‘caution’ thing though. Surely if the message is ‘no means no’ or you shouldn’t try to screw your step-sister or if one is in a situation where a woman was kind enough to give up the poo, perhaps one shouldn’t take phone calls in the middle of the act to prove to one’s friends that you are in the process of servicing the poo… well, these things should generally be common knowledge one would think. And think of the dangers if such a mutation was actually a progressive evolutionary mutation. Sure the occasional rapist would get his, but I am one to believe that the abuses of such a ‘gift’ would reach a magnitude which few of us could ever imagine. Suppose your wife suspects you of cheating on her? Ooops, there goes your dick, innocent or not. Even if one is guilty of such an infraction, wrong though it may be, does one truly deserve castration for this indiscretion? There’s also the possibility that the relationship could’ve been salvaged before the dick got cut off. There are a litany of potential abuses to such a mutation which literally sends chills down my spine. The two-minute brother in particular would be in all kinds of trouble.

Despite my concerns with the public heath safety of such an event, because I’m always thinking about ‘the people’ and the greater good, ‘Teeth’ was a gem of a little movie which leaves you thinking after it’s over ‘Who in the hell thinks of this stuff?’

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